POV: Cas
December 14, 2003
No alarms on Sunday meant it was a little before nine before I woke up. Dean was already gone as this was the last week the garage was open and all hands were on deck. His alarm hadn’t even woken me up this morning but I’d gone to bed later than normal last night trying to finish that last chapter.
I got myself showered, woken up, and then called Charlie. She had wanted to do some shopping today and had told me to call her when I was up. While I waited for her to arrive I straightened up briefly. Dean wasn’t a messy person but liked to leave clothes everywhere in the bedroom. It was an adjustment living with him full time and not just a few days a week. When the doorbell rang at ten thirty, I got it quickly.
“What’s up, bitch?”
“Charlie.”
She smiled. “Morning, Cas…where’s Dean?”
“He’s at the garage, so it’s just you and me today.”
“Sweet.”
She came in while I got my coat and wallet.
“Dean’s been doing a lot of shopping; only one of these is from you to someone else.”
I sighed. “Yes, I um…have to fix that today. He left me a list of things his parents and Sam liked and disliked. I plan to finish shopping tomorrow.”
“Guess we should go then. I have a few and Dean left.”
“Dean is my problem child. He won’t give me a list.”
She giggled. “Wrap yourself up, he’ll love it.”
Wrap myself up? I rolled my eyes at that suggestion because he had suggested it last week. But we headed out, getting breakfast first and then heading to the nearest mall. We started with her list which had her girlfriend, one other mutual friend, and Dean. The mutual friend was easy as he was a tech nut and she went with a new keyboard and mouse set that he’d mentioned. Her girlfriend was pretty easy as well; she dragged me into the lingerie section of the store and she raised her eyebrow when I commented on a satin green pair and then put them in the cart I had.
“Do I want to ask why you are putting those in your basket?”
I shook my head. “No, you don’t.”
“Now I’m picturing you in those and that is not good, Cas.”
I glanced at her. “They’re not for me.”
She gawked at me. “I didn’t need that mental image either!”
I just smirked and waited as she picked out some night clothes, underwear, and assorted frilly things that I couldn’t imagine Dean in. As we browsed the knick knack areas, I found something for Mary and even Sam’s girlfriend Jess who was joining us as well. Both liked cute animals but especially birds. I also found a journal for Jess and a book on birds for Mary. He’d listed clothes for his dad which was easy. Sam being the smart one, meant he liked anything that would expand his knowledge. Dean had gotten him a professional briefcase for when he graduated and I helped with some accessories for it along with some books about different mythologies since he liked that.
We took a snack break at the mall food court and debated about Dean.
“He doesn’t read?”
“Not really, he’s read my books. I suppose that’s one gift I have because his copies were destroyed in the fire. They were on a shelf near the kitchen and they got burned and then soaked. They should be in on Wednesday.”
“Dammit, Cas!” She said, “Clothes?”
“He could use a few more shirts and t-shirts. He wears a lot of white ones under the coveralls. Oh! long johns. He needs some for the winter because it’s been cold and he’s complained.”
She nodded and wrote it down and we discussed a few more options before admitting defeat and heading off. Long Johns and shirts shouldn’t be hard - but it was. Finding the right size and colors and style was a challenge. She eventually just got him several flannels and said she would get a gift card from the bakery she knows he likes. Pie, she could never go wrong with pie. I managed to find the long johns and got a few of those along with some t-shirts with bands he liked.
“Did you talk to Dean about the house versus garage thing? You asked me about the codes.”
“I did. The engineer will be there Friday. They are going to check if the second story was legal, he feels it was. He’s then going to assess the building and see what can be done.”
Dean and I agreed that for now we wouldn’t inform anyone that the house would be ours and not just his. Mostly because we hadn’t gone to a bank to even see if we could borrow together or not. If we couldn’t, then it may not happen.
“Was he okay with that?”
“Yes. Once he knows what can be done he can see if it’s possible. He’s not even sure what he wants in a house.”
He and I had discussed it over the weekend and neither of us were sure. Added, it was hard to plan when we weren’t sure if we could even build there.
“Makes sense. Are you spending Christmas with your family at all?”
“Oh yeah, they’re all coming here for Christmas. Dean’s parents have a larger area for entertaining so we can all fit comfortably. They all love to be there. Sam’s girlfriend is actually local so she’s coming over around noon, spending the morning with her family.”
“Are you going north like normal?”
I nodded. “Yes. Dean and I are going up the weekend to stay with them and then we’re doing New Years alone.”
“As you should.”
“Are you spending any time with your mom?”
She smiled. “Yes. We’re going up Wednesday and coming back Saturday. So, we need to get together before next Wednesday to exchange.”
“I’ll ask Dean, they close Friday and are closed until next year. I’m sure Monday or Tuesday is okay.”
“Deal.”
“Is there anyone left?”
I took an assessment of my cart naming people. I still needed a few smaller things but the bigger items were done. She counted and found we were good so we found wrapping papers, bows and tags and then checked out. Dean was still at the garage so I knew I had to wrap his first.
“Are you seriously going to give him that pair of panties?”
I chuckled. “Stocking stuffer; is why I got them.”
“I’d be afraid to see what he puts in yours.”
“I am too, honestly.”
She moved her bags to the car along with the items she bought to wrap them and then helped me carry mine inside. We just sat it in the living room. We got drinks and then sat down on the floor. I started with Dean’s because he may be home sooner than normal.
“Charlie, would you object if I asked a question? It’s sex related.”
“I will never object to you Cas, I may not be able to answer it but I can try. Just please don’t ask me how to get him into those silky things you bought.”
Well, I didn’t have to ask her how to do that. He would wear them willingly without hesitation if I asked.
“Deal. I know that between us, our sex lives differ in ways.”
She smirked. “Yes. I don’t have dangly parts like you.”
“Exactly. But, when did you decide to go that far?”
“I thought you had gone that far? I mean, you aren’t as detailed with the sexual side as you were with the others.”
“We have gone farther but I wasn’t on the receiving end of the sex itself. I do want to be though.”
“Cas, I understand the common terms. You were the top and he was the bottom. But, you want to experience what being the bottom is like? I mean come on Cas; I know the mechanics of gay sex like I do lesbian sex.”
Leave it to Charlie to know the terms and make me use them.
“Yes. I was the top. It was something he wanted. Yes, I do want that. I mean, I know he’s a switch and would be fine either way. I just don’t know if I am as well or if I just won’t like it.”
“Have you told him?”
“No. I know he’d be fine with it, but…”
Fuck, I didn’t even know how to say it and maybe I should have asked Sasha, but Charlie was closer to me and I trusted her more to not mention it to Dean at all. She sat patiently waiting for me to get my head together.
“But…?” She finally asked.
“I’m scared, Charlie. No one has ever had the ability to do that to me.”
“Are you saying that of the men you dated, not a single one did anything as far as that back area goes? Not sure if you want literal terms.”
“Non literal is fine and right. I mean Dean has ventured that way but he doesn’t go very far and I think it’s because each time he has, I tense up. When I do, he backs off. Even if there are times where I really wish he wouldn’t back off, I just can’t say that and I tense up anyway.”
“Okay, so let’s assume you’re there and his hand is there. What runs through your mind when you realize where his hand is?”
I slumped a bit. “Robert mostly, since I knew that he would hurt me. There wouldn’t be any doubt about that. I think that’s the issue with the others
too, I pointedly told them not to try that. Granted, it could have been a reason for them leaving.”
She tilted her head. “You told them no?”
I nodded. “Pretty much as soon as we ventured toward the sex, I told them that was too far. At least for then. I never said ‘never’. I just…I didn’t think they wouldn’t hurt me.”
“Did you tell Dean that?”
I opened my mouth to say yes but stopped, because I’d never told him that sex was off limits. Not even when I told him about being a virgin did I say no to the idea of sex. I paused my wrapping trying to remember if at any time I had and I came up empty.
“No. I told him I never had. But, I never told him it wouldn’t happen.”
“I think you know that Dean isn’t Robert. Has Dean ever done anything that hurt you? Unasked for, mind you.”
“No. He’s always gentle. Even when he bottomed, he knew I was nervous about it and basically gave me an out.”
She smiled. “He’s not Robert, Castiel. If this is something you really want to do, you should talk to him about it beforehand. Maybe let him do some of the smaller things before you really decide. I’ve had more than a few male friends who said just fingers hurt too much for them and they didn’t want to go that far. They prefer the top position. Tell him you want to explore more but you’re afraid and you want him to be aware of it. If you tense up he’s going to stop, he doesn’t want to hurt you. She and I discuss new things so we’re both comfortable with it.”
“Everyone keeps saying talk, whether it’s sex or emotions. Is that like the cure to everything?”
She laughed. “Talking leads to a lot of fun things, Castiel. But yes, talking goes a long way. Robert wasn’t a talker and none of the others seemed to be.
Dean will listen and he will do what you ask and Castiel, if you tell him to stop for whatever reason, I fully believe he will.”
“I suppose. Yeah, I think he would stop too.”
She smiled bigger. “Talk to him. That’s my final advice. Now, you need to finish wrapping his gift before he gets home.”
I finished wrapping the last of what I had for Dean before I heard the car pull up. She placed the box under the tree and I kept wrapping though. He came in with his thick coat on and coveralls.
“Hey, Charlie.”
“Hey, Dean-o.”
I got the head rub. “Hey, babe.”
I tilted my head back. “Hey, day go okay?”
“Yep. All of the invoices and paperwork is done. I’ll only have to do whatever comes in this week. Which isn’t much. I also got the quotes that were ready and sent them out.”
“Good job!”
He gestured to the various things around me. “I see you made progress today too.”
“All I have left is my parents and Gabe and his girlfriend. I’ve got to ask what she may like.”
“So you got mine?”
I giggled with Charlie. “Yes, and it’s already wrapped.”
“Stocking stuffer included.” Charlie giggled.
I bit back a giggle of my own and he looked perplexed and confused but chose not to ask.
“I’m going to find some more comfortable and warmer clothes. I’ll be back.”
We both nodded and kept wrapping even after he came back. He liked the books and items I’d chosen and even said his book would go well with the ones on birds I got for his Mom. He nagged Charlie some about what I had gotten him but she wouldn’t say. He asked about what she got him and she just gave him a blank stare as if he’d asked her about men or something.
“I guess I’m not being told by her.”
“Nope,” I said.
She sat with us for a few more hours covering what she’d been doing and when she was moving back near town, her plans for the New Year which were similar to ours. We set up next Tuesday to exchange gifts between the four of us before she headed home to spend time with her girlfriend.
“Did you have a good day?” Dean asked.
“I did. It was nice to spend some time with Charlie.”
“I think it’s good for you as well. You’ve been around me too long.”
I smiled. But I considered what she said concerning talking to him about the whole switching thing. Maybe she was right and it would be what Sasha
recommended as well, I’m sure he would. Dean was sitting on the floor with me, helping me wrap the last of the items.
“Hey, Dean?”
He looked at me. “Yes?”
“Do you enjoy being a bottom? I’ve never really asked before.”
He blinked and looked stunned. “Not what I expected on a Sunday afternoon as we wrap presents, Cas.”
I tilted my head and gave him a blank stare. “Dean.”
He sat a moment before he smiled. “Yes Sunshine, I do enjoy being a bottom during sex. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have agreed or ever wanted it.”
“But, do you enjoy being the top as well?”
He was quiet for just a moment. “Yes. I do. The feeling is different and the dynamic changes as well. But, Castiel, if you think you have to bottom to please me, you don’t. I’m happy with what we do now. Are you?”
Well, fuck. I stepped into that one big time and my brain just didn’t want to say yes because I wanted to explore more! I didn’t want to upset him this close to Christmas or this close to a week I was sure would be hard and stressful. I was so caught up in the two emotions crashing that I didn’t immediately know he’d moved from the spot in front of me to beside me. He caught my attention by getting my hand which was fiddling with my shirt
tail relentlessly. I looked at him and he patted the space where his legs were crossed.
It took me a moment to connect the action with his expression and I moved into his lap, folding my legs behind him and he moved his out so I could sit lower. His arms went around me, pulling me in for a hug. We were again forehead to forehead when he smiled.
“Castiel, it’s okay if you say no. I’m not going to be upset or angry. Your hesitation makes me think it’s a no. Is it?”
I just nodded slightly and I was afraid he’d be mad and upset with me. Instead he smiled a bit.
“Well, that’s not going to do. You should be content and happy as well. What upsets you, what do you need? What are we not doing that you want to do?”
“I am content in what we do; there isn’t anything that upsets me currently. But, I do want to explore more and I think…I think I want to switch. But, I don’t have a clue if I’ll like it or not. I’m not sure I can be as relaxed as you are with it.”
His lips connected lightly with mine. “You fear the pain aspect; you fear it’ll hurt too much?”
“I’m that transparent?”
He laughed slightly. “Yes baby, you are. I mean anytime my hand gets close, you tense up and you don’t relax much until my hand is far away.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Why are you apologizing?”
“Because you want to and I just…I don’t know, just suck at it.”
He pulled me in tight and God, I loved this feeling so much; being held and loved.
“You don’t suck, Castiel. There is a lot about sex that you haven’t done before because you didn’t trust those other guys. Some things can be scary and it’s perfectly fine to have fears regarding those. Believe me, the first time wasn’t a walk in the park for me either. I was terrified about many things. My first time did hurt, I wasn’t use to that type of sex and I didn’t know what to expect.”
My brow rose; Sasha had hurt him?! But I felt a peck to my lips.
“It’s okay, Sasha told me there would be pain. It did hurt a bit, but once I adjusted and relaxed, it was fucking amazing.”
“What if I can’t ever adjust?”
He pulled me in for a tight hug and a deep kiss, one that caused me to just melt. When he pulled away, he made sure I was looking right at those emerald eyes.
“If you can’t adjust or if it just hurts too much for you, then we stop. Not every gay man enjoys anal sex, Cas. I would never make you continue if you didn’t want to. You know that’s true.”
“I do.”
“You’ll have worries and fears, I know I did. But don’t be afraid to ask me anything you want.” He leaned in and nipped at my bottom lip. “Don’t be afraid to ask if you want to try something new either.”
I could feel the slight blush flush across my cheeks and he kept placing kisses in various places and I could feel myself relax. When they moved to my neck, I felt like a puddle. He always made me feel so safe and happy; no one else had ever done that. But he finally moved back to my lips.
“Was there anything else you wanted to try?”
I smirked. “That list could be endless, Dean. But, seriously it’s a discussion that needs better prep and more comfortable locations.”
“Interesting…If you want to switch we can, but I think you should start slower. We can pick an afternoon where we can play and we’ll start with fingers.”
“And if that’s not enough for me?”
He laughed and I loved the deep tone to it.
“If that’s not enough, we can move forward. But seriously Castiel, I love you and I won’t push you to do anything you aren’t comfortable with.”
“Thank you, Dean.”
“Anytime.”
“So, how about we fix dinner and then finish this?”
“Deal.”
I had to get up first and then help him up, we then fixed dinner and I found that it was easier to think about him doing those things to me. Once we finished up dinner we finished the wrapping and put things under the tree. Finally, we just watched some TV before bed. It would be a long week for Dean and I was going with him a few days to assist when I could. But I’d be spending time at home working on the book until Friday at five. We both agreed to no work next week.