Chapter 38: Stay Away
POV: Gabby
Word Count: 4407
August 21, 2009
Zac left at seven but I got to sleep in, Shawn got called in for a bit so he just come here instead of home. It was after nine before I got up and got dressed for the day, finding he’d made breakfast already for us. Bacon, eggs, toast, assorted fruit and juice.
“Bribery this early in the morning?”
“Not bribery, I want my niece to have a well balanced breakfast. Even if Zac insisted the doctor is wrong and I shall have a nephew.”
I giggled. “He still hasn’t quite accepted and embraced a daughter. I keep telling him that is what he has but he keeps telling me they’re wrong.”
“That boy needs a slap to the head sometimes.”
I ate what he’d fixed though, it wasn’t often I got a decent breakfast during the week. He eyed the stuff still sitting in the living room.
“Are you ever going to move that stuff?”
“He painted the nursery Monday but we still have to get the chair rail up and get the closet painted. He left it white and I told him to do the taupe color. We did a white chair rail because the base boards and stuff are already white.”
“Taupe?”
“The bottom half is taupe the top is pink.”
“I was going to say.”
“You can see it if you want.”
“Not denying that chance.”
While I finished up he ran up and then came back. “Approved.”
I shook my head. “The thank you cards went out Wednesday. So you should get one and Grace.”
“Not needed but thank you.”
“Hey, even Taylor and Isaac got them.”
“Grace will appreciate it. She wasn’t sure about the bedding set, but she said it would work for the studio since you have two cribs technically. By the way, love the one up-stairs.”
“We put that together and Zac doubled checked the stuff. He and his brother did the dressers.”
“Tell him if he needs more help to call me, I won’t mind.”
“That crib was nice, I hadn’t even considered what I’d do if I was there. But, really I don’t want to always be there.”
“It’s understandable but maybe it’s better if you are. He can be around her and help you.”
“I caught him looking at the breastfeeding websites that Grace sent to me.”
“Was he not on board with that?”
“He is, but I said no bottles of any kind. He wanted to read up on stuff and have a better idea if what is better and not. He said as long as he gets to feed her somehow he’ll be fine, I recommend when we start solids that way I can do whatever I need while he does that.”
“Grace is really good, she knows the lactation nurse there at the hospital. She’s adamant about wanting to do the same thing herself but she also knows bottles will have to be used because her job isn’t as flexible as yours.”
I raised an eyebrow. “You not telling me something?”
“We’ve discussed kids a few times. She wants me to be done with school though and she went back too to finish her master’s.”
“We never discussed it, just kind of happened.”
“Nothing wrong with that, because neither of you have ever done anything normal.”
“True.”
When he finished eating I just put everything in the sink, I’d bother to clean up later. I showed him some of the more recent paintings and requests, some drawings also that weren’t the x-rated ones and the computer ones I’d done.
“You’re getting better with the computer stuff.”
“I try. It’s good when the paints piss me off.”
He smiled. “Are you still seeing Dr. Cortez?”
“Twice a month. Usually Tuesday’s, but sometimes it changes.”
“Is it still helping?”
“For the most part, I still have issues Shawn. I’m not sure anything will ever fix them.”
“You’ve come a long way from where you were a year ago. I mean you seem better.”
“Better is subject to who is around. I’m still terrified that I can’t raise this baby right. I’m terrified that all the decisions I make will be wrong. You think Grace’s few little articles were it? No, I’ve read thousands Shawn.”
“First time mothers do that Ella. They don’t always just assume it’s right.”
I moved to the living room and sat down. What better time?
“Speaking of mothers…”
He sat down on the other end of the sofa. “What about them?”
“Does our mother have my hair color?”
He turned slightly and raised an eyebrow. “Yes.”
“Do I look like her and you our father?”
“I guess. Why are you asking?”
I held the sheet of paper with their phone number on it out. “Is this their phone number?”
He glanced at the number and then back to me. “Why do you have that?”
“It is their number?”
“Yes. It’s the phone number I used to contact them last time. But, I never gave you that number Ella. Why do you have it?”
“They came to the house Monday afternoon, I have no memories of them at all. I couldn’t really talk to them so Zac handled it. He took the number, I called Julian, she said to talk to you.”
“Monday…is that why you asked if I was available?”
“Mostly, but we really don’t get a lot of time either.”
“Throw the number away Ella.”
“Why? They are my parents Shawn.”
“Throw the number away.”
His words were stern there, like they were when I was little and he meant it. Effective then, but I was a child then. I’m not now.
“You saw them Shawn, there is no way you could have gotten pictures of me as a toddler without speaking to them again. Meaning you went there after I was attacked. You said you saw them.”
“Yes, I did. And I’m telling you to throw the number away and forget they ever came here.”
I paused a few moments, did he know them and didn’t want me too? Was there some jealous bullshit going on here?
“Is this some stupid shit that you want to keep them to yourself? There my parents too Shawn.”
“As your brother I am telling you to stay the hell away from them.”
“You cannot be jealous they came here.”
“I’m not jealous.”
“Are you sure about that Shawn? I don’t know them at all, I was 13 months I don’t remember anything about them. I didn’t even know who they were when they showed up. I have a right to know them, this baby has a right to know them. If they want to then why neglect that?”
“Hell no. You will never take that baby around them. If you won’t listen to me, then I’ll make damn sure Zac knows not to let you. You can override my words but you can’t his Ella, he has as much right to her as you do.”
“What the fuck is your problem?”
“I have no problem. But I will not let you take her near them, if I have to…”
He voice trailed off and I almost wish I didn’t have the ability to know what he was thinking. That his next words surely weren’t what I thought.
“If you have to take her from me? Is that what you were about to say? Because I can tell you right now you will never take her from me.”
“I think it’s better I go.”
He went to get up but I got up before he did, blocked his way. There was no way he was saying that to me and then leaving.
“Hell no, you aren’t going to drop that little saying and then run like a coward. You want me to throw the number away you’ll tell me why. You will let me decide whether I or her go around them.”
“You? The one that constantly says that every decision you make is wrong? Why would I risk you fucking up again Ella? No, I won’t risk you taking her anywhere near them. Or you either for that matter.”
The sound resonated in the room, his face instantly turned a few shades darker, but the throbbing in my hand didn’t even feel that bad.
“They are my parents! I have the right to know who they are just like you do. If you are just jealous that they actually found me then I suggest you get the fuck out of my house. You’re supposed to be my brother, you of all people should understand why I want to call them. YOU found them!”
I paused a moment just to actually breathe. “You always wanted to go home, you blamed me and you hated me for causing us to be taken from them. You left me there with that fucking pedophile knowing he was hurting me because you hated me. You give me one god damn reason why I shouldn’t call them.”
I really wasn’t sure which one of us was more stunned, some part of me expected Zac to be standing there but he wasn’t here. I’m sure Shawn was rather expecting it too.
“All you need to know if that you shouldn’t call them.”
“That’s not good enough Shawn. I have the right to know them. You can’t stop me from knowing them because you want to keep them to yourself. This baby has a right to know her grandparents and if you think Zac will agree with you, then you are wrong. You spent years trying to go home, blaming me for being in foster homes, for being adopted. You cannot pull this bullshit now. You ran away and left me there because of them. I have a right to know what the hell was so special about that you didn’t love me enough to fucking stay.”
“You need to calm down Ella.”
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO!” I screamed.
The room grew quiet warm and I just stood there, he didn’t want me to know them. Didn’t want me to know the two people responsible for bringing me into this world. People he hated me for because I got us taken away. He left me there because of them. It never even occurred to me that I blamed them for him leaving. He always wanted to go home to them and didn’t understand why I didn’t.
He didn’t say a single word, just sat there staring at me. I really wanted to run but really, that wouldn’t solve anything. I really wanted to call Zac, make him come home and handle this. But, I wouldn’t have that option in October. If I can’t even handle my own brother alone, then I may as well pack my bags and go.
“Gabriella?” he asked.
That caught my attention because I couldn’t remember him ever calling me that. I looked down slightly.
“Are you okay? You didn’t respond to Ella.”
“I didn’t hear you.”
“Your face is very red, perhaps it’s best if you sit down and have some water.”
“Don’t tell me what to do Shawn, you won’t even give me a suitable reason.”
“Just sit and calm down, before something happens that neither of us want. I don’t want Zac to beat the hell out of me for causing pre-term labor.”
Perhaps he was right there, fuck him for being right. I moved to the other end and he got me a drink, water like he said. He then sat down with his own glass and for thirty minutes nothing was said between either of us. I hadn’t connected it that I’d realized the reason he hated me was because I was the reason he didn’t live with them. Dr. Cortez would be happy about that break through at least.
“Do you really think I left because of them?”
“Let’s not play games Shawn, you hated me because I adapted and didn’t want to go back to them. You did. I wondered why when they told me who I was I just couldn’t deal, now I do. I blame them for you leaving me, for loving them more than you did me.”
“I really wish I hadn’t ever left, wish I’d know the truth back then. If I had known, then I would have known that Julian and Jacob were far better options.”
“Jacob will never be a better option. He maybe to you but it wasn’t you he was raping it wasn’t you he touched. It wasn’t you he kept telling that no one loved you, that no one would ever would. Wasn’t you he told that big brother Shawn left because I was worthless. He was no better.”
“I know he hurt you Ella, but believe me. Even Jacob is better. Will you please just take my word for it this once?”
“Not after what you said, no. You threaten to take my child away over them. They can’t be that bad Shawn.”
He sighed. “Please?”
I shook my head. “Even if you tell Zac the reason you obviously don’t want to tell me. He’s going to tell me. Either way I find out. It’s better it come from you.”
“I want you to know that I only ever wanted to protect you, even when we weren’t talking.”
“Oh this is going to be bad if that’s your first sentence.”
“Our parents remembered you, when I told you they didn’t remember I lied. I wanted you to believe they didn’t so you wouldn’t take some wild notion to find them.”
“Okay.”
“Julian found me a few days after I left, but understood and in November I asked her for the papers on our parents. I met them March of 1996 in the town we were born. I hadn’t seen them since we were taken and they asked a billion questions about us both. I never questioned those, just answered.”
“1996? You met them in 1996?”
“Yes. Julian said you saw the police reports, have you?”
“Yeah. So, you’ve known them since 1996. Keep going.”
1996?! I wasn’t even thirteen yet and he knew them!
“The first time I met them they asked about you and I answered questions. I told them about the different homes and Julian and Jacob. I didn’t tell them we weren’t talking, but they wanted to meet you too. They wanted me to bring you there with me next time I came.”
“But you didn’t.”
“I asked Julian first in April of 96’. Explained that I found them and that they wanted to see you. I wasn’t stupid Ella, Julian could have had me arrested if I took off with you. She told me no. That I was old enough to do what I wanted but until you turned 16 she was not allowing you to see them, until you knew the details in that police report. She also said you weren’t really taking my leaving so well and that if I had no intentions of coming back, then I didn’t need to come around you. I wouldn’t have stayed Ella.”
I really wanted to be mad at Julian about that, wanted to be mad that he hadn’t done it anyway. But, really, if he had come back and left again, it was probable that not even Max could have helped me then.
“I went back to see them and explained what she said. They couldn’t really argue with Julian because legally she had custody and it was her choice, they just wanted me to tell them as much as I could about you. So I did. How you drew remarkably well, that you were easy going, funny, that you were doing well.”
“So it makes sense, but none of this is any reason to not see them now. If anything, the fact they wanted to see me then is more of a reason.”
“I went to the city for college and we had phone calls but nothing major, mostly how are you, I’m fine. When I finished in April of 1999 I came back here and I went to see them. They asked about the excessive smarts, like the ability to finish a four year degree in two and if you had that same talent. I didn’t think it was bad for them to know we both turned out to be above average intelligence given I am sure she did drugs with us both.”
He paused and took a few sips of water. “They asked me to get you again and I had to tell them we didn’t talk and why. They seemed to understand and I went to the bathroom and when I came back I overheard them talking about how naive and young you’d be, that you’d be too stupid to know better. But, I didn’t have a clue what they were talking about. I went to medical school in July and I didn’t really see them again until my graduation in 2003, they attended. They asked a lot of questions about you.”
“Well, they talked to you seems often, they never talked to me of course they’d have questions.”
Nothing he was saying was making me want to forgive him for threatening to take my baby. If anything it seemed like he really was being very selfish and keeping them from me.
“I worked in Oklahoma City for a little while, I transferred here in September of 2005. My residency is seven years and I wanted to be here for some. In October I saw them again, they’d moved just north of Tulsa and I met our Uncle who was shocked to see me.”
“We have an uncle?”
“Yes. One that I’d prefer you never see.”
“Then get to justifying why because so far it’s just making you sound very selfish and jealous, like you want them to yourself.”
He frowned but recovered pretty quickly.
“When I showed up at the house they had the pictures I’d given of me hanging up, but they had a lot of you too. Ones they had pulled off Twisted Metal’s website, from shows. There were pictures of you at parties with Tera, with guys, with girls, doing drugs. I asked where they came from and she told me you were over 18 and that they had just looked you up and found them. I really couldn’t say that any of them hadn’t come from online sources, so I set it aside. The uncle was interested in you mostly, but I really had nothing new to add.”
He took a sip of water and he must be getting close because he was hesitating. I just waited, shifted positions when needed.
“I was dating a girl at the time and her parents had been in a car wreck, when she called I took it because when I left her Dad was going into surgery. They were fine. But, I stepped outside and took her call. When I hung-up I just took a moment. I was headed back around when I heard the uncle talking. Are you sure you want to know this?”
“You’ve come this far, keep talking.”
“I stopped when I heard him I was under the window somewhere near the sofa, I could hear them clearly. He said I thought you killed those brats when they were little, to which Dad replied that family services came out before the brats died. I thought I was just confused on who they were talking about, so I kept listening. They were talking about us Ella. How much of a burden it was to raise two children, to feed and clothe and diaper and school supplies. When he asked why family services came out they told him they’d not read the school papers, I was supposed to be there and they thought I was out. The plan was once we were both dead they’d claim they left us with a sitter that must have left.”
I just stared at him because by the look on his face said he wasn’t just making this up to give me some reason.
“You saw them last year, you telling me you heard that and went back?”
“I haven’t seen them since that day.”
“You sent me baby pictures Shawn, when I was three months, five. No one could have gotten them but you and from them.”
“I got the pictures the last time I saw them. I overheard them talking and I went inside and asked. I mean, I just heard these people express their concern for you and I and here he is saying they wanted us to die? I asked, demanded they answer me. Honestly Ella, I wish I’d never even asked. It wasn’t him that told me it was her. She said that we were a hindrance to the lifestyle they wanted, that I was too much of a smart ass and you cried too much, that she wished she’d aborted us both when she had the chance. It was a combination of her idea and his, they knew we were already under weight but they felt that during Christmas break they could just let us die. They’d get high as fuck to drown out any noise we made.”
“That’s absurd Shawn, they wouldn’t have gotten away with that.”
“I said the same thing and he said they left, packed up bags and faked leaving, the plan was they’d come home and find us, call 911 and say they left us with a sitter who must have left. I thought the story was out there too but they were serious Ella. They fucked up on the week I got out, they were suppose to do it the next week. Which is why children services came in before we died.”
“That’s… They wanted to know us Shawn, they talked to you and asked about me. Why would they do that? Why would they even bother if they didn’t want us? Why not just give us up to begin with?”
“There drug addicts Ella. Come on, you and I both know that drug addicts don’t make great decisions all the time, in their drug addled minds us dying was better. It made me question things for real. Made me regret ever blaming you. I always thought that they loved us, it was just the drugs and they needed help. My therapist was quite shocked when I told her what I’d learned.”
I sat there quietly, Shawn wasn’t known to lie to me, sure he has and I’m sure there were times I’d never caught him but he seemed sincere and really, he seemed very adamant that he wanted me to have nothing to do with them.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. At the height of our argument he said that you’d always love them, it wouldn’t matter what I said because you knew I hated you. That you could make them a fortune and they wouldn’t need me to do that. The uncle asked if that was the cash cow they talked about, the little bitch they wanted to brainwash into painting for them. It all made sense to me then, had I brought you there odds are they would have done something to get you to stay or come to them. Julian made the right decision and come on Ella, Jacob was a bastard but not once did he want us dead.”
“He preferred his sexual experiences to be with warm bodies.”
“Even if you remove that Ella he didn’t want you dead.”
“What if they…”
I was going to say changed but really, I had no idea who they were to start with.
“Did you even try to verify it or get something besides them?”
“I felt bad after I left, I mean I told them I wished they were dead, that I’d never let you come anywhere near them, that I’d never tell you I ever saw them. I felt bad. But, I went to the neighborhood we lived in and talked to the neighbors that were still there. Some of them remember them making remarks about wishing we weren’t there, that we’d just leave. A few actually called children services but nothing was done because they were normal when they came out.”
I wasn’t sure how to take this, that resonating need to run like hell was getting stronger though. He finally moved right beside me.
“I’m sorry Ella. I wish they were like Julian and I wish I could make them be her. But, if what they said was true I can’t risk them hurting you or her. If they didn’t want us, why would they want to be part of her life? Yours? They made no attempts to fix or correct what they said. They admitted it to me.”
“Least you were right, telling Zac that would mean he’d prohibit it.”
I had no idea where the tears came from, I’d just blame them solely on the fact I was pregnant and everything seemed 10 times worse now. I’d cried over a broken finger nail last week, why not cry over the fact that they wanted us to die?! Shawn was at least comforting. He got more water and waited until I was calm.
I picked up the number and looked at it. My parents. The people who actually conceived, carried, and cared for me for 13 months. I finally ripped it up.
“Based on the pictures you sent me, your all I’ve ever needed. I didn’t need them then, I don’t need them now.”
“Why you have this look of wanting to run?”
“I kind of do. But, Sierra pointed out the last time I wanted to that it doesn’t do any good. So…I’m going to sit here.”
“You could work on my dragon. I think you forgot it.”
I smiled, he was patiently waiting on me for that and I got the one I’d been working on, which was still too big so I got to resize. He insisted on taking us to dinner that night when Zac did get home, so it was a nice afternoon. When he was gone I explained to Zac what he said. There was no need to hide it from him. He agreed with Shawn but he wasn’t very happy with the prior parts. I assured him he handled it well and sometime after nine we both went to bed.