Chapter 25: Craving

POV: Gabby / Zac

 

June 23, 2008

He may have said no that night but it hadn’t stopped him afterwards and I had to be lying to myself, it was good sex, just rough enough to hurt some but not be too much. Yet, what I was craving was to be really hurt and that scared me. The sex just wasn’t erasing the thoughts anymore, no matter what happen as soon as I was laying beside him I could taste it. The craving was getting worse. He’d nearly not gone to the studio today but the best fake smile I could produce had been convincing enough.

Yet, once he was gone and the suffocating silence sat in that desire grew, mingled with that was the dreams, my artwork was taking a life of its own. It was one thing to draw a cracked crib, it’s another one to dream about one falling apart as you hear crying but can’t do anything. That was making the craving far worse than anything I’d experienced before. I’d been able to forget for more than a week, I wanted to forget again.

He had left at seven and at ten I was still sitting in the same spot on the couch. I could call Abigail but she had never done drugs, so she wouldn’t understand and she hadn’t ever miscarried either. Max didn’t even know where I had gone or what had happened, so there was no use in calling him. Sierra would hold me but she just wanted the wild Skye person. She didn’t want me. I was just looking around the room when my eyes settled on a picture from Christmas. Zac, Diana and I. She knew what this felt like, she could help me! Zac had even said she could!

I got up and changed clothes, taking the pajamas off and choosing shorts and a long t-shirt and then I realized Zac had the car. I thought for a moment and remembered his bike was on the patio, it would be easier and faster than walking. After getting what I would have to have, keys and phone mostly, I left. I got to the entrance to the apartments before that nagging voice slammed into me.

I could just forget…

His parents house was to the right, but Tera’s was to the left and I knew she was out of jail now. She’d sent me a text message the day she got home. I had the wheel turned to the left and was about to push off when one of the tenants came by, she was jogging and pushing a stroller. The baby laughed at something and I paused, Tera couldn’t help me, not really. I rotated the wheel and went right instead. The bike ride to his parents house wasn’t extremely long, but it took me just around an hour to get there, because of traffic stops. I parked the bike but no cars were here, so they weren’t at home. They always came in the back door, so I went and sat there. I should probably tell Zac I am here but I just couldn’t find the motivation to do it. I just sat here and stared at the concrete, willing myself not to move. Not to get back on that bike and go the other direction, I just had to sit here.

I heard the car about 1:30 and before long she was coming around the side of the house.

“Gabriella, I didn’t know you were here. Zac didn’t say anything when I took them lunch.”

“He thinks I’m at home, I didn’t even know I would be here until hours after he left.”

“How did you get here then?”

“I rode his bike.”

“How long have you been here? You’re face is very red.”

“I got here about 11:30.”

“Honey, let’s get you inside and out of this heat.”

Honestly, I hadn’t even really noticed that it was hot. But I followed her inside and to the kitchen where she sat her two bags down and then fixed me a large glass of sweet tea without asking. She had me sit near the air vent too and that was pretty wonderful! She put the items up, mostly vegetables and then we went to the living room, I had chosen a shirt with a collar on it to hide the bruises around my neck, she may not be as forgiving as Stella.

“What happen to your neck? You got some bruising there.”

Fuck. Obviously the collared shirt did nothing to hide them all and how could I tell his mom he did this because I asked him too?! Yet, the expression on her face was absolute concern.

“My son better not have done that to you. I know I raised him better than that.”

“I um…I asked him too. So, it’s not like he just done it on his own.”

For a moment she looked puzzled and I was afraid she wouldn’t believe me and would think it was just a cover story, but then she smiled.

“On that note I won’t ask any more questions, but do be careful and may want to back off a bit because that’s pretty significant and not everyone would believe you.”

“I thought the collar was high enough.”

“It is when your hair is down, but you have it up.”

“He is very careful though.”

“You know I have three boys and they’re all manly men but my mom spider sense is tingling and I’m thinking this isn’t just a social call. It’s not often I find my daughter looking confused and lost on the back porch, added Zac was certain you were at home. Are things okay between the two of you?”

“Yes, they are and we’ve talked about this but I don’t know if he really has any idea what to really say.”

I knew Zac could be mad at me for coming here and telling her, but I didn’t know anyone else to go to that may have a clue or be able to explain to me what the hell was going on and more importantly…when it would stop.

“I asked him not to tell anyone, so please don’t blame him. I didn’t just have appendix surgery in April. I didn’t even know until he told me when I woke up. I was pregnant and miscarried.”

“I had a feeling that something else occurred, I just didn’t want to push either of you. I’m not mad and I imagine the reason you and he agreed was because of the ones I had?”

“Yeah. I felt like it would be mean to tell you and then turn around and say there never would be a baby. I didn’t want to upset you or have that hurt in any form.”

“I understand. So, then why now? Clearly, you aren’t here because you feel bad about not telling me.”

“I never wanted children, told Abigail when I was 13 that I didn’t want any. It never changed through the years and it wasn’t something Zac and I had discussed either. I just assumed that I’d never have them, Zac was adamant about protection but I never was. I mean, he’s the only one that insisted. I never thought about it, I never bothered to be around babies of any age or even children.”

She waited beside me, patiently and there was this little voice that said I’d finally made a decision that was right.

“He told me at the hospital after everyone had left, I had sensed he hadn’t told me everything. There was no reason given. We have talked about it but I don’t understand why it hurts so much when I never wanted a baby. I don’t understand why everything reminds me of something I’ll never have. I started drawing broken cribs and leaking bottles a few days after we got back on the road, I didn’t understand then and I don’t know.”

“Have you talked to Zac about this?”

“Yes, a week or so ago and I thought I was fine. But, when he went back to work and I was there alone I realized that what kept me fine was him. He was always talking about something, playing games with me, or we were doing things together, he was providing that distraction that was gone when he went to work. After being there with Michael last week I keep dreaming about cribs falling apart and I swear Friday I heard a baby crying but there isn’t one near us.”

It felt easier to talk to her, maybe it was because she knew the right words or the right touch that made it feel more comfortable. I found that fears I couldn’t previously identify just flooded from my mouth. The worries about future chances, the fears, every worry, every lost feeling and how I felt I deserved to lose this baby because of my stupid past decisions.

Her ability to have the right words and touches spurred other confessions, perhaps ones she didn’t expect like the fact that I wanted Zac to really hurt me and he wouldn’t, that I wanted so badly to go to Tera because I wanted those lines to make the feelings go away…

-Zac-

They’d nagged me a little more about the slap from last week but now that my face was fine it wasn’t something they really focused on anymore, which allowed us to focus more on our actual job. We also were planning a fall tour for the Walk or at least talking about one, we really hadn’t made a definitive answer but it was there.

I felt my phone vibrate and checked, Mom was calling but she knew we were working so I would call her back. I laid the phone down on the desk and was about to comment on the sentence Taylor had just read when her number came up again.

“Gabby?” Ike asked.

“Mom. I’ll call her back when we’re done though, she knows we’re editing and trying to get done.”

Yet, when it began to ring for a third time Taylor laid the book down. “Answer, Mom never does that.”

I picked it up. “Hey Mom, what’s up?”

“Put me on speakerphone please, I don’t want to repeat myself.”

Uh, that didn’t sound good but I put it on speakerphone. “Okay, we’re all here.”

Taylor and Isaac both said hello and acknowledged we were all present.

“I’m sorry to do this but I need Zac to leave and come here, right now. Not in four hours, not in ten hours. I need him to leave and be here within the next 45 minutes or less.”

“What’s wrong Mom?” Ike asked.

“Gabriella was waiting on me when I got home, I’m not going to discuss why she was here with anyone but Zac. Taylor and Isaac you can finish the chapter or whatever you are doing and he can read it later and approve it. But, this is more important right now.”

The first thought that came was she had seen the marks around her neck and I was in deep fucking shit for that. Taylor and Isaac were not stupid enough to argue with Mom, so they agreed and she hung-up.

“Did you two fight or something?” Taylor asked.

“No. For that matter, I thought she was at home. But, I don’t want to piss Mom off so I’m going.”

“Not a problem. If we make you stay she’ll scream at us, not pleasant.” Isaac said.

They decided to keep working and they’d mark anything I needed to review so I grabbed my things and left, the drive to Mom’s made me wonder how she got there. She could have taken a cab, walked, or called someone but when I parked beside Mom’s car I saw my bike which explained how she made it. I went in the back door and found Mom sitting at the kitchen table, but Gabby wasn’t with her.

“Where is Gabby?”

“She’s asleep on the sofa, have a seat.”

I slid into the seat she’s indicated and she slid me a glass of tea, which I loved her tea. I took a swallow but I was confused as to why I was sitting here.

“Why is she here? Why did you call me? Is it the...um...”

Shit, I couldn’t say bruises because I didn’t know why she was here and if that wasn’t the reason then I’d be telling on myself like an idiot and Mom and Dad were both adamant, you didn’t hurt women. I didn’t know how they’d react for someone asking me too!

“It’s not the bruises on her neck, she explained those in no detail terms. No, she wasn’t here for that Zac. She told me about the miscarriage in April.”

Mom did not look disappointed or upset about that, so I waited on her to inform me of why I was here, her informing my mother about the miscarriage wasn’t cause for me to be here, unless Mom was pissed off at something I did or didn’t do. I knew to wait though, so I did.

“She came to me because she doesn’t understand how she’s feeling, how she’s reacting, or how to deal with it. We talked about the miscarriage and her feelings on them, she said she told you some of it but she didn’t tell you everything.”

“I had a feeling that she hadn’t quite told me everything but I remember you yelling at dad when he kept pressing you and after the overdose I was fearing that it would make things worse.”

“It’s good that you didn’t press her on it, but she just didn’t understand and I think on the term of that she’s better but not out of the woods totally. She thinks she deserved to lose the baby and that she doesn’t deserve to ever have a child, she feels like her bad decisions and behavior over the years has caused this and she doesn’t know how to fix it.”

She had never mentioned feeling like she deserved this for some reason.

“She thinks every decision she makes is wrong and I keep telling her it’s not. She just doesn’t seem to believe me.” I said.

“She made the right one today and I made sure she knew that. She said when she left she nearly went to Tera’s because what she wanted was cocaine. She’s been craving it a lot.”

“She hasn’t mentioned that to me at all, I wondered if she was but she hadn’t said anything.”

“She was trying to forget it with sex. Pretty sure you noticed that change the last week or so?”

My face turned ten shades darker at that. I didn’t think Gabby would ever talk to my mother about our sex life, particularly the one we had the last week or so because that was far beyond normal sex.

“I understand it’s not something you would expect her to tell me, she really didn’t provide any details just that she was asking you to do things like the bruising and while you were it wasn’t, and in her words, hard enough. It didn’t hurt her like she wanted.”

“I don’t want to hurt her.”

“She understands that Zac but it’s what she expects, she’s still learning what a good man is. She said Simon would often make sex very painful either by hitting her or just excessive roughness, it’s what she got use too. She was trying to replace the desire for drugs and the pain with that roughness.”

“She kept trying to do little things to annoy me or piss me off. But, I wouldn’t. I don’t even like the bruises on her neck.”

“The two of you can talk more about that, it was more toward the end, her primary reason was the miscarriage. But, she mentioned the cocaine cravings and that as well, not as extensively but by the very end much of what she said was incomprehensible. She’s been bottling a while and why the hell did you take her to Stella’s knowing she wasn’t anywhere near healed and that Michael would be there?”

“I didn’t know Michael was there or I wouldn’t have. I’m sure I upset Stella but Taylor hasn’t said anything about it today.”

“He probably won’t, but that was kind of her breaking moment there. She said she was just feeling it and when she put him in her lap and he started screaming that was it, the last few days you’ve helped distract it but this morning it was bad, so she came here.”

“Stella texted and said something was wrong, she was very quiet until we got home. She just wouldn’t say anything. I’m glad she came here instead of Tera’s, all Tera would have done was give her what she wanted.”

“I know you may not want to hear this but you really shouldn’t plan or try for kids for a few months at least, she’s really not dealing with this well and I think you need to find her a professional to talk too. I don’t think this is manifesting itself now, I think it’s been there a while but it’s just now surfacing because her life is more stable.”

“No telling, could come from anything.”

“She should wake up soon, she was just drained. I’ll fix dinner and you both can stay.”

“Maybe being here will help her some.”

She got up and moved to the sink but then turned. “I know it’s not easy having her at the studio but I think maybe you need to for a little while, she needs to be around someone and not there alone. I know Stella maybe upset and hurt, I’ll talk to her.”

“Thanks.”

“Now go check on her.”

I got up and went to the living room, pausing at the door. She was laying on her side, covered up with a blanket and she was resting very peacefully. I got my phone and called Taylor.

“Hey…nothing bad right?”

“She came to Mom about the miscarriage and other things, Mom said she’d talk to Stella. Is she that upset?”

“Not really, I hadn’t told her about the miscarriage and she was pissed at me for not telling her. She’s just confused and unsure about how she reacted, she’s not mad or anything. She just doesn’t understand.”

“Direct her to me if she has left over questions after they talk. I’ll be bringing her in for a bit too, so prepare yourselves.”

“Might be best if she made her way to Mom.”

“Yeah. She’s okay and nothing major just Mom wanted to talk about what they talked about.”

“Okay, we’ll see you tomorrow sometime then.”

I hung-up and sat down in the floor, admired her as she slept. I heard Dad come in and he came to the door, but he didn’t say anything. Before Mom finished cooking I shook her gently.

“Gabby, wake up.”

She whined and then blinked at me. “Zac? What are you doing here?”

“Mom called me after you were asleep. You’ve been asleep for a few hours.”

“I don’t even remember falling asleep.” She said.

“It’s okay, do you feel better now?”

“Kind of.”

I leaned over and kissed her forehead. “You made the right decision to come here and you know that is true. Mom’s about done with dinner, our presence has been requested.”

She smiled faintly. “Dinner actually sounds really good.”

She sat up and I smoothed her hair back down and kissed her, but she seemed a little afraid.

“You’re not mad that I didn’t tell you? I’m sure she told you.”

I moved hair from her face. “I’d never be mad at you for coming here because you needed someone else to talk to. I understand Gabriella, I haven’t been through it either and I have no idea what the right things to say are, what the wrong things are and I can just guess if you’ve told me everything. We can talk tomorrow or when we get home, but I’d never be mad at you for seeking out someone to help you.”

“You didn’t want to tell her.”

“But maybe I should have, because she could have given us both advice on what to do or not to do.”

“Is there anything that I can do that would upset you?”

I smiled and kissed her, lured her to me a bit. “I would imagine so, but I don’t see you going home with anyone else.”

Her arms slid around my waist and she held on tightly. “No one else would put up with me.”

Mom called us for dinner and we got up, the conversation at dinner was good stuff, Dad talked about worked and Mom talked about a new book, one that Gabby had actually read so that was good. Dad seemed confused on why she was here but I would imagine Mom would fill him in later. Given how late it was, we decided to stay for the night. It was about eleven when we laid down for bed.

“Do you really believe that you miscarried because you deserved it?”

“Yes. It’s the only logical explanation until your mom told me they never had reasons either.”

I kissed her forehead. “That’s not the reason and whatever your decisions are you made the right one today. I’m not sure what I’m going to have to do to convince you of that.”

“Not be mad that I told her about our sex life?”

“Least you didn’t give details and if you tried she didn’t understand them.”

“I don’t think I said much, I was pretty much done by then.”

“I love you. I’m not going to be mad or upset if you need to tell me anything. Not even if you told me why you’ve been so aggressive and I guess needy? You know I’m not going to hurt you like Simon did.”

“I know. I really didn’t understand what was happening until we got back from Stella’s, I just realized that what I was wanting was what he did. I guess Stella hates me now.”

“She doesn’t. But, she didn’t know and if I knew she was going to have him I wouldn’t have taken you there.”

She curled up against me. “You’re mom said I should see someone. Do you think that too?”

“I think you do, someone you can trust and someone that can better help you through everything. The foster homes, your brother and Max leaving, Simon and everything that has happened. It’s your choice but if you want to then I can try to find someone.”

She was quite a moment. “I think that might be a good idea.”

I kissed her forehead. “I’ll find everyone and we’ll find the right person. Get some sleep, I know we’re both give out.”

“You didn’t mind my wearing you out.”

“Oh never will I mind. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, I love you.”

It didn’t take long for her to go to sleep and I just held her until I fell asleep too.

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