Chapter 17: I can’t…
POV: Gabby
Word Count: 3147
May 14, 2009
It was another early morning but at least the sun was up before we left. We were headed to the Little Tulsa Theatre, where the Hanson day sessions would be held. I had considered staying at the apartment alone, I had Monday but I’d heard something outside the door and found another package, a cute little sea turtle with a pair of red thongs and another note. The note said: Words fall short whenever I want to tell you how special you are to me, but all I can say is, that my world is full of smiles whenever I think of you.
It sounded sweet but it was another package that was just left and it just didn’t feel right, so while I knew there was little I could do I went with him anyway. The first part of the morning was mostly me sitting in the audience watching them plan the area out. Because they were recording they needed to make sure they places microphones right, instruments, and the such.
“You look really bored.” He said.
I turned and smiled. “What are you doing here Shawn?”
“Guys said they needed some help. I told them I’d never been part of this, Hanson day thing, and I wanted to see what it was about.”
“Right now, just planning.”
He smiled and sat down beside me. “Abby told me you woke up screaming Sunday morning and that Sierra said you’d woken up Saturday too. Yet, Zac didn’t mention it.”
“Just bad dreams. I’m not immune to those.”
But as I’d laid there in bed thinking about the day I realized just how open I’d been, there hadn’t been many areas that I didn’t have a hand raised and the youngest one there, they’d all waited two extra years and by then I’d done most everything they asked. I wouldn’t tell him about the one yesterday either.
“No, but there is this message and package too. What’s going on Ella?”
“We think Simon is sending them.”
“You don’t really sound like you believe that.”
“I don’t know Shawn. Simon was possessive, controlling, and a complete dick. He bought me things the first like two months, once he got me in that cage he just stopped. He didn’t buy birthday gifts, Christmas, Valentines, he didn’t buy flowers or candy. Basically he didn’t buy anything unless it was required or absolutely needed.”
“He just didn’t want too?”
“He was cheap. The house he bought cheap and he would fix it if it broke but he bought stuff at flea markets, discount stores. The only thing where he didn’t skimp was kitchen things. He wanted gourmet type meals and he understood that required good cookware, good stoves, but he didn’t just buy things.”
“So, what is being sent to you?”
I showed him pictures of the figurines and the notes.
“I checked Shawn, the little turtle is like a hundred bucks alone. The pink heart teddy bear, was over a hundred. I don’t see Simon buying these things for me and then the thongs that were sent are expensive brands and there not cheap. That just…it doesn’t feel like Simon. Even though he’s the only one it can be.”
“Could he be trying some kind of false sense of security? Like I’m changing I’ll do this just come back?”
“Maybe, I guess it’s possible. I just…I don’t know. It doesn’t feel right. He killed Max because he couldn’t get me, he hasn’t sent anyone else in months. I just…”
His arm came around my back and I laid my head over. Even though the dreams were not about Simon, they were about not being able to save a baby, my baby.
“Hey Shawn, do you ever regret the things you did?”
“When it comes to you or something else?”
“Not me, I know you do there. I mean like…your first time, the first girlfriend, things like that.”
“That’s tough, I was pretty young my first time.”
“You weren’t fourteen.”
“I was actually younger, I was thirteen. She was much older.”
“You were thirteen?”
“Yes. Do I regret that? Yes. I wish I’d waited a lot longer.”
“What about anything else?”
“I have things I regret Ella. Everyone does.”
“Do you ever think those things will come back and cause bad things to happen?”
“No. Why? Do you think you being fourteen is going to cause problems?”
“No. I think just everything I done. The multiple partners, bad decisions. It’s what landed me in the hospital last year.”
“I felt his lips against my forehead. “That is not what landed you there. I know the doctor didn’t give you any reason and that deep down it hurts to not know. But, I’m betting that the appendix and stress of the tour and the fans and just everything is the reason. Your past has helped shape who you are. You are a strong woman that withstood a lot, you thrived outside that house. I know you did things you regret, but those things helped you get to where you are now.”
I started to argue with him on that but he turned to me.
“What you did and done from the time you left until you met Zachary was just the past, it was priming you to know what you want, to know that you deserve a man that will love you. A man that will do anything for you. I can’t make you believe that, no one can. Now…I just seen his Dad walk in with Taco bags. Let’s go get lunch.”
I blinked as he got up but followed, clearly the subject was more than he wanted to deal with. Taco’s were awesome and Zac clearly ordered for me because it included the extra things I’d been getting.
“Damn Zac, are you starving her or something?” Isaac asked.
“No. We just didn’t eat much this morning.”
He knew that was a flat out lie but they didn’t. Once lunch was done Walker went with them to get the equipment and when they got back it was unloading. Yet when I approached the trailer Zac looked at me.
“What are you doing?”
“Helping unload the trailer.”
“No you’re not.”
“Zac, you need help.”
“No. Don’t you recall the weight limit they gave you? Nothing in this trailer is below that.”
“Zac, that was weeks ago.”
“Not going to risk anything Gabby, go inside and just direct.”
He then walked to the trailer to get the instruments and other things needed. But, there were things I could get the wires, microphones, and the stands and just small things so I went to the trailer and got those. He did not seem happy, but he couldn’t argue the weight of these items. Back and forth we unloaded but there wasn’t much that I could get and when Taylor asked me to help him with the Piano I didn’t think Zac would flip out but he did.
“Gabriella, come on. What are you doing? Move.”
“Zac, chill man it’s not that bad.” Taylor said.
“And I can help you, let’s go.”
I just stood there as he and Taylor pushed the piano inside I went to the trailer and got the guitar case, little heavy but not much and he met me at the door.
“Gabriella, please. Will you just stop? I know you want to help but direct.”
“I’m fine Zac.”
“Just stop, go ahead and start unpacking wires we can get the rest of it.”
He took the guitar and I sighed and went inside and began to unpack them.
“You didn’t pull a muscle or anything did you?” Walker asked.
“No.”
He walked outside and I laid out wires until there was nothing I could do without setting up something, so I began to unlatch and unpack the drums, which lasted for like ten minutes before he was standing beside me. I let the latch go and sighed. Clearly he wasn’t going to back down.
“Dude, chill out. She’s not like trying to pull shit by herself. You’ve been on her case the whole time we’ve been trying to unpack. Lay off. She knows what to do.”
“Stay out of it Ike.”
“It’s okay Isaac.”
“No it’s not, he’s treating you like you can’t do this. You done this on tour, multiple times. You know exactly what and where things need to go.”
“Isaac.” Zac said.
He didn’t back down and that rather lead to everyone being there, concerned and waiting for some reason why I can’t. I just looked at him and waited for this magical reason. To which he simply said I couldn’t and then moved on.
“Ella?” Shawn asked.
“It’s fine.”
I waited until something was up but then he was still jumping in, preventing me from moving anything that he deemed heavy and that time it was his Mother who said something and that pretty much halted all progress on getting things set up. I knew why he didn’t want me too, it wasn’t that I wasn’t able to the doctor never said I couldn’t. He was just afraid that it would cause a miscarriage, too much pulling on something or if I fell over something.
“Guys, can I get a minute with him alone?”
“Sure, he can tell us the reason he’s being a jackass when we get back.” Taylor said.
But, they did walk out and leave us.
“You shouldn’t be setting up, there is enough of us here to do that Gabby.”
“But you shouldn’t keep stopping me, you know they’re going to ask Zac.”
“They don’t need an explanation of why.”
“So you want to be seen as an asshole here?”
“I don’t care what they think, what I do care about is you and that you don’t fall, trip or get hurt.”
I slid my arms around his waist. “Unpacking boxes and putting up your drum set will not cause me to miscarry Zac.”
“I don’t want to take any chances.”
I took a deep breath. The individuals that I would feel deserve to know first were all here., but this is not how I wanted to tell them.
“If you’re going to be this way all weekend, then we’re going to have explain why.”
“You want to tell them?”
“Not ideally, but they’re going to keep asking why you’re stopping me, why I can’t do this or that, why can’t I unpack the drums, why can’t I push the piano. You will have to give them a reason. Some bullshit reason will not work either because they know I haven’t been hurt.”
“What if…”
“The OB said 12 weeks Zac, that he was confident after that it would be fine. Come on, there noticing the excessive eating, Isaac noticed the bit of weight I’ve added, Sierra’s noticed the increase in boobs. It won’t take long before your mother puts it together. The others might be clueless, they are not. I want them to hear it from you and I. We’re almost to eleven weeks. They can be told there is a chance.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. We can hold off on everyone else, but they’re going to be here all weekend and if you keep doing this then they’re going to keep stopping and asking. You have to give them a reason.”
He didn’t get to reply before they were coming back into the room. Taylor and Isaac looked peeved because they had a point, with my help they could be set up much sooner. Walker and Diana seemed peeved about his behavior and Shawn was kind of confused.
“Alright Zac, why are you being a ass and acting like she can’t do anything?” Isaac asked.
I wondered if he was going to tell them but he sighed. “I’m not being an ass Taylor, I just want to make sure she doesn’t get hurt.”
“She’s set up and broke down this set a dozen times, she knows what to do and what not to do.” He said.
He looked at him. “I know.”
“Zachary, what is going on? You are acting overly protective and you are hindering this process.” Diana said.
“I am because she’s pregnant, eleven weeks tomorrow. We were going to wait to tell everyone, because the doctor said the chances of a miscarriage were a bit elevated since she had one before. I just don’t want anything to happen.”
His mom blinked. “Is that true?” She asked.
“Yes.” He said.
To provide proof he showed them the sonogram pictures we’d gotten the first time, ones I hadn’t seen since then but he just had pictures of them. Isaac and Taylor started to come to me.
“If your plan is to swing me around, don’t.”
I got two hugs, then Diana and Walker but Shawn was a little apprehensive but he finally came over and gave me a hug.
“Congratulations now go sit your ass down. I don’t want to see you anywhere near this stage.” Shawn said.
“But…”
“Nope. Not having it. Go.”
Shit! I figured Taylor and Isaac would side with me, but nope they just pointed to the seats, so I went and sat down. I wasn’t fragile! There were things I could do. Yet, with four of them directing me here to the seat then there wasn’t anything I could do. Maybe I should have made up something…
Diana came and sat beside me after an hour, there was now not much she could do either.
“You look like you want to slap them all.”
“Pregnant, not fragile not breakable.”
“They don’t think they Gabby, there just concerned that something could happen. Walker did me the same way the second time, wouldn’t let me pick anything up, I couldn’t even touch Zac, he wouldn’t let them jump on me. Granted, that was mostly Zac. He’s being cautious.”
“I’m not helpless.”
She smiled. “Honey, until he’s certain of that and until the doctor is, in his mind you are. It’s not easy I know.”
“Did you have nightmares when you were pregnant with them?”
“Yes. Some of them were not bad scary but not bad. Some of them I woke up terrified, crying, screaming sometimes. Are you having them?”
“Yeah, the last week actually. Started out swimming and then I go under and I can see this form and know I need to help, but I can’t get there and I can’t get above water either.”
“Going to assume you fear losing this baby too?”
“All the time.”
“Honey you’re at eleven weeks, I think you’ll be fine. The doctor give you any reason to think there is a problem?”
“No. I’m just…the percentage is high.”
“I understand, I was terrified too honey. Just relax though because if you constantly worry about everything then you increase the chances of something happening. Enjoy it Gabriella. I know it’s hard but don’t just not enjoy the moments because if you make it full term then you’ll regret not remembering the special little moments.”
“When should be tell others?”
“Three months is generally a good time, but if the doctor feels your chances for a miscarriage are still higher than normal, maybe wait a little longer.”
“I go back in the 20 th.”
“I’m sure you’ll be fine. Does this explain the excessive lunch order?”
“Yeah, the new bras too.”
She smiled and about 6 they declared themselves done. The stage was set up, the recording microphones were set up and they were ready to do the two sessions. Before they left we asked them not to tell anyone, not even Stella or Nicole because I didn’t want a lot of disappointed people if something happened. We went home and fixed dinner there, or rather he did.
“Nothing weird today?”
“Nope.”
“Good.”
After dinner I cleaned up some, he’d laid down on the couch. I finished cleaning up and then went to the living room, where I laid down on top of him.
“This is new.”
I kissed him. “Figured we won’t have any time together until probably Sunday.”
“Yeah, do you want to be there tomorrow?”
“I can’t do anything, I could just hang out with Sierra or Abby. I don’t know which ones available.”
“You can, they’ll both protect you.”
“Yeah. I told your mom about the nightmares. She said she had them too, maybe it’s normal.”
“It is. Hey, whoever you spend time with you need to head over to the house. I won’t get to until Monday. From what he said, there very close to being done. The up-stairs is done completely, we need paint colors for him.”
“Any thoughts?”
I felt his hands rest on my back. “I think something in a blue tone for our room and the bathroom. Nothing like super dark but some shade. Everything here is just white.”
“What about the rest of the house?”
He kissed me. “Surprise me. As long as it’s not neon then I think I’ll be fine.”
“Anything really off limits?”
He laid there a moment. “I want something that is relaxing and not overly done. Nothing super dark or dreary.”
“I think I can do that.”
I kissed him again but didn’t quite pull back, moving to his neck. The doctor said nothing about no sex! Clearly he had made that note as well because he wasn’t stopping me. So much that when someone knocked he didn’t let me get up.
“They’ll go away.”
“But…”
“No buts, this is our time.”
The knocking continued for a bit then stopped. He just kept me occupied with kisses, his hands roaming under the back of my shorts.
“Here or the bedroom?” I asked.
“Here is fine if it’s comfortable for you.”
“Either way, you’re not getting up.”
There was one thing I wasn’t comfortable with and I wasn’t sure his weight bearing down was a good thing, getting clothes off was easy, the sofa wasn’t all that easy for straddling though which he took care of by pulling me down and putting me to the side. I was between him and the sofa and it was a better position. Even though I vaguely recall someone knocking again, I wasn’t real focused on that. Rather liked this closeness and sex was always good.
I didn’t want to move at all even afterwards, so when he pulled the blanket over us I was confused. I assumed he’d make us move. But this was even better.
“You know I’m going to burn up right?”
He smiled, kissed my shoulder. “Nope, because I turned the air way down. You should be comfortable.”
“Did you know what I planned?”
“Nope, but I know what I did.”
“So bad.”
Yet, he was asleep before me, probably because he did way more today than I did. I buried my head in a nice safe spot on his arm and eventually fell asleep.