Chapter 34: I look up to you
POV: Gabby
Word Count: 4254
July 29, 2009
We were at the studio by eight, by nine they were deep into recording and I was somewhat bored. I had finished the baby ones. I was in the process of determining what a client wanted from the website, they’d ask about a portrait style done of their children as Christmas presents, they shopped early but for something that custom it was good for me. They were wanting super specific for the framing aspect and they were sending me examples via e-mail. But, about 9:30 Detective Mabis called me.
“Good morning Detective.”
“Mrs. Hanson.” He said.
I still liked being called that sometimes, but not always.
“What can I do for you?”
“I need your e-mail address, I’m going to e-mail you the confession papers for validation.”
“Why not just drop them off?”
“The originals are evidence, they were all scanned into a adobe file and I can e-mail them.”
“Okay.”
I gave him my best e-mail, I could access it here with my laptop.
“What exactly do you want me to look for?”
“There are a lot of items related to you, just read over it. Also, we’d like you to determine if the confession sounds like Simon.”
“What do you mean?”
“Are the words something he would say, are they said the way he would say them. Everyone uses different phrasing and wording. We’re wondering if the confession was something he done himself either by telling them or by typing it himself or if he just blurted stuff out and the killer wrote it up.”
“Okay. When I finish I’ll reply by e-mail.”
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. Was there anything on that canvas?”
“Yes, your prints were found and the artist gallery owners. She said it was wrapped when she sent it out, so the girls wasn’t. We did find a partial print on the canvas itself but there having problems lifting it without ruining detailing.”
I thanked him and then checked, once the file was in my hands I opened it. I wasn’t entirely sure what I expected, Simon was a private person and he wouldn’t have written this on his own, it wasn’t his style. I began at the beginning which coincidentally had nothing to do with me. It was back long before we met, but I read it all anyway, because he’d told me a lot about his past. The wording seemed to be close to him here, phrases he used and nothing abnormal stood out. I came to the parts where he met Maxwell, trained him and just as Max told me he mentioned asking about me.
Maxwell wouldn’t tell me anything about Gabriella, just that she was a friend of his. This wouldn’t do. I spent a considerable amount of time hunting her down. I traced his phone but nothing, I traced his friends and contacts and it was Abigail’s phone that lead me to Gabriella. A random call from her band members phone to make sure she was okay and then I had James watch her for me, fucker wasn’t suppose to sleep with her! I kept tabs on Gabriella until June when she began dating Tammy’s brother, to whom I paid to date her, his sole reason was to get her to me.
Gabriella was a broken little child when I met her. She was addicted to cocaine and had began to tamper with heroin too, added she loved vodka. It wasn’t hard to see what she wanted to hear, what words and phrases just caused her to melt. Years of lack of affection, love, and attention put her in the perfect little position. Perfect person to have around, use, and be with.
Always knew about her sexual past, didn’t really have to ask Maxwell whom had to be cut off, because she was in love with him and he was adamant, she didn’t tell him no. I had to be patient with her because even while she was eating out of the palm of my hand she was volatile to run. But, after six months it was clear she was addicted to me. She didn’t just want me, she needed me.
I continued to read but it read like a story of our times, detailing the rapes and all kinds of abuse.
“Gabby?” Isaac asked.
I wiped my face off. “Yeah?”
“You okay?”
“Simon’s confession, Mabis e-mailed it to me.”
“Sure?”
“Yeah, hard to believe that all this happened.”
“Does it seem legit to you?”
“Yeah. There are some phrases I don’t recognize. But, it reads like him. I’m almost done.”
“Zac said you were picking up Chloe today?”
“Yeah. I sent Julian a message and told her to let her know to be ready about noon, lunch and then just hanging out. I also sent her a picture of the car, so she didn’t freak out.”
“Are you liking your new car?”
“Oh yeah, Zac wanted me to get a Toyota but Chase works for Ford and the Fusion was fuel efficient and large space in the back. The blue color was all Zac.”
“I figured.”
He headed back to the studio and I finished up my reading and sent an e-mail back to Mabis, overall it read like Simon, there however was some differences in words or phrases, mostly related to before and after me. I then got myself ready to go get her.
I was going to see how today went, I still wasn’t sure about this. Little sister? I was barely grasping the concept of being a mother and making decisions for this baby, yet they want me to be some role model also? Zac had encouraged the meeting so I’d set it up. Julian said she was happy to have the time and had canceled plans with friends.
Zac came to the front to say bye, I know he was kind of sketchy on me being alone. But, I couldn’t let some random dude run my life. I said bye and headed to Julian’s, arriving about ten minutes early. Julian wasn’t home but Chloe was waiting on the porch so she came right to the car.
“Hey Gabriella. I like this color. Julian said you had a new car.”
“Yeah, unfortunately his car is too small for the car seat.”
She smiled. “Congratulations on the baby, I know I posted on the forums and stuff but little different in person.”
“Thank you.”
She got in, settled and put her seat belt on.
“Do you have a preference for lunch?” I asked.
“Is Hey Mambo’s okay? Pizza sounds nice.”
“It is.”
The drive there was quiet, we discussed what kind we wanted and ordered and then it got a little quiet. I was not good at this.
“How are you and the baby? Zac doesn’t really say much on social media about you or the baby.”
“He’s um, wanting to keep things a little private. Baby is fine, kicking my kidney right now, probably telling me to eat. I’ll be glad when they bring that salad. I’m okay.”
“My mom often told me about when she was pregnant with my brother and I. She said I liked her bladder he liked her kidneys.”
“This one likes both, my bladder at night and my kidney in the day time.”
“Julian said you were 20 weeks now, do you know if you’re having a boy or girl?”
“We had the appointment last week, but Abby is doing a gender reveal party for everyone so the only other person outside the doctor that knows is the baker.”
“You want to look though?”
“Oh god, so bad. I thought I was okay waiting a few more weeks but that envelope is just dying to be opened.”
She smiled. “Why not just open it?”
“Zac’s been very patient and hasn’t even tried to open it. If he can wait, I can. But, he is convinced we’re having a boy.”
“Most men are I think.”
The salads came and it provided a brief break not that this little baby moved much. The pizza arrived and of course it was quiet as we inhaled lunch, I was shocked she ate like me. We didn’t finish the whole pizza, so we got a box to go and then headed to Woodward park, the weather was a little warm but not unbearable. I let her chose a spot where we sat down.
“You may have to help me up.”
“I won’t mind.”
“You chose a beautiful spot though, good view of the garden area and good view of the property in general.”
“I come here sometimes with my friends to study. It’s the perfect spot because the traffic noise is diluted and you hear nature more. We sometimes sit in the rose garden too but we don’t want to be in the way.”
“I didn’t really come here much until I met Zac. Lived here so long and never bothered with places like this.”
“Julian didn’t say much about you, just that you didn’t have a normal childhood.”
“No. Mine was anything but normal.”
“Sometimes I wish mine wasn’t as...normal. Aside from my parents divorcing and splitting time it was pretty boring.”
“Boring can be good.”
“Not really. Some of my friends go out and party on the weekends and have these amazing stories to share, posting pictures of themselves with others, drinking and have a fun time. Meanwhile I’m stuck at home watching movies.”
“I think I would have rather have your boring teenage years.”
“Really? Didn’t you party and have a good time when you were my age?”
I smiled. “Let’s just assume it’s a conversation that you never repeat to your friends. I did go to a lot of parties when I was your age, trying to drown the pain of my first love just walking out of my life. Parties aren’t everything Chloe.”
“It has to be better than just boring me.”
“Why do you want to go to these parties?”
“Are you kidding? I want stories and pictures and just fun. I know there are drugs there and booze. But, I don’t have to do that.”
“Believe me, the people there will expect you to. When you don’t, they won’t hang out with you. I tried that at first, I’ll just go and I’ll be fine. I won’t drink, I won’t do drugs. Realized really quick you can be an outsider even at a party. Soon as you pick up that cup, everyone’s dying to meet you.”
“Is that what happen with you?”
“Yeah. Outsider and I was dying to be accepted by someone. I didn’t care who. Okay, I’ll drink. I can control that. The problem is there is no control because you want to fit in. I woke up the next morning in a strange bed with a strange guy, one I clearly slept with. Never even remembered going up the steps. I honestly don’t know if I even said yes.”
“Just once, I mean that’s not good.”
“Didn’t happen just once Chloe. I go back, I swear I’ll just drink a few to feel buzzed. Each time I said it, I went way over. Sometimes I made it back home, I’m sure Abby had something to do with that. Usually I woke up in a strange house with people all around me. Sometimes I was dressed, sometimes not. When the drinking didn’t seem to impress them, it never does long, they start putting drugs in front of you. You’re not cool unless you do this.”
“I wanted to try cocaine once.”
“No you don’t, trust me there.”
“Is it bad?”
“Being addicted to a drug is horrible. You constantly want that. It feels amazing at first, that first high is so nice and so good. But, to achieve the next one you need more. One line isn’t enough, then two isn’t. Then once a week isn’t enough, you become dependent on whether you can get it.”
“It’s not dangerous is it?”
“Yes. It’s very dangerous. I sat beside my boyfriends bed when he overdosed, prayed he wouldn’t die. Next time your around Zac, ask him what it feels like to watch someone you totally love laying there.”
“He’s been there?”
“With me, after the tour I wasn’t really good mentally. The constant barrage from the fans, the miscarriage, the rumors about him cheating, the New York baby rumor..I was home alone and a friend slid edited pictures under the door. I saw them and ran. I went to one of those friends that I thought would help. I hadn’t touched cocaine in three years and I did two lines. That feeling of not having problems, but then the loneliness set in. The wanting someone to care, I kept on and on. Waiting for them to stop me. They didn’t. I got lucky that James called Sierra who called the paramedics. I overdosed, spent a little bit at the ER. It’s not worth it Chloe.”
“Everyone says it’s so nice.”
“They told me the same thing. What do your other friends do?”
“Boring stuff, movies and parks, skating.”
“So, let me ask this…when you have a spouse and children, do you want to be able to tell them about your childhood?”
“Of course. I loved hearing about my parents and even Julian’s.”
“What would you rather tell them that you had this awesome skate party and busted your ass on the floor or that you went to some party and woke up naked with some man?”
“Skate party.”
“I don’t have many stories that I can share with this baby. Not many that I feel would set an example to him or her. I know you want excitement, but drugs and booze won’t provide that. You want stories you are proud to talk about. Not ones that make you feel ashamed.”
“Surely there are a few that you could share.”
“There are a few, I mean Newton made sure I had clean fun too. But, between him and Zac there isn’t much I’d share. I could legit share how his or her daddy was an asshole before he met me.”
She laughed. “Was he really that bad?”
“Oh yeah.”
“Are you ashamed of being with Sierra in a more sexual manner?”
That was a question straight from left field and way out there, I didn’t expect her to ask that!
“I’m ashamed of a lot of my sexual partners, but not her. I’d never be ashamed of her.”
“She addressed the pictures but you never did.”
“Well, what was I going to say that she didn’t? We had a sexual relationship when we were younger and while there was something there we chose different paths. By the time we reconnected I was married. It don’t regret them but I didn’t feel like I needed to justify my actions.”
If I thought that question was from left field, the next one had to come from so far out there I didn’t even register she’d asked it at first.
“Gabriella?”
“I think I misunderstood that question.”
“I asked what it was like to be with a girl, sexually. You didn’t misunderstand me. Sorry if I crossed a line there.”
“No..It’s just, no one ever asks me questions like that. Well, besides Zac. I personally don’t find much difference between sex with men and women. Obviously, women can’t have traditional intercourse. Beyond that, it’s basically the same.”
“What about relationship wise?”
“I can’t answer that question, I never had a relationship with a woman. Sierra and I were close but we didn’t have a relationship. Why are you asking?”
Which, was my fault actually, I never gave her the chance to show me what it could be like with her. Not that I could turn back time now. I waited for her answer and she fiddled with the edge of the shirt for several moments.
“I’ve noticed that at times I find women attractive and I wonder sometimes what it’s like to be with them romantically. I don’t really have anyone that I know who can answer those questions. Julian probably would try to, but my actual parents I don’t think would try.”
“Can’t say how much good I’ll be.”
“Well, you have been with women and men.”
“That is true.”
“I feel like I can look up to you as a sister, but Julian was frank with me after you and Zac left last time. She pointed out that while in a legal sense we’re related because she did officially adopt you that it might be something you and Shawn don’t accept. I just don’t have a lot of people that are close to my age to talk to and ask questions too.”
I didn’t understand it anymore now than I had when Stella mentioned it to me.
“I’m not someone you need to look up to Chloe. Believe me, there are far better roles models than me. Stella would be awesome actually.”
“Why shouldn’t I look up to you?”
“I’m not that good of a person Chloe. I have a shitty past and I don’t think I need to influence any of your decisions when it comes to sex or relationships. I suck at those.”
She genuinely looked confused which of course confused me, I had said why. What was there to be confused on?
“I don’t know your past. Julian refused to tell me anything about events that occurred, so aside from what you’ve told me I don’t have a clue. Obviously you’ve done drugs and drank, you’ve said you didn’t have stories you’d tell. However, I don’t look up to you because of that.”
“Then why do you? Because I can’t imagine a reason why I qualify as any type of role model to anyone not even my own child.”
“You wouldn’t want your child to be smart? Determined? Strong? When you met Zac you had no idea about him. You handled the fans very well, despite how mean they were. You believed in Zac, despite what fans said. You’ve been determined to make your career work, you’ve done stuff for Debbie and you have your own website now.”
“I didn’t handle the fans well Chloe. I didn’t handle the rumors of him cheating or the pictures well. I wouldn’t be drawing if it weren’t for Zac and Shawn.”
“You are not giving yourself enough credit Gabriella. I see it. You may have gained confidence from Zac and Shawn to draw but they don’t draw for you, they don’t use you to create those images. That is all you. I didn’t expect you to be someone I could be close to, but I looked up to you before I even knew Julian was your mother.”
That totally just confused me more and made sense.
“Why before? I was anything but role model before. There is a lot you don’t know.”
“Then tell me.”
I blinked, there were very few people that knew the entire story, very few that had facts and not fictional statements. I wasn’t entirely sure I could trust her not to tell the world the facts that didn’t need to be seen. Yet, if I was going to dissuade her into thinking I was some saint then why not tell her? So for an hour I filled her in on everything. She wanted a role model, she wanted a big sister to look up to. Then she needed to know the downs as well. There were things I left out, such as the times between Newton and Simon, because I really couldn’t remember the number of men I slept with. She sat patiently and listened, only interrupting to clarify something. When I was done she seem to be reconsidering her position.
She finally sat up and prepared her statement. Which, ended up being nothing like I thought.
“I still see you as a role model. You went through a lot with Jacob, Max, and Simon. But you’re still standing here today. Did you always make good decisions? No. Obviously you regret them and wish you could change them, that shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and work to improve them. Do you regret some sexual partners? Yes, but I imagine that a lot of people do. I imagine Zac regrets some of his too. You came out of that as a stronger woman, someone with determination not to fall back into that life style. Come on, you have to see that in yourself. Abby made you see it, but you made it happen.”
“I don’t see that.”
“Of course not, you see what you believe. Gabby, I don’t see you as a whore or a slut, I don’t see you as weak or incapable of making good decisions. You made the decision to not follow your friends and stay with Zac. Look where you are now. You have a career that you love to do, you have a new home and your friends are real ones. You’re about to me a mother to be a baby that I am sure is going to be absolutely gorgeous, especially if he or she takes after you. You give me one damn good reason why I shouldn’t look up to you.”
I really wanted to have a reason but everyone I named off, bad decisions or questionable ones, she negated them with something I’d done more recently to prove that I’d done better. Multiple partners? Nope, I’d been faithful to my boyfriends and especially Zac. Bad decisions? She actually gave me far worse scenarios and examples. I really had no reasons.
“You will just have to deal with being my big sister, even if you never consider me a sister.”
I sighed. “I suppose that I’m never going to convince you otherwise?”
“Nope. I want to be like you now. Strong, determined, faithful, a career and a family. How you got here is irrelevant.”
My phone went off and I checked, it was Zac.
You got a package and I opened it. It was a white owl, looked a bit mean. There was no note this time, just the owl. Mabis came and got it and the box. It was postal mailed from OKC. Just wanted you to know and Ike is bringing me home, so head there when you’re done.
No note at all? That’s odd for this person, but we’re at Woodward park. Thanks for telling me and I should be home for dinner.
Ok. ;- ) love you.
:- ) love you too.
He had included a picture of the owl, sure did look mean to me. We stayed another hour before I took her home, I wasn’t entirely certain that I didn’t want to at least know her better. I made it home about 5, Zac wasn’t home yet so I parked in the garage and used that door to get inside. But, something felt off inside.
“Zac?” I called.
I stood there quietly listening, the house smelled differently to me, I liked the sweet smell of vanilla and the odor was musky and strong. I laid my wallet and the keys on the counter, went through to the front.
“Zac?” I called up-stairs.
I got no response so I called him.
“Hey baby, we’re almost there.”
“Can you hurry?”
“Everything okay?”
“I don’t…”
I swear I heard the floorboards up-stairs move.
“Gabby?”
“Where are you exactly?”
I started backing up toward the kitchen, slowly.
“Pulling into the driveway now. I’ll be there in a moment.”
I went back out the garage door and out the garage door, waiting for them. I explained how I felt and they went inside, leaving me standing on the porch. They came outside after ten minutes.
“No one is here. The alarm was off though, did you turn it off?”
“No. Did you turn it on this morning?”
“Yes.”
We went inside and went through the house again and it was the second time through the kitchen that I noticed it. A folded sheet of paper laying on the counter with a small owl shaped keychain.
“Zac.”
He turned and I pointed.
“Don’t touch it.”
He called Mabis, but Meyers showed up, apparently Mabis was off or something. He unfolded the paper there.
I’ll be watching you…dreaming about you…loving you…He doesn’t deserve you, I do.
“Any idea how he got inside?” he asked.
“No. I smelled this musky odor when I came in and it’s not a common smell. I like Vanilla and so does he. I started up-stairs but I thought I heard the floor squeak and by then Zac was on the phone telling me he wasn’t here yet. I went back out the garage door which was locked.”
“Did you noticed anything different in the house?”
“I haven’t been up-stairs.”
Zac was fiddling with his shirt and he finally sighed. “The nursery.”
“What about it?”
“The items have been moved from the last time we were in there. I’ll be checking the bolts and things before we use them. But, they were moved. I didn’t notice any prints on the items as they were wiped down the next day.”
He went up and checked and then left but I wasn’t staying, I called Sierra and requested a room at Heather’s, which she met us there with dinner. But, we didn’t explain anything to her, just that we felt like someone was there. Zac was tired enough that sleep came to him quickly, but I tossed and turned most of the night. Different bed, different house.