Chapter 20: Drained

POV: Zac

June 4, 2008

She and I had spent days talking about everything. Things that I really hadn’t known such as how Jacob told her no one would love her ever, how Simon just integrated that into her head as well. She still hadn’t mentioned the miscarriage and she didn’t mention what else occurred at Tera’s either. But she had a doctor’s appointment this morning so we were both up and at the doctor’s office early. They were very happy with the healing and I was glad that despite two surgeries in the same spot there was barely any scar left.

We were heading to the studio because I had an older laptop there with a floppy drive. She’d ran across the disk in the drawer and said we should probably see what was on it before turning it over to the police. She was more concerned that she had it and they hadn’t bothered to come back. We parked and went inside, I went straight to the office, hearing the door close behind me. Yet, I didn’t think anything about that door.

“I know it’s here, shouldn’t take but a few minutes.”

“That’s fine.”

I was looking on the shelf where I know it was before, trying to find it.

“Taylor and Isaac aren’t coming in today are they?”

“No. Isaac and Nicole went to Oklahoma City, her parents anniversary is tonight and there doing this family dinner type deal. Taylor said he was going to hang out with Stella all day, so I didn’t even tell them I was coming by.”

I moved fifteen little boxes before I saw the cord and then the laptop itself. I pulled it out and turned around and then just paused and blinked. Gabriella was sitting on my desk with her feet on the arms of my chair, wouldn’t be that bad but all she had on was the black thongs and the matching lace bra. The rest of her clothes were laying in a pile on the floor. She was leaned back on her hands and fuck I needed a camera, wait why was I here again?

“Pretty sure you haven’t brought anyone here.”

I swear I could feel the blood rush down, leaving me unable to think. “Nn...no...”

“Then why are you standing there?”

I sat the laptop down on Taylor’s desk, who cares that it knocked over a set of papers and shit. I certainly didn’t. She moved her foot to allow me access and I felt a little faint, month and a half since we’d been together and that was a bathroom in Indiana. I leaned in and kissed her.

“You know we have a bedroom, living room, kitchen, and even a patio.”

“I know we have your desk, your chair, or your drums.”

I leaned in just nudged her on back, pretty sure her head was laying a bunch of important paper but fuck it, I went after her lips, gently biting the lower one before moving to her neck. I could feel her legs wrap around me and tighten behind me, one of her hands was on my side the other one was tangling my hair around her fingers. I moved down some, used my teeth to slide the fabric down before trailing kisses up the bottom side to the nipple. She sighed loudly when I ran my tongue around the whole areola before sliding it slowly over the hardening bud. Both hands were tangling in my hair now, always a plus. I moved to the other side when I was content with how that nipple was and the moans coming from her lips. It didn’t take much time before I could feel the erection straining in the pants but I was content for the moment.

I rose up and she came with me, going for my neck and taking the shirt off. Her bite was a bit harder than it normally was, but that just helped. I unhooked the bra and dropped it with her clothes. I leaned her back again, going for her neck and feeling those nails sliding across my back. When I leaned back up I stopped her, let my hands just slide down her abdomen, light little scratch marks until I reached the waistband, where I slid them off dropping them wherever, I let my hands trail down the outside to her knees then inside, slightly spreading her legs as I went. Those brown pools were clouded with lust and this deep seated need. I sat down in my chair, which was fucking perfect.

She smelled and taste the same to me, as I let my tongue slide up and swirl around the clit the moan was loud, but I could do much better. She gasped when I pulled her closer to the edge of the desk and I heard stuff fall off but nothing broke. That gave me better angle to dip my tongue into her, I wrapped my arms around and let the left thumb gentle swirl around the clit, no direct pressure.

“Fuck...”

After several minutes I moved a hand under and slide two fingers into her while I moved back up, moving a little fast and until she was clutching my hair and arm, those nails hurt! I moved up to three and didn’t stop until she was screaming my name, which sounded so much louder in this confined space. I then moved up, kissing as I went.

“Do you like this? Is this what you wanted?”

I stumbled just a bit when her legs pulled me closer. “Not even close.”

She rose up with me, I really didn’t think she wanted to go beyond that but I was clearly wrong as she undid my pants and pushed them down to the floor, where I kicked them and the shoes off. She gently nudged me into the chair before she was kneeling in front of me. Okay, I could handle this. The feeling of her wet mouth around me was nearly too much for me though, I hadn’t really been able to do anything myself either so this was feeling very good. The way her hands massaged the balls, the way her hands moved in perfect sync with her mouth.

“I missed this so much. Son of a bitch.”

I expected to be finished but she didn’t, I’d had my head back and eyes closed but when I looked to see why she’d stopped I found her on the edge of the desk and I took that queue well, she was pulling me to her much too fast to consider anything else, it wasn’t long before her warmth was wrapped around me and that felt great. Hearing her moan and yell and I was determined she was screaming again. Which occurred, who knew sex at the studio could feel so much better, I leaned down and kissed her.

“You just didn’t want me to ever sit here and not remember this huh?”

Her hands went around my neck. “Pretty sure my ass is imprinted on your desk.”

I pulled back and then raised her up. “Pretty sure whatever was under your head needs to be reprinted.”

It felt weird standing in a shared office naked with my wife, as she held me pretty tightly. It took me a few moments to find something suitable to clean us both up a bit with before getting dressed and it was my luck that as soon as we were dressed and I was trying to tidy my desk a bit that Taylor would bust in.

“Oh…I didn’t think anyone was here.”

“I came to get that older laptop of mine, I found a random floppy disk at home in a box. No idea what’s on it. So, I came by.”

He glanced at the desk and then me and then her, but she still wasn’t keen on them still. Her trust in basically everyone’s words was shot to hell.

“How are you feeling Gabriella?”

“Better, clean bill from the doctor. Pretty sure I want to avoid hospitals for a long fucking time.”

“I can’t say that I’d blame you. Stella said she called you yesterday.”

“She did, we talked a bit.”

“That’s good. You look better too.”

She smiled some and I looked at Taylor. He shuffled to the desk, picked up something and hesitated.

“Gabriella I know that I haven’t been the best brother in law but I don’t hate you and I don’t think the marriage was a bad thing. I can’t say that I love you as much as Zac, but I do love you as my sister. You’re the only one I have at the moment. We all should have done more concerning our fans.”

“It’s really not anything you did or didn’t do, it’s just me Tay.”

“Still, we should have done more and paid more attention to what and how they acted. I expected some negative stuff because they did Stella and Nicole that way, but they were never that bad toward them. Some of the messages are just…I really don’t even want them as a fan. The ones that cornered you I wish I’d known because I wouldn’t have done anything for them.”

“But they are your fans and they keep you guys going.”

“Yeah. But, I am sure we can make more fans, I’m not sure he can find anyone like you ever again. I’m headed home to work on some lyrics. Stella’s coming over for dinner. I’m going to ignore the flushed faces and the way your desk looks. I won’t say anything to Isaac but for the sake of all our lives, keep it on your desk.”

“Oh, it’s the only one I’d want to be on.” She said.

Pretty sure my cheeks turned even redder because Taylor’s flushed bright red and then he ran out of the room.

“So bad…”

I got the laptop and we locked up, grabbed lunch and ran a few errands before we headed home. She was talkative to Abigail and Stella, texting but she wouldn’t respond to anyone else. She put up the few items we had gotten and I settled on the sofa, I was rather surprised when she sat down in my lap again, was going for my neck and I stopped her.

“We need to talk Gabriella.”

“What is there to talk about? I thought we covered everything the last four days.”

I laid my hands on her upper thighs, I’d considered a dozen ways to bring it up but there wasn’t one that would guarantee me she wouldn’t get upset with me or with anything else.

“We’ve talked about everything but Sierra and the miscarriage, you don’t mention either of those. You won’t even say the word miscarriage, not even when you were so upset when we got home. You got right there and stopped.”

“Nothing to talk about there.”

“Sierra has texted me three times wanting to know why you aren’t replying to her, wondering if you’re okay. There is something there if you aren’t replying. I thought you two got along at least.”

She shrugged. “Not much to tell.”

“Gabriella. Come on, there is more. Abigail thinks you loved her, did you?”

“Does it matter now?”

“Yes. Because you need to work through it.”

She sighed, clearly not wanting to talk but knowing she needed too. I didn’t know much about her and Sierra beyond they’d had sex and that Abigail felt she loved her.

“Newton had been sleeping with Mary for a few weeks before I caught them, I suspected it but had no proof until then. Yes, I ran partially because of that. He knew about Sierra and I, hated that we were close and I think Mary was retaliation for us. She told me she loved me and I freaked out. Called Abby not sure what to even do at that point.”

“But you didn’t totally leave because of Newton and Mary?”

“No. Sierra must have picked up on it. She thought I left because she told me she loved me, that wasn’t why. She didn’t think I even believed you. She thought I lived in some fantasy world. She kept pushing and I told her that I left because I loved her and I didn’t want to wake up one day and her be gone like Shawn and Max. I left because it was better to be the one leaving than the one being left.”

“It’s understandable considering how and what Jacob told you.”

“She wasn’t happy with that, said I didn’t give her a chance but really, I couldn’t handle her walking away from me. She jumped on the marriage is bad bandwagon and I didn’t have anything to fight with on that. She asked if I was using you and she just didn’t believe anything I said. I was already upset and irritated and I just couldn’t deal with another person telling me how wrong the decision was, how stupid it was.”

I wiped the tears from her eyes and waited.

“She kept telling me I lived in a fantasy world, that I don’t live in reality. She said Tera called her the moment I arrived and told her, so I guess Sierra thinks I left and went to Tera, but I just had nowhere else to go. I didn’t even intend to jump Tera but after hitch hiking for weeks I was just glad to have someone there. Sierra ended the conversation said she’d pretend nothing was between us because it’s how I coped, just pretending that it didn’t exist. It was later that night that I realized my reality was so different. Like I couldn’t do anything right to anyone. You really did seem to be the only person not telling me everything was stupid, bad, or wrong.”

“You didn’t believe her?”

“Why should I? I left seven years ago and she never bothered to find me. Yet, she apparently knows half my exes? She knows James and he was one of the last guys I was with before Simon. She knew Daniel and Tera told her where I was. If she really loved me, she would have come to find me. Instead she went to California. I vanished on you too and you spent over a week driving roads, she never even did that.”

“Maybe she didn’t understand why you left then.”

“It doesn’t matter Zac, Sierra and I can’t be together and there is just too much water under the bridge now.”

“It doesn’t mean she can’t be a friend Gabby, she did find you and she did come to the hospital. It’s obvious that she cares about you somehow. She’s asking if you’re okay. You scared her.”

“Not if she’s like Max and thinks we shouldn’t be together. She kept pushing me to attack fans Zac, she wanted the person that hit that girl, she claimed she wanted me to just stand up but that’s not what she wanted. She knows if they don’t stand down that I’ll just keep on.”

“What happen with that girl?”

“She was a fan of Newton’s, didn’t like that I was his friend at all let alone girlfriend. She just kept name calling, bout the same ones your fans used. Only she didn’t mind saying it to my face, she preferred it. She kept pushing and eventually I pushed back and when she didn’t back down I let my temper win. That’s who she wants. The 17 year old child that didn’t know better. I can’t be her anymore. I’m not a child.”

“No, do that now and it’s more than an assault charge and probation. Although, I would imagine fans would back way off.”

She shrugged and I knew she was pretty much done. It really was an ending that I didn’t like because it was clear she and Sierra had problems and needed to talk, but she wouldn’t. Not that I could totally blame her. The next topic however I was certain she didn’t want to talk about, I could read that in every inch of her face. Yet, I was blind once and ignored it, I couldn’t do it twice. She didn’t want too, but she needed to talk about losing the baby. It was clear it was a problem.

“Abigail told me you never wanted children, but we never talked about that.”

“Our conversation started and ended with after a year.”

“There is no guarantee that it won’t happen unless we really do use protection every time. There is always a possibility. I don’t understand though, if you were that set for so long that you didn’t want children, why did losing this one affect you so badly?”

She didn’t immediately answer, instead she just sat in my lap for a long time. I wanted to push her to answer me, but I also knew that could have the reverse effect of what I wanted. I was beginning to wonder if she wasn’t going to answer at all. But then she took a deep breath.

“The initial shock wasn’t that bad, I didn’t expect it. But, unlike your parents we weren’t even trying, it was just all around shock. I think it didn’t really even come to me until you left the next day, I wondered around and ended up staring at the nursery window. There were people gushing over them and talking about things.”

“But you drew the baby, remarkable drawing and then you were somewhat okay being there, until she handed you Ella. You just shut down, I could see it on your face.”

“I’ve never held a baby, not even in the group homes. I basically wrote off the idea of ever having children because I can’t make decisions about my own life, let alone someone else. I didn’t understand how I could never want kids and then be hurt and continue hurting because I was told that. You deserve someone that can have that. I failed before I even knew, I just never thought it could happen and then it does and the chance was gone.”

She paused only because she needed to calm herself down some so she could continue, I waited patiently, just letting my hand rub her thighs.

“I didn’t know that I even know I wanted a child until you told me we lost ours. Your words just echoed in my mind. I never drew children and I couldn’t understand why I would start now. Add in Sierra and her comments about reality just sitting in the back that night it just hit me. I probably would have stayed but the comments the girls made about the girl in New York being…and then I see that picture and it was just too much. I couldn’t stay.”

“You never had scares before?”

“No and I wasn’t careful like you. I never cared about safety and I never thought it would happen.”

“Why can’t you say the words Gabby? You won’t say them.”

“Saying them makes them real.”

“But they are real words. It’s okay, you miscarried and that’s fine. It doesn’t mean there is something wrong, it doesn’t mean you did anything wrong.”

“How can you tell me that? You can’t tell me that finding out didn’t hurt you too.”

“It hurt a lot. I haven’t been around a lot of little kids either but I knew one day I wanted them. I didn’t understand the reason anymore than you do. I went through the blame game too, I blamed myself for not noticing something was different. I wondered if I made you go to a hospital sooner about the pain if that would have made a difference. I wish I had known that while you kept saying you were okay that you weren’t. But Gabriella it is a natural occurrence and these things can happen for any number of reasons. You could have been in a bubble and it still happen.”

“It had to be something I did Zac.”

“No, it doesn’t. My mom has three of us and she lost Elizabeth in the 6 th month, she did everything right Gabriella and it still happened. She had miscarriages that had nothing to do with anything. I looked it up and it’s not just you and her, a lot of women have them and a lot of the time it’s unexplained. The doctor said you could very well have a successful pregnancy he never said you couldn’t. It’s only a major concern if it keeps happening.”

“I don’t want it to keep happening.”

“I know you don’t, I don’t either. But, you can’t assume that this one occurrence means you can’t ever have that. There was so much going on that there could be a billion reason why it happened.”

“I never thought about it. I didn’t notice anything different at all, nothing.”

“Maybe that is a sign that it wasn’t meant to be. I know it hurts and if you really want to talk to someone that completely understands I am okay telling my mother. She’ll understand Gabriella and while I saw her going through it I wasn’t always there.”

“I’ll be fine, just accepting that it’s not my fault is a lot harder than it sounds.”

“But it’s not, I can assure you of that.”

“I guess that’s a start.”

I put my arms around her and pulled her much closer to me, pulled her into a tight hug.

“Trying to hug me into acceptance here?”

“Maybe, is it working?”

She wiggled in my lap, which I knew was going to work very well and a thought came to me, she kind of squealed when I flipped her onto the couch, more from shock than anything.

“Not quite what I expected as a reply to the wiggling. Not sure I want to complain though.”

I pressed my lips to hers. “You won’t have a damn thing to complain about. Trust me.”

Sure, it hadn’t been that long really, but what I wanted was to make sure she felt loved. That she knew and understood how I felt about her. This wasn’t about sex, this was about making sure she felt wanted, accepted, and loved.

How did I accomplish that? Well every several kiss was followed by a compliment, something about her that I felt was unique. Made sure that I took every article of clothing off very slowly, appreciating every dip and curve of her body. Finding little ticklish spots as I went. Yet every time I looked up I could see her eyes glitter and by the time I got her undressed they were clouded with lust too.

Long and slow was the object and that’s exactly what I accomplished. By the time she was screaming my name, I was certain that somewhere in her heart and mind she understood that I wasn’t lying to her, that I wasn’t saying I love you to her for any false reason, it was because it was true.

She briefly napped stuck between me and the back of the sofa but not for long.

“I see you’re not complaining.” I said.

“Too drained to complain.”

I kissed her forehead. “So, now that we’ve talked, do you think we can try to make an effort to catch things like this before there out of hand and you’re running away?”

Her arm slid across my side and she leaned in and kissed me. “Yes.”

“Do you even want to move?”

Given she simply laid her head down I took that as a resonating no, so we simply laid here. It really was nice to simply lay here.

“Can we start with Twitter?”

“What do you mean?”

“I think I’d like to create new accounts and make them private. I can keep the old ones but I don’t need to see those types of messages daily.”

“You can pick whatever name you want.”

“Requires me to move and I don’t want too.”

“We do need to get up sometime for dinner and all.”

The little smile she gave me wasn’t very reassuring, but she climbed over me and got up and walked across the room.

“Did I mention how much I love the way you walk?”

“No…isn’t that a little weird of a thing to love?”

“Not with you, no. The slight sway and just the way you move.”

She picked up the laptop and came back, I sat up and she simply sat in my lap.

“You are aware you aren’t wearing anything right?”

“Yes. Neither are you.”

“Okay, so you just need to pick something and sign up.”

I watched her put in her name and then put in 15 different possible handles, some were taken and some she just didn’t like.

“You’re original account was just your name, why not do that again?”

“Gabriella Hanson? Like they won’t know.”

“It’s private buttercup, no one can message you or tweet you. Only ones that will see yours will be the ones you approve.”

She put in her name with a underscore between the first and last and it went through fine. We then set it up as private and she went through the phone to find like Abby’s, bands she wanted, ours, Stella and Nicole.

“Are you going to keep the other one for real?”

“Yeah. I’ll know which ones not to add.”

“What photo are you using?”

Again, she gave me that little mischievous smile and I groaned. The picture she chose was the one from New Years, only the kissing one.

“You know everyone is going to send you a request when they see that.”

“Let them. They can even call me a bitch when I refuse them.”

She created a new Instagram as well and then deleted the old one completely. That account was also private and she only added a few to the account as well. When she went to the Hanson.net I was confused but she signed in.

“You joined the website?”

“Yep, but I used a different name and state. So, no one really knows but what you need to see is here.”

She went to the forums and low and behold there were threads here with the same content. I just smiled.

“Do you think it’s the same people?”

She nodded. “Pretty sure a few are, the same username is used.”

I had her sign out and I signed in with my passwords and stuff, which she pretty much knew already.

“Do you always have 3,000 new messages?”

“More a less, yeah.”

I went to the threads myself, the first thing I did was screen shot the names of those in the post and then I deleted the thread. Because the discussion of our family and private lives was prohibited and the use of such language was too, I then sent an e-mail to the moderators because they should have never left that thread up for months.

“I can’t really stop them. I mean if I have their membership revoked then I’d have to do that to everyone that ever said anything negative.”

“I don’t want that anyway, just now I won’t get constant messages from everywhere so, maybe that will help.”

I closed the account and asked to see the pictures Simon sent again. I’d seen them before but I hadn’t really viewed them closely. Seeing her at 18 and 20 was so different, the clothing choices and good lord I would not have stood a chance in hell then. I thought the shorts she currently owned was bad. We giggled over the photos a while.

When it came time to fix dinner she asked for burgers again, so I slipped my boxers and a shirt on and she simply put a shirt on, but she wouldn’t be near the stove. As I prepared the meat and started them she quietly watched, as I was cooking she cut up the tomatoes, onions, and pulled some lettuce.

“Who did you have to tell about the…” There was a pause and I started to turn around, knowing what the rest of the sentence was but then she spoke again. “About the miscarriage?”

Sure it was strained and I could tell saying the word had hurt and it was just accepting it. It was progress that she actually said the word.

“Isaac, Taylor, and Shawn all know. I slipped with my brothers and mentioned it when they irritated me and the doctor asked why you’d need to save your baby, I told him and Shawn was there.”

“I said that?”

“Yeah, you kept telling him actually and Sierra said when she found you that you were crying because the baby doll you were holding wouldn’t cry.”

“But she doesn’t know why?”

“No. She wasn’t there when the doctor came out and I haven’t mentioned it. Likewise, I asked the three that do know not to say anything.”

She grew quiet, pulling the leaves off and laying out just enough for the burgers, then she put everything up and cleaned the cutting board and knife.

“You keep asking me how I feel, but how do you feel about this? I know you cried with me at the hospital, but you haven’t said anything since then, just that you felt guilty.”

I paused because that was not a question I anticipated her asking, least not right now. I wasn’t entirely sure how to answer her either.

“I watched my dad fall apart more than once after they found out, didn’t quite understand the full impact on why until the doctor told me. I didn’t understand how much it could hurt to not only know but to have no answer for why. I blamed myself for not making you go sooner, thinking that if you had maybe we would have known sooner but realistically it still could have happened. I felt helpless because there wasn’t anything I could do at that point but tell you and I was terrified because I had no idea how you’d handle it.”

I was pretty sure her silence was just a way to let me think, which was needed at the moment because I’d really spent the last several weeks not focusing on that.

“It hurt to know that at some point in the future we wouldn’t be parents, we wouldn’t need to move or find a bigger place, we wouldn’t be shopping. But I think after a few weeks it didn’t go away but the hurt eased because I realized we’re young and we have time to try for another baby in the future. It still hurts to know that there wasn’t anything I could do or that there was no reason.”

“You seemed shell-shocked when we saw Bailey and Ella. Did you even want kids? We basically didn’t discuss that, just ended it with after a year.”

I flipped the burgers liking the color I achieved on that side, I pressed slightly but not much and then I turned to her.

“Honestly, I should have shot the idea down of going to her room. It wasn’t something either of us needed to do right then, not when the pain and hurt was so fresh and still raw. I could barely look at her and I just couldn’t bring myself to hold her. I know Bailey seemed disappointed but I just couldn’t. You appeared fine until she handed her to you and then you just shut down. It’s why I got us both out of there and I wish I’d done it sooner.”

“She needed to be taken the photo Zac.”

“Yes, but Ike and Tay could have. As for the other question. I do, but it doesn’t have to be anytime soon. When it does happen, it happens.”

“How many did you want?”

Again, not a question I expected! “I don’t know, never considered a number really.”

It grew quiet and I watched the burgers, turned the stove down a bit as they were almost done. I added the cheese to them too.

“New year’s.” She said.

“What about it?”

I turned to her and she was leaning against the counter. “Let’s do a wedding on New Years. Doesn’t need to be fucking huge, just family and close friends.”

“You mean this New Years? Why that day?”

“I do mean this New Years and that day because it’s the day we said we loved each other. Let’s face it, November is the actual date but until New Years we hadn’t said those words. It’s 7 months away and really, we don’t have a lot of people we both know. It can be low-key and simple.”

“Have you met my mother? Low key and simple are two things she doesn’t do well with.”

“Well, yes. But still. I think it’s the perfect time.”

“Who am I to argue? Although, I think we can wait to tell everyone for just a bit.”

“Of course, we need more plans before that.”

“We do.”

We finished fixing dinner then ate and then just curled up for a movie. I was glad that she had said the word miscarriage, it was a step toward accepting and eventually getting past the miscarriage. The fact she asked about kids was a good sign and the date setting was a good sign too that she wasn’t going to be running away anytime soon. It was a relief that neither time she complained about no condom, perhaps she was feeling better with the concept but perhaps we should be more careful. After the movie we headed to bed.