Chapter 24: I wanted…

POV: Zac / Gabby

June 19, 2008

We were both at the studio by nine, but I was taking her to Stella’s at one today. She was currently sitting on the sofa texting with Abby and I was focusing on e-mail. Taylor came in at 9:15 and Isaac a few moments later.

“Morning.” Ike said.

“Morning.” She said.

“You look tired.” He said.

“I’m fine.” She replied.

“Morning Zac.” Taylor said.

“Morning.”

I kept my head facing the screen and letting my hair down, but I knew I couldn’t all day. They were content until ten and then we had to talk and for that I had to face them. I couldn’t hide and they both exchanged looks. I knew they would ask anyway.

“Um, Zac…what happen to your cheek?”

“Nothing.” I said.

“Um, looks like something. It wasn’t there yesterday when you left.”

“I slapped him..little harder than I expected.” She said.

“Um…did he piss you off or something?” Isaac asked.

“Not in your traditional sense no, but something close. Not going to happen again unless he does piss me off.”

They both looked at me and I knew her explanation wasn’t good enough for them and I could see the questions dancing in Taylor’s eyes.

“We tried something new sex wise, I asked her too but I didn’t like it so it’s not something we’ll be doing again. Neither of us expected the mark to last this long. It’s fading already though so I’ll be fine.”

I wasn’t sure if either of us had actually slept since Sunday night. She kept insisting I wasn’t hurting her and she kept wanting things to be rougher, harder, faster, or even more painful. I had asked but I hadn’t expected it to be that hard and that had pretty much killed my mood, which did nothing to her. I’d found that even butterflies can be useful in those times and well, Sierra can no longer claim she only purred for her. Yet, I was wondering if something was wrong because she was just very insistent.

“You asked her too?” Taylor asked.

“Yes. I asked her to slap me. Read about it on a website, said let’s try this but it wasn’t what I expected so, we’re not doing that anymore. Now, let’s move on because I have to get her to Stella’s by one.”

“You’re going to Stella’s today?” Taylor asked.

“She asked me to come over for a bit and just hang out. No particular reason why. I figured I wouldn’t be bored there.”

“I doubt you will be.”

We moved on to another chapter and she was drawing something, hopefully not cribs. Turns out she was drawing guitars, because they were hanging on the wall behind Ike, of course he was in there too. It was a good drawing. We all went to lunch about 11:45, she and I went home and heated up some leftovers and she dropped off her tablet and then I drove her to Stella’s.

“We’re planning to be done by four and I’ll come back for you.”

“I’ll be here. I rather can’t leave until you do come back.”

I smiled. “I know.”

She leaned over and kissed me, her hand going right for my crotch. “Or we could go back home.”

“Gabby, you promised Stella and Taylor and Isaac would just call until I answered.”

“No fun. I’ll see you in a couple hours.”

I kissed her again and she got out, I watched until she was standing in front of Stella’s door before I headed back to the studio.

-Gabby-

I really wanted to go back to the apartment but he had a point, I had promised and they wouldn’t just let him skip all afternoon without a call or a hundred. Maybe being here would be a good thing, so I went to the door and watched him leave. I knocked and she opened the door a few moments later.

“Hey! I was wondering if Zac forgot.”

“No, just a little late. We went home for lunch.”

“No problem. Come in.”

Her apartment was still spotless, how she managed was beyond me. She offered drinks and I went with a soda and we sat down in the living room.

“How are things going? Do you feel better not having the fans constantly on your back?”

“They’re going well actually. Yeah, privatizing the accounts was something I should have done a while back I guess. It’s nice to see your updates or Nicole, without a hundred negative messages.”

“You look good but you look tired and is that a bruise around your neck?”

It was a automatic reaction to cover more as I thought my neck was covered well. Her facial expression had concern written all over it though, and I was sure that abuse was her first thought.

“It’s not like that Stella.”

“I surely know that Zac is not hurting you.”

“Not unless I ask him too.”

She blinked. “Seriously? You asked him to do that?”

“I’m not and never have been vanilla Stella. Max introduced it a long time ago and I just never really trusted many people to do that, for obvious reasons.”

“Yeah, I can see that being something you’d want trust with. Is it suppose to bruise like that though?”

“Zac’s a newbie at this so he got a little tight, but that’s what I wanted. Max left a few also.”

“Ahh, I just never saw Zac being non-vanilla.”

“Oh, he’s not vanilla now. I mean, haven’t you and Taylor ever explored a bit?”

“We have yes, but not that far. We’ve talked about maybe some handcuffs or something but we just never have.”

“Could be fun.”

“Could be, just not sure what to do.”

“Well, I’ll be more than glad to provide ideas. I have knowledge of ropes and being tied up.”

She smiled. “I’ll hold you to that if I ever get him to agree.”

I smiled. “Always have agreement when it comes to stuff like that. It’s not fun if they make you.”

She looked at me. “Experience that too?”

“Yeah. It’s much more enjoyable when you have the option to bow out if it gets too bad. Otherwise, it’s just very unpleasant. Is it something you wanted to do as well?”

“I’ve thought about it, but haven’t really looked into it.”

“I would advise research too, hey could be a good night alone date. Watch bondage porn.”

“Did you do that to Zac? The way he is I’m shocked if he got through one.”

“No. I just sprung it on him, asked obviously before doing more.”

She got up and walked to her bedroom door, peeked in and then returned. That was odd behavior but maybe I was just making her uncomfortable with the topic, so I decided that changing it would be better. Stella wasn’t huge about talking to me about sex and given the topic it could just be too much.

“So, how’s the bookstore? Anything new I have to have?”

She spent thirty minutes explaining the new books she’d ordered and the ones I needed to read, Twilight was a biggie on that list but I just hadn’t gotten to it, wasn’t sure about sparkly vampires honestly but Harry Potter seemed like it was something I’d enjoy so I asked more about them. She got up again and walked to her bedroom door and then she went to the kitchen, she was acting strange.

“Do you want anything?”

“I’m fine.”

I was just sitting there when I heard it, this low whine and I had to be hearing things! Stella didn’t have any children and she seemed to not even hear the noise. Fuck, this could not be happening. I tried to figure out where it was coming from but she came through and sat a bottle down on the table. Was this some joke? Some sick thing she wanted to do? Surely Taylor told her, I mean he said he wouldn’t but she was his girlfriend I rather expected him too.

The low whine had turned into crying and it was originating from her bedroom where she’d gone. She returned after several minutes and in her arms was a baby, not near as young as Ella was.

“Sorry, I was hoping to time the bottle with him waking up. I failed obviously.”

She got the bottle and sat down on the couch, several moments later he was sucking away and she was watching him. I felt like someone had just dropped me into a fire pit and lunch was really threatening to come back up. I felt like I was suffocating.

“I’ll be right back.”

I got up and tried to walk normally to her bathroom, there were baby blankets and diapers on her bed. Lunch tasted way better going down. But the bathroom was cool and I splashed water in my face. It was fine, I was just reacting to what I thought was hallucinations. I returned and she looked at me.

“Are you okay? You look a little pale.”

“I’m okay. I uh…didn’t know you had him.”

It was logical that this baby was her nephew, who else could it be? He was the only one that she would be watching.

“I didn’t think I would either but my sister called last night at nine and wanted to see if I could watch him for a few hours today. They wanted to have some adult time, they’ve not had any time alone since he was born.”

“Understandable. He’s, what, almost six months now?”

“He is almost there, amazing how time just seems to fly. Feels like he was born yesterday but it was really December.”

I nodded and tried to stop the torrent of thoughts, it hadn’t taken me long to determine a potential due date, it would have been late November to early December, I wouldn’t be in the hospital then welcoming our son or daughter. It also occurred that we’d be finding out around now what we were having. I didn’t even realize where my hands were until she spoke.

“Gabriella? Do you feel okay? You’re holding your abdomen like it’s hurting again.”

“I think lunch is not agreeing much, I’ll be fine though.”

“Taylor wants this huge family, I’m not sure I want as many as he does.”

“I’m sure he’ll be fine, he really does love kids.”

He’d sparkled with Ella, it was clear that he wanted them. He and Isaac both really.

“He’s so good with Michael here and Michael loves him. He was disappointed that he wasn’t going to be here today.”

“He knew Michael would be here?”

“Yeah, I thought maybe he could get off early.”

That explained why Taylor had been surprised by me being here. It was fine. I could handle this. I mean, she was watching him I was just here. I didn’t have to do anything and I wasn’t technically responsible for him in any way. He finished the bottle and she sat him up and was talking to him. Baby talk and getting little smiles.

I wouldn’t have that option in a year. I tried to blink away the tears. I went back to the bathroom to pep talk myself back down from just crying hysterically. I got my phone with every intention to text Zac and tell him to come get me right now, I had the message typed out and was about to press send, but how would I explain it to her? Sorry, I’m leaving because your nephew is here? I sent one to Abby instead.

Are you there?

Yep – great timing, I’m on break. What’s up?

I’m at Stella’s…and her nephew is here. I…have no idea what to do.

Her nephew? How old is he?

Six months…

It felt like forever passed before the ringtone went off.

Honey you can’t avoid every baby forever. It’ll be fine. She’s there and if he needs anything she can do it, you don’t have to do anything but keep her company. Just talk like normal. I know it probably hurts but it’s okay to hurt and you will for a while. Does she know?

Taylor said he didn’t tell her but she’s his girlfriend, I am sure he did. She didn’t know he was coming over..

He probably did but Gabs, it’s okay. You’ll be fine.

I didn’t feel like I would be but I returned anyway, never sent Zac the message. Michael was laying on a palette on the floor, gnawing on the set of baby keys in his hands.

“Are you sure you feel okay?”

“Yeah. So, what’s else has been new?”

I was trying to ignore that he was babbling and making noises in the floor, that her eyes kept traveling to him as she talked about how her sister was doing, how she had decided to return to school and how much of a headache the registration was being. She spoke fondly of her brother in law and how he was working and going to school. Her parents were nagging her about kids and when she and Taylor were getting married.

I nodded and agreed but all I seem to hear was Michael cooing and playing on his pallet. I felt that nagging feeling that I won’t ever hear that from a child that was mine, that I just couldn’t do it.

“Are you and Zac ever going to do a wedding or something?”

“We’re talked about it a bit, but it’s so strange that I’m not sure.”

We weren’t ready to tell people yet so I was maintaining that, I didn’t want to spill it to her and then Diana be the last person to find out. Because I wanted her to know first and foremost, least I could do after just pulling him into a chapel.

“I think you should, Diana was disappointed but she seems to really like you. I think she likes you got him to stop doing one night stands with random women. You two are good right?”

“Yeah. Why wouldn’t we be?”

“Just making sure the rumor mill was still wrong.”

“Yeah, I haven’t really…”

She cut me off excitedly. “Oh my god! Did you see him turn over! Kayla said he was but I just didn’t believe her.”

She was just so happy about that simple thing and I did in fact see him flip himself to his belly. I forced the smile and the excitement and just sat there. She moved into the floor and was playing with him again, getting these little smiles and giggles, ones I’d never hear. I rather felt like she forgot I was here, because we weren’t really talking or anything. She was playing with him and keeping him entertained. Maybe that was better.

All I could think about was all the things I’d never experience. I wouldn’t have the stories of how long labor was, or how much it hurt or didn’t. I wouldn’t have the poopy diaper stories or the moments to share like smiles and when they crawl. I kept watching the clock, counting down until Zac got here. It was 3:30, thirty minutes and I could escape without feeling bad. I saw her change a poop diaper and she got up to throw it away.

“Hey Gabby I’ll be right back.”

I vaguely even heard her, but the door alarmed me when it shut. “Stella?”

She wasn’t even in the apartment. No, no…that’s not…where had she gone? I could feel that building panic as I looked at Michael laying in the floor. She’d left me alone with him. What if he got sick? What if he cried? What do I do? I didn’t even know how to pick him up off the floor or what to do!

He was just playing at first but then he started whining. It almost felt like every thought just ceased to exist, I didn’t have a single clue what to do. I didn’t even know she was back inside or that he was actually crying until she shook me.

“Gabby, hey. We’re you just going to let him cry?”

“I…I don’t…”

“Gabriella?”

She just sighed and walked to the kitchen. I could hear her telling him it’s okay, comforting him. I had been right all along, I couldn’t be a mother. I’d totally zoned out and had no idea what to even do! I hadn’t even heard him crying.

The overwhelming desire to forget everything seemed to slam into me full force. There was no husband here to make that go away, no husband to push down or have choke me. I got up and walked to the front door.

“Where are you going?”

“I just need air.”

“Come sit on the deck then.”

She didn’t seem pissed off so I followed her to the deck, I’d barely sat down before Michael was sitting in my lap, which lasted for fifteen seconds before he started screaming and reaching for her. She didn’t hesitate to take him back either.

Come on, I’ll take good care of you.

One line won’t hurt, may help calm those thoughts down.

One line…that’s all I needed. It’s all I wanted, but I couldn’t leave. Stella wouldn’t let me just leave and there was no way Zac was going to take me either. I just sat here focused on the planter in front of me. I couldn’t hear Michael anymore or Stella. Just the raging thoughts inside my head about needing that one line, the torrent of thoughts telling me I deserved to lose my baby because I didn’t deserve to have those moments. I deserved everything that happened to me because I was just a fuck up.

“Gabriella? Hey, look at me.” He said.

I barely moved my eyes to see Zac kneeling there in front of me. I felt his fingers wipe across my face, didn’t even realize that there were tears, didn’t even know he had arrived.

“Are you okay?”

“I want to go home now.”

“Baby?”

His face blurred completely and I think I rather fell over into his arms. I felt his hands on my back, could hear him telling me it was okay.

“Come on, we’ll go home.”

I moved away and kind of realized we were alone on the deck. He got up and helped me up, wiped my face off. He lead me through the living room to the door.

“Zac? Are you guys not staying for dinner?” Taylor asked.

“No. I’m going to get her home.”

“Everything okay? She just…I don’t even know it was like she wasn’t really there. I was worried.” Stella said.

“She shouldn’t have been here when Michael was, not this soon anyway and not without me. If I had known he was here I wouldn’t have brought her.”

“Does she hate my nephew for some odd reason? I mean really you act like a little baby is the worst thing in the world.”

“Stella...” Taylor said.

“It is when we lost ours in April Stella. It’s not because she hates him, but right now being around a baby is not easy for her or for me. I’m sorry but I need to get her home.”

I felt his hand on my back and just followed, one line was all I needed. All the way home I just wanted one line. I barely registered the ride home or getting to the apartment.

But once inside the apartment I knew I could erase the thoughts, I just needed him to fuck me like he had been, I’d be too tired to think. But while I know the kiss would be his clue he got my hands and moved them away from his ass.

“Gabby.”

“What? It’s not like you don’t want to.”

It’s not like I wanted to think about cocaine, but sex could be just as addictive. It could be more so, it could erase the thoughts of wanting another line. It had worked so far, the harder or faster he was the less I had time to think about that one single line.

“Stella called me early because you were rocking and crying on her porch and she didn’t have a clue why. Surely, you didn’t do that just because you wanted me to come get you to come home and have sex. If that’s what you wanted, you should have sent me the message and not freaked her out.”

“Come on, it’s not like she really knew I was there. She spent most the time playing with her nephew, or tending to him.”

“You rocking and crying isn’t a good thing Gabby.”

“Are you saying no to me?”

“Yes, I am. Because I really don’t think that’s what you want. You cannot want me to just hit you. Turn on I can see but not every day. I told you weeks ago that if you needed to talk I was here. What happen today?”

“Nothing.”

“Nothing happened? So you didn’t get sick? You didn’t just sit there like you were confused all day? Stella may have spent time with him but you didn’t do anything to talk to her either, least not in her memory.”

The desire for another line was intensifying, it was stronger and I really didn’t want to have this conversation. I just wanted another line of cocaine and to forget that I have feelings for a bit.

What I wanted was for him to throw me down and fuck me. My eyes drifted down to his hands holding my wrist gently and the realization hit me like a ton of bricks. I backed away from him because what I really wanted was for him to really hurt me, like Simon had done so many times before.

I wanted that pain because it would erase everything else. I wouldn’t crave the cocaine or feel the pain from losing my baby. I’d feel nothing but the pain he’d caused, the pain from the sex or from the hits.

“I’m just going to go to bed.”

“It’s not even six.”

I left him there confused and went to bed, curled up as tight as I could. I hadn’t understood why I’d been pushing him all week to hit me harder, to be rougher, and sure it was a turn on to me and he had listened and done some of what I wanted. I mean, I had the handprint on my butt to prove it. But, it hadn’t been enough.

What I needed was to sleep it off, I’d be fine after sleep. About a quarter until nine he brought me dinner in bed.

“You need to at least eat dinner.”

I started to reject food but maybe it would help! He ate with me here in the bedroom and then took the dishes back to the kitchen. Yet, it wasn’t working. He came in and stripped down and laid down. I didn’t need to ask if I could lay there beside him and he didn’t push me away when I did.

All food did was make me sleepy, which helped me to fall asleep. Letting the last few days of lack of sleep catch up. I was vaguely aware that he’d tightened his grip around me, but that was fine too.