Chapter 19: I would have stopped you

POV: Zac

May 31, 2008

I woke up when the nurse came in about 6:30. I watched from the chair as the nurse went through the entire process of checking vitals, making sure she was responding right, she drew blood and then removed the IV from her arm. She even mentioned releasing her! There was no way she was well enough to go home, was she? In case, I sent Taylor a message to wait because the doctor would be in around eight and he’d tell her. I was shocked the doctor was on time but he came in smiling.

“Good morning Mrs. Hanson. How do you feel?”

“Sleepy and tired.”

“That is very much expected. The blood work is all within normal ranges and your heart rate and blood pressure has been stable now for some time. Do you feel anything different or feel anything that doesn’t seem normal?”

“No.”

“I checked your medical records and you don’t have a history for this type of thing and you don’t seem to be a risk to yourself or others. I am going to release you but you need someone who can stay with you for the next day or two. Will your husband be home?”

“I will be.” I said.

She seriously was about to argue with him but he pointed out that he couldn’t release her unless she was with someone. She did not seem happy with that but she agreed anyway. He went to get the papers for me to sign.

“Doesn’t mean anything Zac. Don’t think you’ve won anything.”

“I wouldn’t dare think I’d won against you.”

Okay, so I was doing a mental cartwheel as I signed the papers. When Shawn came down he handed her a set of his scrubs because they’d cut whatever she had on, she was not happy about that. The scrubs were entirely too big, but I kind of liked that look. He hung-out with us until they officially released her and then he drove us home. He didn’t stay long just made sure she was okay and then headed home himself so he could sleep for his next shift.

“Would you like breakfast? Pretty sure there is bacon and eggs and all the good stuff.”

“I couldn’t care a less about food Zachary.”

“You haven’t eaten since last night.”

“Well according to your whores missing one meal won’t kill me.”

“You can always lay down, sleep a while longer.”

“In the bed that you’ve probably brought some blonde bitch back to? I’ll pass.”

“You really want to do this right now?”

“Why not now? Come off the bullshit I care crap.”

“I do care Gabriella. I wouldn’t have come to the hospital if I didn’t. I wouldn’t have filed a missing person’s report if I didn’t. I wouldn’t have driven every fucking street in this town if I didn’t.”

“No, you just tell me how much you love me and while I’m stuck in a hospital you find some blonde cocksucking bitch to go have sex with. It wouldn’t surprise me if the same bitch is one of the dozen that kept telling me you were fucking them.”

“I wasn’t with anyone. You can ask Taylor and Isaac.”

“You mean the two that hate me? They’d gladly lie to me just to get me to leave them alone.”

“What the hell?”

I had no idea where any of this was coming from, I expected the pictures. I expected the fans, but that came from way out in left field. Where had she gotten that Taylor and Isaac hate her?!

“Great, everyone must think I really am stupid.”

She went to walk away and totally tripped over the pants and then they were being flung across the room, that really wasn’t helping me think straight either, because she didn’t have anything on under them. Nothing but a scrub top? Yet I heard her snort.

“That’s all I was to you, wish I’d seen that months ago.”

She then walked to the bedroom. That was not all she was to me! How could she possibly believe that? She came out ten minutes later in a pair of pants and a shirt. She looked tired and I know this was the wrong time to try to talk, she was just tired and that was going to make it worse.

“Will you hear me out at least?”

She paused halfway to the couch, fuck that was probably the wrong thing to say.

“Hear you out? What the fuck could you possible tell me to make this any better? That you weren’t getting your dick sucked outside the venue? That you weren’t fucking some blonde in a car while I was stuck in a hospital room? The whole fucking tour you were fucking around with other women. There is nothing you can tell me to make that go away.”

“I’m not denying them Gabriella, I’m not saying it’s not me.”

I saw the glimmer of the girl Sierra knew and wanted back, the one that really did have fire in her eyes. She was beyond pissed and I could see it in those pretty eyes. She grabbed a set of pictures off the table.

“So you’re now admitting it? So, you just felt sorry for me when they tried to kill me? You just went along with this marriage because you wanted a steady source of ass? Sorry I couldn’t do anything right for you. I’m sorry your parents were pissed off because they missed it, sorry I’m just the drunken bitch that tricked you into a marriage but god damn you could have just filed for a fucking divorce, you didn’t have to be a fucking whore to get rid of me.”

“Gabby that’s not what I meant! I’m not denying the pictures, they are me, but they were not taken this tour. The blonde girl in the car is Lita, she wasn’t even at the show this year. She fucking hates the band now.”

“I don’t want her fucking name!” She screamed.

“The picture was from three years ago. Lita hasn’t been to a show since. It was three years ago!”

I saw her nails dig into her palm, I hope the neighbors weren’t home incase this got loud! Her right hand was gripping the photos so tightly they were crumpling and I was wondering if maybe the doctor was wrong to release her, maybe the drugs weren’t quite out of her system.

“I don’t give a fuck what her name is. You were in the fucking car with this fucking bitch while I was stuck in a fucking hospital. While I was stuck wondering what the fuck I did, what the hell was going on and why I was such a horrible person that I…”

She paused as if she had no clue what to say and then continued on. “All you fucking cared about was going to this bitch and fucking her? All you fucking cared about was getting her…you should be with her! She’s far better than I ever will be. Jacob was right when he told me no one would ever love me, only fucking person to ever tell me the truth.”

I could very well fill in the blanks, she couldn’t say the words still. That she miscarriage and getting her pregnant, words she completely skipped over, words she couldn’t say last week to Abigail either.

“I love you.”

“NO you don’t! No one ever has. Why do you keep lying to me? They’re right here in the pictures, they’re all here. North Dakota, Indiana, New York, fuck even in town! They’re right…”

She must have finally realized the pictures in her hand weren’t the ones she’d gotten last week, the ones she’d picked up were the original ones I had found online. She looked at them stunned.

“What the fuck is this? What are you pulling here? Why would you do this?”

“I found the original pictures, the ones you got were edited or from years ago.”

“No! They were adamant every fucking one kept telling me…”

“I’m not everyone Gabriella. I love you and I’m sorry that I’m such a bad excuse for a husband, you deserve someone much better, but I can’t imagine life without you. I have no idea what to do here. I can’t force you to believe me, but I swear to god Gabriella those pictures are fake.”

She just looked so lost and confused that I really wasn’t sure what to do. I finally took a few tentative steps toward her but she backed away from me.

“Look at them Gabby. The ones you got are right there on the table.”

“They’re all pointless, no one wants us to make it. You aren’t a bad husband I’m just not good enough for you and I never will be. I can never be whatever the hell her name is, Jacob was right no one would ever love me and Simon was right too, I’m just here. I’m just…nothing.”

The pictures fell from her hand and scattered but she didn’t back away when I got closer, just stood there. I felt like my heart was literally breaking or being ripped out of my chest. She was far more than nothing and to think that I’d never seen this coming, never knew how she was feeling or handling things it just sucked. The thought that hit me, came like a punch to the gut.

“Did you know how much you were taking? Was that something you did on purpose?”

Her facial expression was unreadable to me, some weird mixture of confusion and sadness that just left me perplexed.

“I was waiting for someone to stop me, waiting for someone to care. I didn’t even realize until Sierra grabbed my arms that I’d taken so much. I know my limits and I just…I kept thinking someone would stop me.”

“I would have stopped you.”

“Why? What have I done to make you want to stop me? I can’t do anything right. I can’t pick a school, I can’t draw worth a shit, Sierra was right I live in some fantasy world where everything is perfect and it’s not. I’m not who you want, I can’t be. I can’t even give you what you want, I can’t…God I just…I can’t…”

I pulled her to me and put my arms around her tightly and apparently the cracks that were showing finally ruptured. I heard my phone going off but I didn’t care who it was or why they were calling, what I needed to do was be here for her right now. I held her and let her cry for a long time.

“Why don’t we lay down for a bit? I know you’re tired and I know you’re upset.”

“I’m not…”

I gently kissed her forehead. “You need to calm down and then we can talk. But, right now I think you should rest. Being tired isn’t going to help either of us communicate.”

She finally nodded and I lead her to the bedroom, she took the pants off before laying down and I tucked her in, but she wouldn’t let me leave, instead she scooted over onto my side and she didn’t have to say anything, I slipped my pants off and laid down as well. She curled up against me and despite not wanting to sleep, her eyes were closed and she was breathing evenly within minutes. I knew I wasn’t out of the woods, there was more to discuss but hopefully when she woke up she’d feel more like herself.

I was woken up by Taylor gently nudging me, wait, why was Taylor in my bedroom? Where had he come from?!

“What are you doing here?”

“I came to make sure you were okay, I’ve called like ten times and you never answered or replied.”

Gabriella was still curled up against me, but I couldn’t get up if I wanted too, she was holding onto my shirt. But she vaguely moved.

“I’m fine.”

“Is she okay?”

“I don’t really know but I don’t want to wake her up. I’ll call you later.”

“Okay.”

He stepped backward away from the bed before he turned and quietly left. I was now awake so I just laid here with her, glad she was safe. She evidently hadn’t slept well either but she did blink about two and she seemed momentarily confused before she remembered why she was here.

“You could have gotten up.”

“You didn’t let my shirt go until about ten minutes ago when you turned some. I didn’t want to wake you up.”

“Did I hear Taylor’s voice or was I hallucinating still?”

“He was here, he called and when I didn’t answer he came to make sure we were okay.”

“I thought I heard him.”

“Feel any better?”

“After a hot shower and food I probably will.”

“You handle the shower, I’ll handle the food.”

I let her get up first before I went to the front. I picked up the pictures and put them out of sight and then made lunch. She came out with wet hair and those damn Bambi pajamas on.

“I thought I hid those better…”

“I found them, I wanted something comfortable.”

“Can I safely assume that you don’t plan to leave?”

“Where would I go Zac?”

“Tera’s.”

“I recall police, pretty sure she’s not there now.”

I sat the plate in front of her with juice. “You made breakfast?”

“Yes.”

I sat down beside her and lunch was quiet as we ate. She actually ate everything on the plate, but she did seem rather down. Those damn pajamas though, I needed to hide them way better next time I wash them. When we were both finished I cleaned up and she went to the sofa but when I glanced in she was looking at the pictures. I started to say something but she wasn’t looking pissed or upset, so maybe she did just need to see them herself. I finished cleaning and then walked to the living room and sat down beside her.

“These are the ones I saw, they were slid under the door by someone, I guess when I put the towels in. But, these are the same ones just without locations. Where did they come from?”

“I saw them when I got home and I knew that they weren’t from this tour, least not all of them. These two here are from this year, but as you can see the original shows my hands on her back and not her butt. The other’s however were taken in 2005. I found them when I couldn’t sleep, scouring twitter and MySpace. When I did find them, I printed them out.”

“This one says New York.”

“Yes, it is from Patchogue, New York. November 2005. My hair is actually super short then too.”

She picked up the newer ones and compared, very clear the editing done to them.

“Can’t believe I didn’t notice that.”

“It happens.”

She picked up the New York one. “2005?”

“Yes. Her name was Lita, she hasn’t been to any other shows and someone told me after that she stopped being a fan afterwards and basically hates us. I guess I was a bit of asshole to her for that time. I still wasn’t completely okay with my own decisions.”

“The others? This looks just like that bitch but this original one here doesn’t.”

“I have no idea, my best guess is someone edited the image. But the original was 2005, only those two there are current pictures the rest were pulled from online posts from shows done in 2005.”

“I never really analyzed them I just saw them and left.”

“I figured, by the time I got home it was hours after you left and I had no idea where you went or who you would go too.”

“Tera wrote her address down on a napkin at the restaurant, I’d seen it when I put up the notepad earlier. I considered Max and Abby but I guess on some level I wasn’t ready to admit they were right. I didn’t really have anyone else I could go too and she was it.”

“You could have waited on me to get home, I could have explained when they were taken and where.”

“Not how I operate not when I’m upset. I just wanted to leave and just not deal with anything else anymore. I knew going to Abigail would require me to talk and shit and Max would…well, I knew what Max would do. He’d tell me how right he was and then he’d talk me into bed.”

“I don’t think you would have been that easy to talk into bed.”

She just looked at me and that look said I was wrong on that. “You would have?”

“I’ve never told him no Zac, no matter what or how I felt. The only reason I have the last two times was because I was believing you. When I left, I didn’t believe anything you’d said. I just wanted acceptance and to be cared about. Max isn’t stupid he would know exactly what to say.”

“But you told James no, twice.”

“Tera told James no for me, she didn’t leave that up to me.”

I couldn’t blame her there. “What happen while you were there?”

“Tera pulled a Simon without the abusive aspect. She let me in, let me cry or scream or whatever I needed to do. Daniel drew the lines of cocaine and I said no but I just remembered how it felt then, no pressure. Didn’t intend to keep on but I did. At some point I was just wanting someone to stop me, to care enough that they didn’t want me taking this substance. No one there stopped me, just kept setting me up. I’m not even sure when I stopped counting.”

“You could have called me, I would have come and stopped you.”

“I didn’t think you would.”

“You want to tell me what’s been going on? Abigail pointed out that I really wasn’t aware of your moods or thoughts. I thought I was being a good husband but reality was I wasn’t being a good one. I should have been paying more attention about how you felt concerning Simon, tweets, and the fans and I wasn’t. I should have known about his e-mails sooner. I should have asked how these things effected you sooner.”

I tilted her head to me. “I should have known that while you said you were fine, that the miscarriage was hurting you. I shouldn’t have assumed you were doing well and handling it. Clearly, you weren’t. I saw the drawings in your tablet and Abigail told me she knew.”

With her looking at me I could see the sadness and confusion in her dark eyes.

“There really isn’t much to tell.”

“Gabriella. Doesn’t have to be everything why not start with Simon. What was he sending you?”

She took a deep breath. “After the whole rape thing in January he got worse, he burned all the photos I had. Pictures of me with friends, even guy friends and even exes. He started e-mailing them to me, one at a time. The e-mails sometimes contained insults like whore or slut, if it was a guy. The ones with girls usually didn’t include anything.”

“Were those the only insults?”

“Whore, slut, I was stupid, my decisions were shitty, I was better off with him which I didn’t believe. Kept telling me I was nothing to no one, not the people in the pictures, not to anyone around me.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“There pictures and I just figured why bother? When he ran out of pictures to send they just became put downs. I tried a new account but that didn’t work, I tried blocking him and he just created a new one.”

“Anything else he told you?

“How worthless I was to everyone, how I was your trophy wife. I can’t make decisions, same things Max said actually. I guess he assumed you had access to the phone, but not the e-mails. I got to where unless they had an attachment I would just delete them.”

“Do you believe anything he said?”

“I know I’m not better off with him. I can’t make decisions, I’m worthless to everyone because I can’t do anything but cause problems.”

“That’s not true. You made decisions the last six months just fine, you aren’t worthless. You do not always cause problems either.”

“I can’t do anything right Zachary.”

“You’ve done a lot of things right. You left Simon and you stayed away despite his begging and pleading. Let’s face it, you did the right thing by teasing me for months before saying yes, you did the right thing by making the suggestion to go to that chapel.”

“How was that remotely right? Your parents are disappointed, upset and pissed that you got married without them. Your brothers see me as the drunken whore who you got you drunk and married you for the money. Your fans believe I’m just here as a image booster because of your previous escapades. Max hates me because I’m here and refuses to believe anything he says, even if it sounds stupid. Abigail is I don’t know anymore, one minute she hates this and the next she’s fine. You give me one person who thinks and believes this was a good idea, just one.”

“I believe it was a good idea, is that not enough for you? Yes, my parents were upset, but they got over it and we did talk in Montana about maybe doing something soon. My brothers do not see you as a drunken whore out to get money, they didn’t agree with the marriage because of the lack of time together but they also didn’t agree with me sleeping around. Where did you get that Taylor or Isaac hated you?”

“They always take the fans side and they seem to simply tolerate me being there for a long time, like once I stopped bothering to speak to them or make any effort to communicate they seemed happier. Simon sometimes said they hated me, but I wasn’t sure. I guess after the argument and all I just assumed they did.”

“They don’t hate you, I can assure you of that. They are learning about you, just like you are them. They didn’t like that you were quiet it’s just they didn’t know how you felt and none of us knew the extent of the tweets. They’re not mad at you, they’re not upset, and they don’t hate you. Concerning fans, they don’t run our lives. Tell me about them.”

“The fans?” she asked.

“Yes. What did they do? How does it make you feel?”

“They hate me and if the ones that don’t comment on anything, they are attacked as well.”

“More specific please.”

She sighed. “I’m a whore, a fat cow or whale, depends on how original they wanted to be. Oh, I constantly ate because I knew you were having sex with everyone around me, I’m not good enough for you and they have like a billion reasons. One person said my ass was too big for you, boobs were too small, I didn’t dress right, I only married you for the money, I’m a gold digging whore who needs to divorce you and move on. Oh my favorite came when they found the picture of Sierra and I. She and I were fucking and you were just a cover to hide us, because there was no way you could be with us both.”

“How did that make you feel?”

“How do you think? Combine that shit with Simon and by the time the tour ended I just wanted to run away. Leave and never come back. I considered it a few times, just running away. It didn’t feel like any of you were going to do anything serious because you were just afraid they’d walk away. Isaac proved that when I did say something. The cake to my face felt funny to everyone but me, she did that on purpose and I knew I couldn’t get on that stage without help and that was just more for them. I am solely someone for them to pick on.”

I simply waited, pretty sure there was more because she seemed to be thinking about it.

“Sierra didn’t help, she apparently thinks I live in a fantasy world. I tried to tell her that I didn’t. But, she wouldn’t listen. It was I think before Ike intervened and we argued, she just said I lived in some fantasy world and I needed to live in reality. My reality at the time was so bleak. I am nothing to like everyone. No one ever wants to stay, they just want to use me and leave.”

“You are everything to me. You are beautiful, smart, you have an incredible talent for drawing, I have no doubt that with a little practice your computer designs will be just as great. I love you Gabriella, I don’t care what anyone else thinks.”

“It’s what no one understands. It’s all Jacob ever told me. I’d never be loved and I’d never have that because I was useless to everyone around me. I was only there for the check and that was it. They didn’t love me, Shawn didn’t. Quite obvious he left and so did Max. I guess with Simon it was easier to live in that fantasy world.”

“How could it be easier?”

“He made all the decisions for me. Shawn made them before he left, major ones anyway. What do you want to be Gabby, I want to be a doctor. Well, I looked up to him so I wanted to be a doctor too until he left me there alone. Max talked about working in music from the time I met him, plays the guitar when he feels like it. He wouldn’t teach me though. I wanted to be a producer or something until he left, then I just wanted to stop the pain. Twice someone I’d loved with everything had just walked away, Jacob took no time exploiting that. Love them and they’ll leave. I don’t know how many times he told me that until the constant shit from him just…I couldn’t take it anymore. Living with Simon meant everything I did was controlled. Do something stupid? Get spanked. You learn not to do the stupid stuff anymore.”

I wiped the tears off her face. “But that’s not how you help someone Gabriella.”

“It didn’t matter Zachary. He did drugs but didn’t let me, three years I was clean because of him. I thought Tera cared more than she does. I figured someone there would stop me. They didn’t care. I shouldn’t have ran but everything just piled up and I couldn’t deal.”

“I don’t know who brought them but I wish I did so I could tell them to stay out of our business. I don’t blame you for leaving, I can’t. I didn’t think you felt that badly about everything.”

“I haven’t been the best at telling anyone, not even Abby, how I feel. She’s got this sixth sense about things though, she tends to read me long before I even know.”

“I see. Well, believe me that I will make a concentrated effort to acquire her sixth sense. I’m not sure my heart or brain can handle you running away again. Not sure my brothers can either, I drove them crazy.”

She moved the pictures. “You know…as adventurous as I am with sex. I don’t even have pictures like this.”

“Yeah, well I didn’t know those existed until I saw them on the table.”

“But you remember her?”

“I stopped really remembering names after about four, just seemed easier not to bother.”

“I know that feeling well. I remember some of them but not all, Simon actually sent a few I didn’t remember at all.”

“These um..pictures.”

“You never turned the laptop on did you?”

“It’s your laptop Gabriella.”

“I go missing and you don’t even snoop.”

She got the laptop and showed me the pictures, fresh hell for my poor brain. “Did you just not believe in clothes?”

She giggled. “In the winter time I did.”

“Ripped jeans and a jacket don’t count.”

“It did for me. It really wasn’t easy because most the time I just wanted somewhere that felt safe.”

“How come you never found Shawn?”

“I was under the impression he hated me, I knew he wouldn’t be happy with what I was doing either.”

She showed me the ones that Abby had sent, it was clear even in the pictures that she had loved Max but it was also clear that Abby and Max had something going on. The ones of her before the wild phase hit showed more what she was now, the same hair only longer. The same delicate features not marred with pounds of makeup. It was easy to see when the other girls influenced her.

I considered pushing her more but I was worried about her mental state at the moment, she didn’t seem to want to talk about Sierra or the miscarriage. I tried Sierra and she just diverted me to dinner, so I took the hint and let them drop for now.

I felt like the miscarriage was a major issue and a major reason why she left, the comments I had seen and the way she acted had said they stung. Added, she all but hyper focused on that New York picture. She did talk a little more about how the fans made her feel, depression was an understatement in my opinion. It made me question some of our fans, were they always this vicious toward each other?! Were they this bad with Stella and Nicole and them just not say anything?

I finally made those homemade burgers and we had a late dinner. I then got her phone so she could call Abigail to let her know she was okay. While she talked to her I let Taylor, Isaac and Shawn know how she was and I told Sierra she was fine as well. She and Abby talked for a bit and because both of us were still tired so I recommended going to bed early. We laid down about 10 and I don’t even remember 10:30.