Chapter 10 - Check Ups and Talks
March 10, 2011
It was Cas thrashing that woke me up; since Michael's in-home attack his nightmares have come back. They were much worse, the first week being horrible. I moved behind him and pulled him in close.
"Cas, sweetheart, wake up."
It took a few tries before his eyes opened and he groaned. I pressed a soft kiss behind his ear.
"You're safe with me. They are behind bars. It's okay."
He turned in my arms and buried his head against my neck, deep inhales to calm himself and his omega down. I gently rubbed his back as he slowly drifted back off. It was still early so I dozed myself until the alarm went off.
He groaned as I moved and wrinkled his nose up when I pulled the covers off of him. He had an early appointment with Ellen for a complete exam. He'd put it off after the attack but it needed to be done. After that he had a therapy appointment as well.
"Come on grouchy, sooner we get to those appointments, sooner we can get back home and you can nap."
He mumbled something but eventually sat up. His dark hair sticking up everywhere, the little sleep creases from the sheets and the adorable pout.
I made sure he was standing before I went to the bathroom, a quick use and to wash my hands and then face off before I gave the bathroom over. He was going to shower before the appointment.
I fixed coffee and had my cup before he came out. He couldn't eat because of blood work, so we agreed to have lunch afterwards and before the therapy.
I got dressed after the coffee and had clean clothes laid out for him. When he came out of the bathroom he had just a towel wrapped around his waist and I couldn't help but stare.
He was filling out quite nicely. Having found some of my work out gear he was doing little things to help build strength back. Miles of golden tan skin was still damp from the shower and slightly pink.
"Hot shower again?"
"It helps with the icky feeling."
I got up and walked to him, laying my hands on his waist. "Just remember, he's never touching you again."
He laid his head onto my shoulder. "Do I have to go?"
"Yes, as much as I want to keep putting it off you do need this done. If you want, I can stay in the room the whole time. Ellen has told you it would be okay. You know she's not going to hurt you."
"It's just..." He trailed off and I felt his arms tightened around me. "It's been a while."
"She'll be gentle, Cas."
He nodded and looked at the bed. I'd laid out loose jeans and a soft Heather gray t-shirt with pink satin panties. He smiled at them and then got dressed.
I wasn't sure how my brain didn't short circuit everything I saw him in those satin panties. The way they hugged his ass just right and even more now, since not all those extra calories went toward muscle.
I tore my brain away from sexy ideas so we could leave. Getting to Ellen's, checking in and even the wait seemed to fly by. It was once the nurse called his name that he hesitated until I got up. Clearly, he didn't want to be alone.
The nurse greeted us and got his height, weight, and vitals. She then laid out a gown and sheet. "Go ahead and undress, Dr. Harvelle will be right in. You can sit up though."
I could scent the fear even if she couldn't. Once she was out of the room he hesitated for a short time before he undressed.
"Alpha, can you...I mean...will you come closer?"
"Sure." I got up and stood beside the bed, he leaned onto my shoulder. It was several more minutes before Ellen came in with an unfamiliar male nurse. I felt him tense up and the scent went sour.
"He's not needed," I said.
"He's only observing," she replied.
"He's not. Not for him, Ellen."
She paused and looked at us, realizing that Cas was pressed tightly to my side and the scent was starting to get worse.
"It's okay, ma'am. I'll step outside. It's clear his mate isn't comfortable with me being here."
She nodded and he left. "He's never seen a male omega exam. Perhaps later on. Let's start with the blood work so he can relax."
How blood work would help him relax was beyond me but he provided only one arm, the other one stayed behind me, gripping the shirt tightly. It wasn't until he was sure that no one else would be coming in that he relaxed a bit.
She went through the normal items first. Checking breathing, ears, eyes, asking if he'd had any pains or trouble going to the bathroom. Before she had him lie back.
I'd never seen this particular type of exam but the items she had laid out made me wonder if he really would make it through.
"We're doing an internal exam as well. It's pretty invasive and it may hurt a bit. Just relax for me, if it's too much then say something."
He nodded but got my hand and brought my wrist to his nose. Her initial starting point was external, making sure the cage had left no permanent scars.
"I think being around you helped him heal. I don't see any visible scars or marks left from the cage. Have you had any problems with pain in those areas, Castiel?"
"No, ma'am."
"Okay. I'm going to move internally now."
I think he pressed my wrist as close as he could. I felt the moment something breached him because his nails turned inward and his eyes closed tightly.
"Ease up, Ellen."
"Applying some numbing cream, not a lot but a little. Hoping it helps."
"Breath sweetheart, in... out... that's it."
I heard when she picked up or put down something but his eyes remained glued to me and his nails only dug in one more time before she said she was done.
"I'm going to step out and let him redress and wipe off."
"Okay."
I helped him sit up before she left the room and he looked far too pale for my own comfort.
"Cas? You okay?"
"I want to get dressed."
I didn't let him get up just yet, instead I brought the clothes for him and helped. Only letting him up to wipe off the lube and then get the pants and underwear up.
"I feel weird, Alpha."
I sat down in the chair and pulled him into my lap. He still looked pale and his scent was off. I could smell the normal jasmine and vanilla but also a sharper more citrus scent, which made my nose itch.
He laid his head down on my shoulder and I leaned into it as well. "It's okay, you and me. No bad people."
Ellen was gone a long time before she peaked in and then came in with his chart. "Feeling better?"
He shook his head slightly. I wondered if the attack was worse on him than I thought, maybe this should have been postponed again.
"The good news is I didn't see any tears, rips or scar tissue. Slick glands worked like they were supposed to and I sent a sample off to be tested. I also sent the pap swab to be tested. Castiel, have you had any symptoms of a heat?"
He shook his head, but I nodded. Ellen looked confused. "He says no, you say yes, explain."
"It was a week ago. It wasn't a normal heat though. He wanted to be right near me, super close. I couldn't get out of his line of vision without whimpers. He didn't seem to respond to me as he normally would."
"Anything else?"
"No. I wondered if it was the start of a heat, but nothing else occurred."
"Sounds like a demi heat. Those can cluster so be warned and aside from general clinging to their mate there can also be fevers, cramping, and pain. Demi heats usually don't have the drive for sex or mating though."
"Yeah, he didn't seem interested in that."
"It is something you should discuss though."
"Sex?" I asked. My turn to be confused.
"Sex, yes. Specifically during a heat. Have you not discussed what would happen or wouldn't during a heat?"
"We did in short terms, but nothing in depth. Mostly he wanted the sex, we use protection and no bites or marks."
She looked at Cas this time. "You're listening, I am sure. My recommendation is to talk about what you want and don't want during your heat. Because you may not be able to properly tell Dean during one. It's good that you've discussed the conscent and the protection and marks aspect, but the rest should be discussed as well."
He shrugged. "They've never been bad."
"Honey, you can't even remember the last time you had one. Going that long without one could mean you have a very bad one. Talk about this."
He tucked his head back in where it had been. And she looked at me with her pointed stare. I guess we'd be discussing this either way.
"Is there anything else?"
"No. The test results should be back in a day or two. I'll send a message to let you know."
"Thanks. I'm gonna get him some food, see if that helps."
"It should. I'll say unless the blood work has issues, he's good until next year."
She got up and headed out and I got him to sit up. "Are you ready to go?"
"Yes."
I made sure he was steady before we left the building. I sat in the parking lot though to see if his scent changed.
"Cas? You're alarming me, sweetheart."
"I'm sorry. I just...I've never had that type of exam. It's unpleasant but not painful, I'm not sure how I feel about it though."
"It's a normal part of Healthcare for omegas. Do you think it was the other guy that affected you more?"
"I think so, yes."
"Do you still want to dine in? I had the diner near the therapy place in mind. We don't have to go there though."
"I was looking forward to that milkshake, Alpha."
"Dine in then."
By the time we made it to the diner his scent had improved and his color looked a bit better. I made sure to order that milkshake first though. Lunch went well and his therapy appointment also went well. They were tapering him down to once a week now versus three days because he was stronger and showing improvements.
I was still trying to find a mental therapist though, the right person needed experience in dealing with cases like his. We had met one but Castiel didn't like him, neither had I. He had been very rude about me being present during the sessions despite my saying it was non-negotiable. When we left Cas had simply said no and I canceled the future appointment and kept looking.
After getting home he went to change and I flopped on the sofa. I knew we needed to have that talk but I wasn't sure when or how to bring it up. He'd been reluctant at her office.
He'd actually chosen black sweatpants and a gray t-shirt. I could barely see the purple cotton top of the underwear he'd worn this morning. Sometimes he really did drive me crazy.
"Alpha, I know we need to talk. Is it better to do it now?"
I blinked. "I was wondering when to bring it up. You seemed reluctant at the office."
"It was...uncomfortable to talk about those things with her. As much as I do like her, perhaps one of her other doctors would be better?"
"She wouldn't judge. But if that's a concern then yes, we can see if she can transfer your medical care to one of her fellow staff members. As for when, now is fine."
He came around the sofa and instead of the sofa he paused at my knees until I motioned him to sit down. He straddled my lap but kept some distance between us. I laid my hands on his lower thigh.
"This is mostly you. She does have a point, those little mild demi heats were easy. You wanted to cuddle and be close. But a true heat will be different. You've had a true one before and know that. Do you want to handle them alone or with me?"
"I've always been alone, Alpha. The previous guy was furious and locked me in a room away from everyone else. He mostly had alphas. Michael didn't provide anything but sometimes he watched."
"He could watch you without interrupting?"
"He was on the other side of a window."
"If you prefer to be alone, that can be arranged." I moved several strands of his hair. "I won't make you do anything you're uncomfortable with."
His head leaned into mine. "I don't know what to do, Alpha. Anytime the thought occurs there is just... a block. It's hard to describe."
"So, when those thoughts do occur. What does it feel like? Are there thoughts that intrude? A physical reaction?"
"Usually the first time comes to mind. How badly it hurt, how little he cared when I told him that. It seemed that sex was always that way."
"You never mentioned how many you've been with. Is that something you're ashamed to share?"
I wasn't sure I wanted an answer really, but in fairness he never shared and no one ever asked.
"No. Asmodeus was adamant that I remain a virgin. He said my value would be higher, despite his comments about what he wanted to do. Michael was my first, it was right after he bought me. He said he wanted me to imprint on his cock. But he later allowed an omega of his, someone who wanted to experience the top."
"Was it always painful with him?"
"Yes."
"And with Wainwright?"
"There were three betas, repeated several times. Alphas would come in, take a whiff and leave. They also hated the need for artificial slick."
I had honestly expected a much higher number, but even with a lower one his sexual experiences had all been negative. Except my one hand job.
"That one time with me, last year. Was there any pain?"
"No. None. But it was... here." He tapped at his temple as he said it.
"So physically you're afraid of the pain because they've never taken the time to ensure it didn't hurt. Mentally, what happens?"
"That one time was shame and embarrassment because you didn't come at all and wouldn't let me do anything. With the others I always felt used, like I wasn't really there. Along with shame if they couldn't come, which always was followed by pain. I feared I would fail and I know you've said you never would, but I fear another cage."
That was a lot to unpack. So I considered what he said. "I can guarantee I will never put you in another cage. I hate them myself, I wouldn't subject anyone else to them."
I squeezed his thighs gently. "As for shame because I didn't come that one time... Sweetheart, I was very pleased and if I recall I came in my own pants, without either of us needing to do anything. Hearing your sounds, seeing you squirming in my lap, and the blissful look was all I needed."
"That's possible?"
"Yes. To come untouched, you can even do that."
His hands were still fiddling with the shirt, but he wasn't looking up at me. I gently lifted his head up to look at me. "Your feelings are very valid. I've seen it in many others who we have rescued. You aren't alone. I can't really help wash those away but what I can do, what I want to do, is show you that not all Alphas or people in general are like them."
"It's hard. Because I know that I'll want you there, I'll want to feel close and smell you. But, I also know omegas in heat can drive an alpha crazy."
"Oh honey, that's true. Omega's heat scent is the best thing in the world. It's like a drug. But, good alphas also pay attention to their omegas needs. Your scent would drive me wild, but I still wouldn't do anything you don't feel comfortable doing. If I ever reach a point where it seems I can't keep my alpha under control, I will call someone to come be with you."
His eyes lingered on mine for a few minutes before wandering around the room. I didn't honestly know how to really express what I needed too, without sounding like I just wanna get laid. I'd recommend he try it, see what it's like beforehand. But that sounded like my alpha wanting a piece over sound advice.
I put my arms around him and drew him closer, he didn't hesitate at all.
"Alpha, what would you do?"
"It's hard for me to answer that one. I don't have the same experience. I can tell you what I would do if you were to consent."
"So, say I do. What would happen?"
"I'd start slow. Kiss these soft lips until they were swollen and red in a good way. I'd take my time removing clothes, being sure to pay attention to every inch of skin that was exposed. Either by touching..." I ran my hands up his thighs gently. "Or kissing."
He swallowed hard but his scent remained neutral.
"I would then aim for nipples, see if you react to that type of play. Some like it, some don't. I think you would like it. I'd wait until you're pushing me lower, wanting more. I'd then finally get to have my lips around your cock, see what you taste like. See how hard I can get you. How wet you can be before I even attempt to go lower."
I moved my hands behind him, but kept them sort of high on his hips. I didn't want them on his ass at all.
"When you are ready, I will trail my tongue to your hole. Lapping at the slick and getting to see what you taste like. For sure, I would make you come with just my tongue alone."
His breathing was getting shallow, his pupils were dilating more as well and the normal scent was taking on a hint of honey to it.
"I'd move my fingers into you then, slowly opening you up, stretching you to prepare for my knot. I wouldn't dare try that until I was sure you were ready, then and only then would I use my cock. I'd want at least one more orgasm out of you, maybe two before I lock us together."
I knew he could feel me and I could definitely feel him. But I kept myself in check, he needed to know he could trust me. Despite the fact I fully believe he would strip down now if he didn't have those negative thoughts lingering in his head.
It was a long time before the cool down occurred enough for him to actually look at me. "I know I would want you there and for us to do what would occur normally. Do you think it would be possible to maybe try beforehand?"
"Yes. I considered suggesting that but I didn't want to come off as just wanting to get laid."
"I wouldn't have seen it that way, Alpha."
"I wasn't sure. But yes, if you feel that would help we can. Anytime you want." I leaned in and kissed him. "But, I want you to know that sex is sometimes one sided. For example, last year. My goal was to show you pleasure and show you it can be good. I had no expectations of you returning that. Sometimes, it happens. It doesn't mean you failed, it doesn't mean you should be ashamed because of it."
"That's possible?"
"Yes. An example is my ex Lisa. She didn't want sex during her monthly cycle, nor did she really want to be touched in a sexual manner. However, she wouldn't deny me relief if I asked. Likewise, if I didn't feel like sex but she did, I helped her. Oral sex can be good for those times. She didn't like sex during that time. You may find before or after a heat you don't either, or maybe it's just been a bad day. Know that I do not expect you to always present or be willing, I'll respect no."
"But isn't that my duty or something?"
"In the old days, yes. Not now. I respect no. I know how to handle my knot myself."
He cracked a small smile and I took that as a chance to get more happy sounds, turns out he was pretty helpless with the tickle monster attacked. It was nice to hear his laugh and see him smile.