Chapter 28: What If…

POV: Gabby

Word Count: 4161

July 1, 2009

Seventeen weeks, five days. With each passing week and each day marked off the calendar it meant less of a risk of miscarriage. By now the doctor was certain the chance was basically zero.

I should be bouncing and excited but the recent pictures of Simon, whom they had confirmed the blood was his and the amount said he was dead even without a body. It made me question those items much more, Simon had been certain it wasn’t him. Certain he hadn’t killed Max. If it wasn’t Simon, then who was it?

I’d not stayed at home alone even with the alarm system because I didn’t feel like that was the safest place. I wasn’t telling Zac but it just didn’t feel like home, it felt comfortable and cozy, but not like the apartment did. But, I also knew that we couldn’t return there. Instead I spent long hours working on paintings, the current one was a commission from the Brooks. They’d sent me some of the professional pictures of their triplets and asked me to do a drawing of each child, with a border and their first and middle names, I’d gotten the request Monday and we’d actually gone to see them yesterday. Adorable little babies.

So, I was somewhere between my normal area by the control room, to the studio, to the control room, or kitchen. I couldn’t remain in one spot for hours now, everything would cramp and hurt so I had to move often. I was definitely showing now, the evident little area was not fat, even if I felt like eating all the time. I believe I was feeling the baby move, but it could have been gas or heartburn, Diana said it was possible but she couldn’t describe what it felt like.

I was wearing those maternity items anytime someone was around, but here at the studio I was favoring either my pajamas or dresses, I’d bought a few just really thin, really loose ones. Even if Zac would come through sometimes, rub the belly and talk to the baby. Even Taylor had and Isaac had once. They better be glad I liked them.

“You look lost.” Isaac said.

“Wondering where I can move to actually, my back is aching.”

“Maybe you should lie down awhile, rest is good too.”

“Yeah. What are you guys doing? I am hearing drums and if Zac is playing I’m beating all three of you.”

“Zac is playing the piano, Taylor is on drums. We’re doing some guide vocals for Me, Myself and I.”

“Want me to order lunch somewhere?”

“Is it nearing that time?”

“See, here’s the problem with pregnant me, lunch is anytime I get hungry and lately that’s all the damn time.”

He laughed. “So…it’s not lunch time but you’re hungry.”

I smiled. “Now you’re catching on.”

“Want me to go get something?”

“Shouldn’t Zac do that?”

“Yeah, but I’ll call it practice?”

I giggled. “I really don’t want much just a chicken salad from Caz’s.”

“Anything else?”

“Nope. Well, if you want to get like two then I’ll have one for lunch.”

He giggled and left, while he was gone I walked around the room, stretching until Taylor poked his head in.

“Where the hell is Ike?”

“Caz’s.”

“What? It’s not even ten.”

“He went for me Tay. He should be back in like ten, I just wanted chicken salad.”

“Okay, send him out way.”

“I will.”

He vanished and it wasn’t long before Ike returned with several bags.

“I went ahead and ordered stuff for us, no fries as they’ll suck heated up.”

I didn’t care what he had, I attacked the salad. Breakfast had been some boiled eggs and toast, that wasn’t going to cut it. He went back to the back and I finished about ½ the salad and then sat it aside. The problem with not telling anyone you’re pregnant is that when you needed to just talk you had limited people to talk to.

I was so certain when they told me I was pregnant that I’d miscarry that I hadn’t really considered any other options, such as full term delivery. I didn’t worry about any what if’s because in the back of my mind I was going to miscarry anyway, so they didn’t matter.

Yet, here I was nearly 18 weeks with a near zero percentage of miscarriage and tons of time to think. I still wasn’t mentally where I wanted to be, we’d told Dr. Cortez and I still saw her but we couldn’t really attack very tough subjects because I couldn’t be that upset. So, the what if’s plagued my thoughts. What if I failed? What if this child got hurt? What if I did something wrong during the pregnancy? The endless options just nagged and eventually they lead to Simon and that gun.

What if his shot had killed Zac? What if that shot had been spinal and disabled him permanently? How would I make it with him gone? Disabled really wasn’t a problem I’d stay for sure but the idea that he could have died was overwhelming. I really didn’t think I would be able to do this alone.

Added, I was doing the question of my own actions, I wanted nothing but junk food. Ordering something that wasn’t heavily fried, overly sauced, or super hot wasn’t always easy. But, hot foods caused severe heartburn so, I was avoiding anything hot. Resisting the urge to binge eat candy and chips were hard because it was the guys favorite thing. They kept Dr. Pepper, Mt. Dew, and other sodas in the fridge and yet I had my three bottles of water to drink a day. It was like a bad diet, instead of losing weight you gain.

There was also a nagging question about who I was because I knew nothing about where I was born or who they were. Shawn didn’t really remember much about them beyond they were drug addicts and didn’t care. I didn’t even remember what they looked liked.

Because Isaac had a point I moved around the studio, aimlessly walking and considering the what if’s, wishing I could call Abby and tell her to make me feel better without telling her the reason! Eventually though about noon, when they calmed down I called Julian.

“Hey honey, how are you?”

“I’m good, the guys are eating lunch and I just…I need to ask something.”

“Okay, I’m going to assume this is not something we should do over the phone. Do you want to come here or would you like to meet me somewhere?”

“I can meet you.”

“Olive Garden on South Utica.”

Yay! Bunch of unhealthy choices. “That works. Now good?”

“Yep.”

I hung-up and went to find Zac who had the keys and explained.

“Be careful and if you see anyone strange call me and I’ll have one of them bring me to you.”

“Okay.”

I kissed him and then headed to the restaurant, thankfully she was there waiting on me.

“Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you in a dress.”

“You have, you bought a few I just rarely wore them.”

“I like this look.”

We went inside and we were seated quickly in the back, thankfully. I guess the waiter was reading my mind. She ordered a wine.

“Water and a sweet tea please.”

I let her take my wine glass because I couldn’t drink any of it. “Do you not want wine?”

Julian didn’t know but she technically was family.

“I uh…can’t drink it right now.”

“Oh? Medical problem?”

“Baby problem. I’m pregnant. Almost eighteen weeks.”

She looked completely shocked. “Wow..I uh..didn’t suspect that.”

“We’ve not told a lot of people really, we were telling the family and friends over the weekend, Chloe will know Monday.”

“Yeah, no wine for you then.”

The waiter returned and I ordered the soup and salad, they had a vegetable soup that sounded good and it wasn’t a ton of pasta and sauce.

“So, what problem are you having?”

“Lot of what if’s, what could have. With Zac being shot and other things, I didn’t expect to actually make it this far. I was almost positive I was going to miscarry. But, I can’t see that happening now.”

“Eighteen weeks is far, almost half-way, does explain that dress too. I’ll assume you are showing some?”

“Oh yeah.”

She smiled. “I never saw you even having kids. You weren’t keen on them when you were younger.”

“Honestly, I didn’t until I miscarried, then I couldn’t get it out of my head.”

She nodded. “I understand. When the doctor told me I’d never have a child it was very hard to accept. I’d wanted children pretty much since I was old enough to know how they were made. Tried for years with my first husband, he cheated and got a girl pregnant. That was my light bulb, so I got checked. Jacob understood said we should adopt.”

“But you went after older children.”

“Honestly, I was terrified that if I went too young they’d be devastated when they got older and learned they were adopted. We aimed for older because while you were young, you understood that we weren’t your real parents.”

“Yeah, I think I always knew because we weren’t there long.”

“Shawn still struggles with leaving.”

“You found him, why didn’t you tell me?”

She paused as the waiter brought the salads and breadsticks, god those smelled good. She also had my first bowl of soup and I ordered a second, knowing I’d be fine. Julian just smiled.

“Shawn was angry and mad. He didn’t understand why I even tried to find him. When he told me he left because of you, I was so confused because you two were like glued to each other. But he briefly explained and then asked me not to tell you. I regret not telling you but I know if I had, I would have lied to you.”

“Because you saw me spiraling down.”

“I did and I always attributed that to him leaving, Jacob always told me you missed him, so I associated your behavior to Shawn, when I shouldn’t have done that.”

“You got the police report and stuff…Do you know anything about them?”

She divided the salad, picked out the olives to give to me and considered her reply.

“Beyond what the police report said, there were a few detectives and officers I spoke to. They described them as habitual drunks, avid drug users, uncaring, unsupportive, and lazy. They spoke of the lack of diapers at the house, there wasn’t much concerning food and apparently Shawn had shared with you everything he fixed or got. He literally saved your life those three days. While you both were under weight, if he hadn’t tried then you’d have probably died.”

I hadn’t gathered it was that bad. I didn’t reply to that and she had a few bites of the salad.

“From what I understood they didn’t really care about either of you. But, they got welfare checks, food stamps, and tax returns because of you both. They weren’t willing to give that up so either of you could have a better life. We chose you and Shawn because while the other kids had just as sad of stories, drug abusing parents, abusive parents, the stories were always sad. But, when we spoke to you and Shawn you were so smart with us, answering questions and while Shawn was apprehensive he often protected you then. We wanted you both to have a chance at this kind of life. I was afraid you’d end up a victim of the system, reality is if Shawn had left when you were in foster care, you’d have probably done far worse. You at least had Abby and I for support.”

“That was true and then Max. Did they ever tell you where I was born?”

“Baxter Springs, Kansas. It’s right on the border nearly two hours away. We were living up there when the adoption was finished, but moved right after that. You guys never went to the house there, because they knew we were moving. They approved us right before the move.”

“Was Shawn born there too?”

“Yep. Same hospital.”

It grew quiet as we dove into our salads and my soup, her entrée came too and we were just eating.

“Did I ever ask to meet them?”

“No. You didn’t seem to really remember anything about them. Shawn tried a few times to tell you what he knew, which wasn’t much either.”

“I think I got lucky when you took us home.”

“How so? Honey he would have never hurt you if we hadn’t.”

“Wouldn’t be having lunch here with you if we didn’t.”

She smiled. “So, about this little secret. Any preferences?”

“I really don’t but he’s convinced it’s a boy.”

She smiled. “He could be right. Any idea for names?”

“Not a one.”

She giggled. “It’ll come to you. Artwork going well?”

“Yeah, Heather’s friend is setting up a website for me now actually, she wants to create something professional and easy to update with the ability to sell also. So, I can do some completed ones and sell direct without Debbie.”

“That’s is an awesome idea. Zac doing okay?”

“He won’t be if that doctor doesn’t clear him, I know fully understand his feelings when I was unable to do anything.”

She giggled. “Pregnancy hormones and sex are apparently no joke. But, he is improving?”

“Yes. The exit area on his back is actually healed, which the doctor said would probably happen. The front entrance is looking very good also. He’s been following the directions and doing little things to help strengthen the muscles again. There recording now but Taylor is playing drums because Zac can’t right now.”

“It’s good he’s healing.”

I didn’t want to ruin our meal with talk of Simon’s death because well, the thought made me a little sick and I didn’t need to be sick nor did I want her to be sick. Lunch went very well and we were just sitting there, I was snacking on the bread left and my tea.

“You seem down.” She said.

“I made so many bad decisions, what if I do the same and the consequences doesn’t affect me but our child?”

“What do you mean?”

“Simon, Max, leaving, not going to college, not bothering to pursue anything myself. Dr. Cortez is helping but just..the what if’s. What if I’m not a good mom? What if I’m like mine?”

“Gabriella, you will never be like her. For starters you aren’t drinking right now, you aren’t doing drugs and you have been clean a while. I am sure Zac will never let you be like her. He will be there to help you and protect you and the baby.”

“It’s like no matter what someone says I can’t get past it. I listen, I hear the words, but I can’t believe them.”

“I can’t tell you what having a newborn is like, even my grandson wasn’t near when he was that young. He was, but we weren’t there all the time. But, every mother fears they’ll be bad. When we applied for adoption papers I was terrified. I was afraid of little babies, afraid of teens. Even when we brought you home I had doubts. What if I upset you and couldn’t calm you down? What if I fixed something you hated? There are always what if’s, but come on you have his brothers and their wives, his family, your friends, and you have me and Shawn. None of us are going to let you be like them. We’ll tell you if you need to change something.”

“Promise?”

“Promise. It’s just first time mom blues. I’m betting if you spoke to Diana she’d tell you the same thing, I imagine with Isaac she was terrified too.”

“I have no idea, I just felt weird always asking her.”

“Don’t ever feel weird asking someone a question, this is your first and you shouldn’t feel bad about asking.”

“I think I can feel him move, but I’m not sure if it’s gas, heartburn, acid reflux or baby.”

She giggled. “Could be any of those. Pretty sure soon you’ll be feeling him move around.”

We talked for a while before we separated, but when I got to the car I paused.

“Julian.”

She paused and came over. “What’s up?”

“Did you put that in the seat?”

She looked in. “No.”

I stopped her from touching the door, called Mabis myself and Detective Myers showed up with a technician as well.

“Gabriella?” Julian asked.

While they checked the car I explained to her what was going on. But, they found no prints on the door, not even mine. In the seat was a stuffed teddy bear in a cheerleader’s costume, there was no note or anything else. Julian left to go home when she was positive everything was fine and Detective Myers followed me to the studio at my request. Once I was parked he left but I knew something was wrong when I opened the door, because I could hear them screaming at one another.

I closed the door and listened, sounded like Zac was accusing Taylor of not listening to his drumming advice, while Taylor was pissed he kept telling him how to play to start with, and then Isaac was just fed up with them both. This wasn’t the first time I’d heard or witnessed such arguments. I walked to the back and sure enough this was apparently the mid-point, but I also know that Zac and Taylor liked to swing at times and right now Taylor wouldn’t think about not hitting him.

I picked up the drum stick and just slammed it down on the cymbol, which stunned Taylor as he was closer but it shut them all up quickly.

“Well, that was better than screaming. What the hell guys? I could hear you up in the front.”

“Zac keeps telling me how to play the drums, like I don’t know how.”

“Like you aren’t bitching about me playing the keys wrong, I know how to play them too.” Zac snapped.

“Neither of you need to be complaining!” Isaac said.

“I think we need to just take the rest of the day off.”

“Why?” Isaac asked.

“Because if they keep on right now then someone will swing and do you really want me to go atomic on the one that hits Zac? Because when I’m done beating your ass then the other brother will because then you’ll just be set back even more. So, you’re done for the day.”

None of them said anything because they know it was bound to happen.

“Did you have a good lunch?” Taylor asked.

“Yeah, until I found a fucking teddy bear in the seat. Whoever’s sending the stupid little fucking things is not Simon.”

“Not Damien, Scarlet or Ash?” Zac asked.

“Maybe, but Simon isn’t behind it because he’s dead. Now, round up and let’s get out of here.”

I left the room to go get the drawing tablets and pictures and stuff. But when I turned Zac was leaned against the door jam, arms crossed and this I know look on his face. But he got the few things he had and I even let him drive. When we got home we went inside and I got the drawings put up and we sat down.

“Want to tell me what’s wrong now?”

“Only when you do, you know damn well Taylor can play the drums. So, why did you tell him he couldn’t?”

“It didn’t sound right.”

I tilted my head and just waited and he signed.

“I just…stress. He really wasn’t that bad, but it wasn’t Zac quality.”

“Stress?”

He just looked at me. “It’s been over a month and while pleasing you is gratifying for me too, it’s not the same as sex. I also know that violating that order could mean longer and I don’t want to do that.”

“But that’s not all, come on Zac you’ve gone longer than that and you didn’t try to kill them.”

He fiddled with the shirt until I got his hands. “I’m here, talk to me. It’s what we’re suppose to do.”

“Yet you met Julian instead of talking to me?”

“I had questions about my parents, you can’t answer those Zac. I was worried that I’d be like her.”

“I’d never let you be like her.”

“It’s what Julian said too. So, what are you worried about?”

“Everything? I know our percentages are way down near zero, I think his exact number was like point five percent. But, Mom carried Elizabeth until she was six months and everything was fine until they went in and there wasn’t a heartbeat and they couldn’t find one. I don’t think that’s going to happen, but I worry about that. I worry about all those what if’s, Simon didn’t kill me but what if he had? What if he had killed you or hurt you? It’s a lot.”

I giggled. “Same things I was worried about. But, I just…you know where you came from and I don’t. I just know who I am now. By the way, I was born in Baxter Springs Kansas. I was moved to Tulsa when Julian and Jacob came. I remember a road trip but not why. I also told her about the pregnancy, she ordered wine.”

“So, what about the bear bothered you?”

“The bear had a cheerleader outfit on.”

“Does that mean anything to you?”

“Jacob liked cheerleaders and often told me I should try out. He chose the costume one year for Halloween when I was younger and that’s what he chose. There was no note, nothing else but the door was wiped clean. Not even my prints were there. But, Jacob’s been in jail most of the year. I don’t see how the other items could be related. Added, why would he come after me now?”

“I don’t think he would.”

“It could be him or someone else, I just it was unsettling and I just wanted home. Kind of glad you guys were arguing.”

“See, I did a good thing.”

“Yeah, but you still have to apologize to Tay.”

“So, we’re home. What do we do?”

“We could write a list of what we could use for the baby. I’m sure Abby will do a shower so…I could create a registry with like Walmart and babies R us.”

“But what if…”

I laid my finger over his lips. “If I can’t believe that this pregnancy won’t end happily, then you can’t believe that either. This baby will be born healthy and happy. We cannot wait until that moment to prepare.”

“But…”

“I’m not your mom Zac. I’m a lot younger than she was when she got pregnant with Elizabeth. The doctor is not showing any concerns over the health of me or the baby. If something happens, then we can donate whatever we get to someone who can use it. But, we can’t wait until birth to buy clothes, diapers, and other things.”

He sighed heavily and then got his laptop. “Lead the way.”

It was really different to see the number of items available to buy. It was harder because Zac kept choosing boy items and we didn’t know if the baby was a boy! Reeling him in was hard, choosing some theme or pattern was near impossible. I did add a bunch of normal things like diapers, wipes, some towels and washcloths.

“You didn’t chose any bottles…”

“I uh…was going to talk to Sarah about breastfeeding actually. I did casually when they were here but nothing in depth.”

“Are you considering that?”

“Yeah. I’m not sure if I can and I want to talk to the doctor too.”

He smiled. “I’m sure you can.”

“I had to go buy another bra. I’m at one.”

“Yeah, I’ve noticed but trying not to stare for obvious reasons.”

“Couple more weeks, then you’re free.”

“Okay, so what do you want for dinner? You’ve been cooking it’s my turn.”

“I have a whole salad…shit. I left it at the studio but that’s fine it’ll be tomorrow’s lunch. Anything you want to fix as long as it’s not heavily fried.”

He left me with the laptop looking at different items, which I did add like the baby bath tub, a swing, and a bouncer in designs I thought would work well for either sex. He ended up fixing chicken with mixed vegetables, which he’d baked the chicken. It was delicious and afterwards we found something to watch. We then headed to bed at a reasonable time for us, I was finding that nude sleeping was key to sleeping. Along with a little bit more propped up head. It was back to the grind tomorrow…