Chapter 7 - I'm Not Them
November 15, 2010
Gowns were a cruel piece of clothing, panties were a close second. Several mornings I'd woken up to a great view of his panty clad ass. It was getting hard to ignore that he was an omega and here. His scent had lost all traces of acidity so it was mostly bright, and sweet. Jasmine and vanilla were becoming my favorite scents. He also has tinged sweet roses and the smell of sugar at times. It would go a bit tangy or even burnt if he was upset.
But as much as I wanted to show him how an Alpha should treat him sexually, the lingering bruises were a reminder that he was abused before and I didn't want to trigger any bad memories or make him feel like he had to. So, I'd take care of my raging boner alone.
I was starting to regret buying so many pairs of the panties though.
It wasn't his ass against me that woke me up, nor was it the jasmine and vanilla. What woke me up was the smell of something burning. I looked behind me to find the bed empty and he wasn't in the room either.
I jumped up and headed to the front. The moment I turned the corner to face the living room I panicked. Black smoke was wafting through the front room, it took mere seconds to reach the kitchen where I saw Cas holding a pan that had flames in it.
I quickly took the pan and threw it in the sink, then doused it with salt. I knew better than to use water.
It wasn't the only pan either. I moved him to the closest seat. "Stay here."
I could smell the regret, fear and nervousness on him. A combination of wilted flowers and burnt vanilla. But I didn't have time to examine it right this moment. I got the stove off, the pans heavily salted and several windows opened so the smoke could clear before the alarm in the hallway went off.
It was probably 20 minutes before I turned to where I'd left him to consider why him not using the stove was a rule. But I stopped dead still in the middle of the kitchen.
He was not sitting in the chair; he had his head laying on the seat, his hands grasping the chair rails. The gown was lifted to mid back, displaying most of the lower part of his back and the silky light beige panties he'd put on last night were lowered to his thighs. His perfect ass was on display and while normally it would cause my dick to respond, it just made my heart break that he expected me to hurt him.
I paused and took stock of my own scent. Yes, I was upset. Was I too upset to talk right now? No. The kitchen was fine. The pans could be cleaned or replaced, nothing was really damaged. He hadn't appeared hurt, but I would find out now.
I walked over and instead of saying anything I got the edges of the panties and slipped them back over his ass. My fingers ran a trail up the smooth skin and he flinched when they grabbed the band. I slid my hands over his back and pulled the gown back down over him.
"Come on, you're supposed to be sitting."
He raised up but the look on his face was so heartbreaking. A mixture of sadness and confusion, like he had no idea what to expect now. I imagine the worst case scenarios were playing through his head.
"Are you alright? Did you get hurt?"
He blinked. "Alpha?
"Yes, I'm asking if you are hurt anywhere? Did the hot pans get you?"
"No... why... I don't," he stammered.
"You know this is a rule. That you aren't supposed to use the stove. I made sure there were plenty of options so you didn't have to. Do you understand why that is a rule now? You could have gotten hurt."
He went to raise the gown and resume the same position but I stopped him. "No. I'm not going to spank you or hit you. I just want to know that you understand why this was a rule."
"Yes, Alpha. I could have hurt myself or caused a fire."
"Are you going to do it again?"
"No, Alpha."
"Alright. We're good."
His scent was off though; the jasmine and vanilla were present but muddled under something I couldn't identify. I turned to the kitchen to survey the damage, he clearly was trying to make breakfast. I saw a bacon package on the counter and cracked eggs.
"Alpha."
"I got this. Don't worry about it. Sit there. Consider this rule and why it was given."
I moved the burnt pans to the sink and filled them with water. I might be able to save them, but I wouldn't know until they soaked. I was certain one wouldn't be, but maybe.
I scented the very subtle change, the jasmine and vanilla was turning to rain. I turned toward where Castiel was supposed to be sitting. I could see the tears on his face.
"Castiel, sweetheart, I'm not mad."
"Why not?!"
"Because you're okay. This stuff can be replaced."
I put the pan down and walked around the island to him. "What's wrong, sweetheart?"
He was quiet for a second as the rain scent intensified. "You aren't using me for anything! You... bring me here but you don't want me to cook or clean. You won't even use me to satisfy your own needs. You... leave me in the bed to satisfy your knot alone. What am I doing wrong, Alpha? Do you not like gowns or panties? Is it... me? You won't even punish me! I don't... why are you not... why..." His outburst trailed off into sobs.
Shit. Fuck. I hadn't seen this coming but I guess I should have.
I moved to him and pulled him in for a hug, the rain stayed and didn't let up until the sobs started to slow down. But the rain scent was still there.
"Why, Alpha? You don't seem to want me here. Was I that bad?"
"Sweetheart, you are not bad. You've been very good. But it's clear that we need to talk. However, I want you to be calmer. I'm going to fix us some cereal, we're going to have some breakfast, and then we'll talk."
Food was a good distraction and cereal was quick. He ate what I sat in front of him and the dishes were laid off to the side for later. I went to the living room and sat down, knowing he would follow.
Yet, he must be determined as instead of sitting beside me or even in my lap, he laid himself across my lap. His ass is in a perfectly spankable position. I sighed.
"Cas."
"I broke a rule, Alpha," he stated.
"Yes, you did. But, my rules never indicated punishments would be physical. I don't want to hurt you."
"But... its..."
I laid my hand across his lips, stopping that sentence. My other hand was resting on the small of his back.
"I am not Michael. I am not Wainwright. Nor am I any of the alphas that have called themselves your owner since you were taken. Is that clear?"
"Yes, Alpha."
"Then explain to me why you keep wanting me to hit you for this when I've clearly said I won't spank you or hit you."
"I'm used to it. It's... how I knew they somewhat cared."
I moved my hands and gently lifted his side, indicating he should get up from this position. I patted my legs and he quickly straddled them, but his eyes were over my shoulder somewhere.
"Look at me." His eyes went to mine instead of the cushion behind me. "Caring about someone does not mean you hurt them. I care about my brother, I don't hit him or yell at him. I care about Dr. Harvelle and I certainly would not yell at her or attempt to strike her. I care about you. I don't like seeing bruises on you. I hated them. Why then, would I want to cause them?"
"You care about me?"
"Yes. I do. I want you to be happy here. To learn who you are, to enjoy your life. What they all did was wrong. The laws clearly state that every person is free. That they should be treated with respect and dignity, regardless of their primary or secondary gender."
I paused to redirect his face to mine, he was kinda drifting.
"Castiel, they kept you a prisoner. They made you do things you didn't want to do. They hurt you for no reason. There is nothing you have done that warrants the type of bruising you had when I found you. That cage was cruel and inhumane. You are worthy of so much more. I understand all you've known until me was physical punishment. I really didn't want to set rules. The ones I do have are for your safety and that's it."
"But I thought providing the punishment was showing they did care. You don't do that."
I brushed a stray hair from his forehead. "It can be. We teach our pups to be good adults with the use of punishments. But would you ever hurt a pup like you were?"
"No, Alpha."
"Then why should you be hurt that way? A few pops on the rear end is more than enough, and sometimes it's better to sit and talk like this. I'm sorry you ended up with them and I hope everyone of them gets life in jail. But, I am not them. I will not hit you or spank you just because you do something I don't like or break a rule. Understand the rules I made were for your safety. Ones that can be reevaluated at a later date."
His eyes cast down for several moments and I dreaded where it was going. I wasn't entirely sure how to explain that I really want to but don't trust his "yes", yet.
"You don't touch me like them. Why not? I know you've gone away to take care of your knot even when I was right there. They never did unless it was heats. And you still haven't discussed that. Is it me?"
"It is not you, sweetheart. It is me. Believe me, I want to touch you. I want us to enjoy that type of contact and intimacy."
"Then why do you leave?!" The desperation in his voice was clear.
"Because I want you to consent to those activities. I don't want you to say yes because you feel you have to, or that I'll be disappointed or mad if you say no. Sex is not meant to be how they showed you. I would never tie up anyone and just use them."
He settled back onto my legs a bit more and I got the most adorable confused face ever. I was glad the rain scent was going away slowly. That sweet jasmine and vanilla scent was coming back.
"Consent?"
"Yes. Do you know what that means?"
"My dad told me consent was not something I should care about. That I was to do what my alpha or master told me to do."
"I was afraid of that. Consent is when you give someone permission to touch you in any way or do anything else. For example, I would not touch Dr. Harvelle on the rear end without asking her. Doing so is wrong and in some cases, illegal."
"But you hug her and Garth and don't ask."
"We both agree to the hug by gestures. I hug you all the time, but if I came in for a hug and you pushed me away, I wouldn't force it. The same concept applies to sex, and that includes all forms."
"So, you won't touch me until I say it's okay. But it doesn't sound like you would even if I said yes."
"That's tricky. Believe me, I would love for you to say yes. But I also understand that you haven't been given that choice and I don't know that you would say no if I did something you didn't like. It's why I haven't shown you much in regards to heat. Cas, most omegas in heat want and crave sex with an alpha. But you've never been given that and I don't want you to assume that you have to."
"I can't agree or disagree if you don't show me, Alpha."
"Alright, we'll find some videos and I'll find you some articles. But do you still feel like I don't want you here?"
He shook his head."I just didn't understand why you wouldn't inflict pain."
"Because, I don't want you in pain. Likewise, I do want you to know how to use the stove. But clearly we need to work on that together."
"I just wanted to make breakfast; I felt like I couldn't do anything. Especially when you kept leaving."
"I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were aware that I was leaving and why. But it has nothing to do with you. Well, the reason I needed to was you, but it wasn't why I left the room. I left because it would be weird to handle that problem with you there, and me not knowing if you consented to being my eye candy."
I saw the faint pink rise to his cheeks. "If I do?"
"Do what?"
"Want to be your eye candy?"
"Mmm, one thing at a time..."
He slid a bit closer and leaned forward before hesitating. "Do I need your consent for this?"
"To cuddle and scent me? Not as long as we're at home."
He settled in and I wrapped my arms around him, held him tight.
"Alpha?"
"Yes, sweetheart?"
"Is this what being loved is like? Where you're cuddled and held."
"Yes. It's what you should have had all along."
I could feel the slight smile before he started getting heavy. He fell asleep after about fifteen minutes and I sighed. I couldn't get to my phone so I could only hold him and be content to have my mate safe in my arms.
He wasn't asleep long though before he was rising up. "I didn't mean to fall asleep."
"It's fine. I guess you got up early."
"I did. I wanted to make you breakfast. But clearly I didn't do a very good job."
"In time, you will. Would you like to help me clean up the kitchen? I'm going to try to save the pans. After that, we'll fix lunch and then I'll find some information for you. Promise."
"I can help."
"Come on then."
He got up and then we both headed to the kitchen. One pan was definitely gone. But the other two were salvageable and came clean. While I cleaned those he worked on the stove and getting the smoke off the cabinets. Even if there were times I caught glimpses of the beige satin.
Once the kitchen was clean we made sandwiches and got chips, sitting at the counter to eat. I liked that his scent was improving and that he felt better. While we were eating lunch I shot Ellen a message and asked her to email me some links on heats for him to review. Once the few dishes were clean I got my laptop and set it up.
"Alright, Ellen sent me several links about heats. But, aside from knowing what they feel like, did anyone explain them to you?"
"My father explained what a rut was. Because he assumed I would be an alpha."
"But they told you to listen to masters or other alphas?"
He nodded. "He said if I turned out to be an omega I would be nothing but a bitch or breeder. I didn't need to know anything beyond how to care for a pup. However, an alpha needed to know things. It's why he allowed me to go to school because he thought I would be like him."
"So had they known or thought you'd have been anything but an alpha, you wouldn't have been allowed any education?"
"Correct."
I really didn't understand his parents. "Well, then let's go over these together. I'm no expert at heats but I can try to find the answers for you."
He nodded and I opened up the first link which explained what puberty was, changes to the body, and what occurs during heats. It also touched on the body's way of stopping them for various reasons.
"So, mine stopped because my body knew I wasn't physically capable of carrying a pup?"
"It knows you can, but it also knows that your weight, hormones, and nutrition were all poor. You could, but there may be problems during birth or to the pup. Therefore your heats stopped."
He even read the articles on ruts that were linked to the same one. The next article helped educate him further on the whole lack of heats. It went in depth about nutritional needs, weight, and why they were important. It also included that some hormonal birth controls could affect them. He didn't have questions on that article.
The last one she sent was more about medical testing and the importance of exams and blood work. He read that one and then looked at me.
"Is this something you'd require, alpha?"
"Require? No. But I do believe these types of tests are important for your health and if you wanted pups they would be required."
His nose crinkled in an adorable way. "Do you know if they hurt?"
"From what I have heard they could be uncomfortable, but no one has told me outright they hurt. However, that may be a better question for Dr. Harvelle, as she performs these tests in her office routinely."
"I see. Perhaps I should?"
"If you feel like these could be beneficial, or if you're worried about something, then I can schedule it. She did want to perform a pap but didn't because you were unconscious and she values consent too."
He nodded and I did a general search on heat symptoms and ways to alleviate them. It was mostly opinions and they varied widely. He didn't seem impressed but did indicate some of those he'd had.
Fever and cramps seemed to be the biggest ones.
"Alpha, these don't say anything about helpers or anything of that nature."
"It does. This article stated that heats were helped by sex or sexual simulation."
"I've never had that."
"I know. I've got some videos as well but they are basically porn. Is that something you're okay watching?"
"Maybe later?"
"Deal. What would you like to do?"
"Is it possible to go for a walk?"
"You'll have to bundle up. But we can."
I would imagine he was going stir crazy. The physical therapy and Ellen's were the only places we'd been since coming home. So we got up and changed first, getting warm clothes, jackets and gloves.
We then headed outside. The day was pretty mild, but it was supposed to be colder later on. We walked around the block twice before he said he was tired and getting cold.
Once back inside he changed back into his gown and I giggled. "You love those gowns."
He gave me a small smile. "They're comfortable. Not restrictive."
"If you'd like some more we can get you some more and maybe some long sleeve ones because it is winter."
"I am warm at night. You are very warm."
"So I am. Would you like to fix dinner early or watch videos?"
He paused for a moment and considered it. "Videos, please."
"Alright."
I wasn't sure if he would be able to handle the videos, even though they are consenting adults. I wanted him to be close and to be able to scent me if needed. So I moved my laptop to the coffee table and got the wireless mouse.
I know that 18 year old me couldn't watch anything sexual without reacting. So, I got a towel and laid it beside me.
"Would you like to sit beside me?"
He looked perplexed by the towel. "I'd like to be in your lap if that's okay, Alpha."
"It is. But I can't guarantee I won't react to the video. Will you be okay with that?"
"React?" He asked.
"Yes. I can't guarantee that I won't get hard or smell aroused. But, I don't expect you to do anything."
"Okay."
I moved the towel to my lap. I couldn't say that it would make him horny or slick, but the towel was there just in case.
I expected him to sit down sideways but instead he chose to sit down with his back to me. That was new. I slid back a little more and spread my own legs to let him sink into the space. When he leaned back it was more comfortable and if I did have a reaction it wouldn't be pressing against his bottom.
"I didn't expect this position. Are you comfortable?"
"Yes, Alpha. I can see the screen and so can you. Also, I can scent you if needed."
I could scent him very well here, his scent gland was mere inches away. It was jasmine and vanilla at the moment, calm. I could see the rise and fall of his chest as he breathed and well, I could also see the thighs the gown wasn't covering. The bruises there were already gone.
"Alright, there's a few that I know we used for really young children. I'm going to play those first because they are informative. They are the same videos I saw in school."
He nodded and I pulled them up. They were short videos, about five minutes long. But they explained sex and he giggled through a few parts.
"My mom showed me one like this on Alphas and betas."
"They're tacky but at least they are right. The next few I would classify as porn. But, it is a genre that some find appealing and its heats. The omegas are generally truly in a heat. So there won't be a lot of foreplay involved. If it becomes too much just tell me."
"Okay Alpha."
I started the first one. I had several of this genre and knew this one was pretty tame. This genre usually began with the omega being restless or squirming around before calling for an alpha. Sometimes the call was to a mate, other times a service, and sometimes the alphas just showed up. This one had a mate.
The scenes didn't move as fast with this one either, a true mate would take care of the omega. He seemed focused and a few times his head tilted some but always came back.
I found he was a distraction because I wondered if he would ever be able to do this. Had those assholes warped his perceptions to the point he couldn't simply enjoy sex? His parents had done a number on him already before those assholes got to him.
I felt him shift and was drawn back to the present. His eyes were still on the scene, the omega was getting his mate ready, touching and licking at the head of his cock.
The jasmine and vanilla scents were still strong but something else was coming through. I couldn't quite pick it out yet though. I moved my eyes to the screen, watched with him for a bit. I heard the little hitch in his breathing when penetration occurred, but his scent remained the same. No distress.
The sounds were different too, the omega begging and encouraging his alpha. The alpha was soothing and not as demanding, paying attention to touch and kisses.
That undercurrent was getting stronger and I leaned in a bit to find it. When I did his head tilted, giving me full access.
"Are you okay if I scent you?"
"Yes, Alpha."
I got a bit closer and it hit me, honey. He smelled like sweet, sticky honey. That was totally new! I felt a shudder when I inhaled deeply, the smell of sweet honey making me lightheaded a bit.
I hazard a glance down his body and could see he was getting hard, the honey was his arousal scent. But he didn't seem to be paying any attention to the fact his dick was straining in beige panties.
"You could make yourself more comfortable."
"I am."
Maybe he was waiting or would ask afterwards, so I left it alone. Even if my own dick was noticing and now that I'd made the connection that honey was driving me crazy.
He shifted several times, probably trying to get more situated.
The alpha on screen was close, the omega even closer. But he was fixed on the screen when the alpha got his omega to come without being touched and it followed with the knotting. The last few minutes displayed softness, touches and kisses meant to calm racing hearts. The scenes faded and I paused it because another one would start as most heat cycles saw multiple rounds of sex before it died down.
His breathing had gotten a bit labored, his hands were clutching at my thighs like they were a life line and while it was very clear he knew his body responded, he was making no moves to touch himself or even move away from me.
I was sure my own dick being hard and pressing against him was known as well. But he didn't seem bothered by it.
"Castiel?"
"Yes, Alpha?" His voice cracked as he spoke.
I moved my fingers to pull on the gown, tugging gently at the ruffle of fabric. "You know you can touch yourself."
He shook his head. "Not allowed. It's why the cage was there. I didn't know this would happen, I'm sorry, Alpha."
Oh, well that won't do with me. "You are allowed. We removed the cage."
He made no effort to move though, so I just waited. The honey faded some as his breathing got more regular, he just relaxed against me. My own erection had gone away as well. He finally tilted his head to me.
"They never let me. The cage never came off. It was Master Michael that sealed it right after I got there."
"It's okay. You are allowed here, anytime you want or need to. I think we shouldn't watch another scene though."
"But that's not all they do."
"And if you have the same reaction? I don't want you to just ignore it."
He looked conflicted. But as much as I wanted to touch, I wouldn't if he didn't want to. I wanted to show him everything and show him how sex should be. But also how alphas should be in general, we aren't mindless people controlled by knots or greed. Not every alpha is an asshole.
"I don't know what to do. But, I trust you, Alpha."
"Trusting me is good. I'm glad you do. But I don't want to see you struggle to repress something that is natural. I'm sure you felt me."
"I did."
"Then what do you want to do?"
"Can we have dinner and then...maybe finish this?"
"Yes. But I'll ask the same question."
"I understand."
I did note when he got up the gown was dry and he didn't mention needing to clean up or anything. Perhaps he wasn't aroused enough to be slick or his body was still healing.
We fixed burgers and fries for dinner, his new favorite dinner. He helped me clean up the kitchen completely after we ate and I was sure it was just time for him to think about it.
When I sat down he got the towel and laid it back where it had been and sat back down the way he had been before.
"I trust you, Alpha. I don't know what to do because I've never been allowed to touch unless it was a bath. I am giving you permission to do what is appropriate and to touch me. I know you won't hurt me. I just don't want to go as far as them."
"And you know if anything is uncomfortable or you get upset you can say stop. You can push my hands away, you can move. There will be no punishments and I will not be mad."
"I do."
He got a bit more comfortable before I started the video again. Beginning with the aftercare aspect and cuddling. He seemed to relax as it moved into another round, a different position and obviously more messy than before. I saw his nose wrinkle at the mess, which I could understand.
It didn't take much time before the honey scent was starting to break through the jasmine and vanilla. He tilted his head when I drew close, and didn't mind me trying to inhale as much of that scent as possible.
I could tell when other things became problems, his squirming around began. I moved my hand to get the fabric of the gown, let it move up. His head tilted down slightly but he did adjust so it came out from under him.
He probably expected my hands to go right to the groin, but I didn't. I let them glide over his skin, avoiding any area I knew to still have lingering bruises.
Light touches to his abdomen, his sides, up his chest and across the nipples which reacted perfectly by hardening up. Moving down the thighs on the outside then trailing up the sensitive skin on the inner thigh, but not where the panties covered the ever growing erection.
His breathing was getting a bit shallower but I noticed he wasn't really watching the laptop screen. His head was tipped back, his neck fully exposed to me. I took a chance and pressed a very soft open mouth kiss to his neck and he seemed to melt a little, his body relaxing more.
"Still with me, sweetheart?"
"Yes."
"Want me to stop?"
"No."
I couldn't kiss much space because of the gown but I could reach parts of his neck and I continued to touch, coming back to the nipples but not ever pinching or pulling, light touches. I felt his fingernails dig into the meat of my thigh a few times.
I heard a light moan but then his hand was pressed over his mouth.
I reached up and moved his hand. "No, I want to hear every little sound, every moan, every whimper. Don't ever stop those."
His pupils were blown wide, face and neck flushed a pretty pink. He kept trying to grip my thigh for stability and I hadn't even actually touched anything covered in beige satin.
"Alpha." The deep gravelly voice was tinged with desperation.
"I've got you my omega."
There was a light moan that slipped free at that. The film was masking his noises though and wouldn't do. So I quickly just shut it off. He didn't seem to even notice.
The honey scent was thick and mixed with my own spicy scent perfectly. I moved my hands back down his outer thighs, over and then was moving them up the inner thighs. He moved his legs outward on his own. So this time, I didn't move away when I got closer.
The satin was straining and there was a wet spot at the head, so I moved my fingertips along the open space and felt the full body shudder from him along with the moan that was indeed higher pitched.
My fingers lightly tugged on the satin as they came up and his breath hitched. I moved them under the waistband and slid my hand down the shaft taking the satin with them. Mindful that he did have injuries here that were healed but could still be sensitive, I kept my hand under the satin until I could place it behind his balls.
He was bigger than expected for an omega which could be why his parents assumed alpha. Yet his chest wasn't moving and I paused and gently kissed his cheek.
"Breath, sweetheart. I won't hurt you."
I gave him a few minutes to calm down and get used to this whole situation before I moved my hand back to the erection. He jerked slightly when my hand closed around the base and the first stroke gave me the best sounds. Little whimpers and moans that made my dick twitch in its confined space.
My right hand kept even, light pressure on the shaft while the left slipped down to massage the balls. But even I knew it wouldn't last long. He was hypersensitive and this was all very new. So it didn't shock me that he came pretty quickly.
The sound of him moaning alpha though was enough for me. It had been fucking years since I'd come in my pants!
Sadly the towel was out of my reach and curiosity got the best of me. He tasted like honey as well. He'd watched me lick the come off my hand and I felt the shudder.
"You can try this as well, if you want."
He just shook his head, his eyes heavy and his body fully relaxed. I wrapped my arms around him, I could clean the gown later.
I thought at first he was going to just fall asleep but he eventually stirred some.
"Sticky."
"Yeah, me too."
"You too?"
I pressed my lips to his cheek again. "Your sweet sounds were enough for me to come. Having you wiggling in my lap certainly helped. We should both get cleaned up."
"I think...I may have slicked some too. I'm not sure, it's been so long."
"It's fine if you did. Come on, let's get cleaned up."
It was evident that he had slicked some when he got up, damp spots on the towel and those satin panties were evident. We both went to the master bathroom and I expected to just grab a rag and then head to the spare to clean myself up but he got my hand before I could leave the room.
"Would you join me if it's not too much?"
"Are you comfortable with that?"
"I know you won't hurt me, Alpha. I trust you."
I smiled at him and nodded. "Alright."
It was a quick shower but it felt really weird to be in the shower with him alone. I cleaned him myself after asking and he seemed to enjoy it. Once we were both cleaned and dried off, we got clean pajamas on.
It was then a little bit of television before going to bed.