Chapter 16: Just One

POV: Gabby

 

May 20, 2008

My doctor’s appointment the 9 th said that the appendix removal was healing the way they liked. Zac had called to request a battery of tests to ensure nothing else could possibly be wrong. I think this whole no sex with the wife was not pleasing to him. They did not clear me but a follow up was June 4 th and that would determine if I was cleared or not. The OBGYN had gone well too, she had cleared me for normal activity but really, I couldn’t because of the stitches and stuff.

We had a huge barbeque last Saturday for Shawn’s birthday and I still felt like an outsider. Sierra was actually in town and had came to his party but she kept her distance from me. She couldn’t deny that she never tried to find me after I left, if she truly loved me she would have.

I hadn’t bothered to draw anything in over a week, the last time I tried it was the same cribs and stuff, so I just left it alone and absorbed myself in video games with Zac. He was due at the studio at 10 and I was going to run some errands. He got up at 8 but he clearly didn’t want to go in.

“You feeling okay?”

“Yeah, just blah. I’d rather stay home and sleep really.”

“Well, they’ll never forgive you if you don’t come in. I am sure you’ll be fine.”

He hadn’t really seemed thrilled to be home, but I guess it was home and not playing was different. The fast paced tour life was slowed here and there was more boring times. They had apparently chosen not to do any events this year either, which they had done last year. But they did have another EP in the works for a book they were currently working on.

“Are you going to the store while you’re out?”

“Yep. Request?”

“I’ve wanted a homemade burger for weeks. Can you get the stuff and if I can’t tonight then I will tomorrow for sure.”

“Sure, uh..if there is anything you specifically need write it down.”

“Deal.”

He made me a list of what he would need or what he wanted and then he got ready to leave. Watching him get dressed was enticing but I knew I couldn’t do anything but I wanted too. But at the same time I really didn’t because what if we messed up again? I was responsible for one lost baby, I didn’t want to be responsible for another one. Because we had one car I took him to the studio and dropped him off and then went and run the errands. I paid bills first, including the car insurance, phone, and rent which included utilities. I got lunch in town, something cheap and quick and then went to the grocery store.

The list was long but it was mind-numbing tasks like these that kept me from thinking much, kept me from analyzing the way he looked or acted, stopped me from analyzing my own thoughts. I picked up the list items and found a few we needed that I had forgotten about, like shampoo. But crossing the store took me by the baby section and I actually paused because a very pretty pink dress caught my eye. Before I knew what had occurred I had picked it up and was actually looking at the details. But I finally remembered there would be no baby so I hung it back up, dragged myself away from that section and I finished the shopping. I got back to the house about one and unloaded the car.

“Since when do you have a car?” Abby asked.

“Geez! Why are you here?”

“I came to keep you company, I thought you were home.”

“Zac sent me to run errands like paying bills and groceries. It’s his car, I dropped him off at the studio”

“Nice. Domestic duties, he lets you drive? Does he know your history?”

“Funny, I haven’t had any wrecks.”

“I know. Need help?”

“By all means.”

She grabbed bags and with her help one trip was it. She dropped the bags on the counter and so did I, after making sure we’d closed the car doors I used the keys to lock the car up and then we began to unpack the bags.

“Condoms? You are married and you use these? Really, this the right kind and size?”

“We didn’t have any here but we can’t even use them until I’m cleared. I know what brand and size to get.”

“But you’re married.”

“So? There not just for single people.”

“Well, they are pretty effective for birth control too.”

I paused as I sat the can of beans in the cabinet. “Yeah.”

“I’m assuming he didn’t want children, I know you don’t.”

“Why do you say that? We’ve never even talked about that.”

“We did Gabby, when you were thirteen, my mom had that scare and you said you never wanted them. I assumed that never changed since you really never mention them and the few times we were around them, you wanted nothing to do with the baby.”

I put up a few more canned items. “We haven’t talked about it.”

“Oh, well really I mean not even a year together you might want to wait, probably better.”

I just nodded, because it didn’t matter anyway it didn’t seem like my body would ever give him a baby anyway.

“Oh my god, seriously? You bought him thongs?”

“I did but I doubt I’ll convince him to wear them. But maybe if I play my cards right.”

“Good luck. Have you heard from Max?”

“Not in a couple of weeks. Pretty much ignored his messages because really, what was his point?”

“He did love you like a friend.”

“No he didn’t, if he did he would have supported me more and not hit me or put me into a wall.”

“That is true. Do you think your friendship may survive this?”

I turned and looked at her. “Tell me you weren’t stupid enough to go back to him.”

“We’re not together but we’re talking about things. I love him but I just don’t like the idea of sharing and I don’t think I can. I thought about it but I want something one on one. I wouldn’t mind exploring but what he talks about isn’t that, it’s basically him having sex with multiple women each week.”

“I don’t share, period.”

“I can understand why. Do you think you’d still be with Zac even if you hadn’t gotten married?”

“Yes, but I think I’d be living with Stella instead of here. At least for several months.”

“How is she?”

“She’s fine, we went shopping last week.”

“The fans have died down on their messages.”

“I haven’t really been on Twitter or anything since we got back home, just when we got back I was tired and then the primary and the OB it’s been traveling for records here and there.”

“OB? Why did you see an OB?”

“Yearly exam. I also did ask about birth control but she went over like four different ones and they all had stupidly bad side effects. Bullshit on that. Condoms are cheaper, as effective and no side effects.”

Unless you didn’t use them all the time, in which case the primary side effect is pregnancy and miscarriage. I finished putting away the grocery items and then got the things that needed to go to the bedroom.

“I’ll be right back, going to put these up right quick. Make yourself at home, cups are beside the fridge and there are snack items I just put up beside them. Shouldn’t take me long.”

“Okay.”

She got off the stool and went beside me to get a cup and I grabbed the two bags from the counter and took them to the bedroom, putting the items up took about 15 minutes as I also checked the bandage while I was in the bathroom. At this point it was just making sure there was no blood and the stitches looked fine. When I finished I walked back to the front.

“So, how is your…”

I stopped because she was looking at me very concerned and sitting in her lap was my drawing tablet and she had apparently seen all of the last few.

“Gabriella why do you have more than ten drawings of broken cribs, cracked rattles, leaking bottles and broken toys?”

“It’s just what came to me.”

“Don’t lie to me. This is not what comes to you, these are.”

She flipped back to the dozens of Sierra, naked and not. I tried just ignoring her by going to get a drink and hoping she’d drop it. But she simply stared at me when I sat down beside her and waited.

“I know how you draw Gabriella, I may never have thought it was a good career choice but it doesn’t mean I never paid attention. You draw how you feel and what is in your head. These were all done after New York, after you went to the hospital. Zac told everyone you had your appendix removed, is that true?”

“I have the four inch incision to prove that, that’s why I was there.”

“Talk to me Gabby. Why are you drawing these things? They even get worse as you go, you even have color in this one. Talk to me.”

“I don’t want to talk to you. Isn’t that obvious? I went to the emergency room because my appendix ruptured. It’s nothing more.”

She turned the pad around and flipped the pages, so many drawings of cribs and baby items.

“Then why did these occur? Are you pregnant? Is this because you’re scared?”

“No...”

Yet my eyes never left the page, the broken crib and I could even see the little small tear circles on the page. She was quiet for a moment but it wouldn’t take her long to put the pieces together.

“You aren’t now but you were? You started these after New York, you found out then. Fuck…I’m going to fucking kill Max.”

“It wasn’t his fault, it was mine. Zac asked the doctor about that. I wasn’t far enough along for anything Max did to have an effect. All my fault.”

“Did you do something?”

“I don’t know but when I woke up from the surgery I knew he didn’t tell me everything. Once the others left I asked, he just said the doctor told him I’d…no reason was given.”

“So..Max’s wall thing before that didn’t do anything?”

“No. Pretty sure I was….”

I knew this information but I just couldn’t get the words out of my mouth. They caught right there, unable to come out.

“How come Zac didn’t tell anyone?”

“I told him not too, I didn’t…His Mom lost..”

The tablet was moved and she was suddenly there, pulling me over onto her should. “It’s okay. Sometimes they just happen, it doesn’t mean it was anyone’s fault. Stephanie had two before she had Steven, it just happens sometimes.”

It didn’t help any but I did feel a little better with her arms around me.

“So, um…why you drawing naked women?”

Leave it to Abby to know what to say. “It’s Sierra.”

“THE Sierra?”

“Yeah…she was the drummer for Carrick and Austin, Mikey left. It’s been tense.”

“I’d say so. Tell me about her.”

Talking about Sierra was easy, until I reached the last few conversations which I didn’t mention at all, it was going for three-forty by then and she had to head back home. She had a few classes left and was taking one online and had to sign in at 4:30 for a lecture. I put the tablet in the portfolio and in the process seen the napkin with Tera’s address. I hadn’t been able to throw it away but least it was out of sight most the time. Zac called at 3:50 and I answered.

“You make it home okay?”

“Yep. Errands ran, groceries put up, I remembered shampoo!”

“Good! I’ll need it when I get home. Which should be about six, Taylor and Stella are having dinner and he’s dropping me off.”

“I could come get you.”

“Naa, he can drop me off. Least he can do since he caused me to fall backwards off the stool!”

“Are you okay?”

I went to the bedroom to gather dirty clothes, I hadn’t washed anything in over a week. We were running low on towels.

“Yeah, my back hurts a bit but I was kind of hoping that you wouldn’t mind a back rub after dinner.”

I smiled. “Long as your naked I won’t.”

“Naked huh? That can totally be arranged.”

I giggled. “Sounds like a plan to me.”

“Any idea what you want for dinner?”

“Oh, I know what I want I just can’t have it. But, I got a lasagna so I’ll put it in about five, by the time you get home and settled, should be done.”

I carried the basket over to the laundry room and began tossing them in.

“What can’t you have? I didn’t recall any diet restrictions.”

“I can’t have you naked and doing a lot more than laying there. Couple more weeks.”

He giggled. “Couple more weeks. Just checkin in, making sure you’re okay.”

“I am. Abby came over for a bit, but she left a little while ago, she has a lecture online.”

“Nice, no Max though?”

“Nope.”

“That’s good. Okay, gonna head up and get busy. Couple hours and I’ll be home.”

“Okay, love you. See you in a bit.”

“I love you. See you soon.”

I hung-up and finished loading the machine, set the dials and started it and then headed to the front to pick up, but there was something by the door. I walked over and there was a large eight by ten envelope laying in the floor, I opened the door because it obviously was pushed under, but no one was outside.

“Strange.”

I closed the door and picked up the envelope. My name was printed in black ink on the front, there was no address or return address, so someone had to have dropped it off. I walked to the couch and sat down, opened it. I pulled out a set of pictures, the backs were to me so I laid the envelope down and then turned them around.

Then I just stared, the one on top was Zac and some blonde girl, his arms were around her and while all I saw was her hair, it looked like she might be kissing him, at the bottom of the page it said N. Dakota. The next one showed him with another girl, different shirt and she had highlights of green, I actually remembered that hair color, Utah was on the bottom. Utah was after I told him why Sierra called me kitten, after discussing actual wedding plans. The next one was from Seattle and it was outside beside the bus, the same blonde whose key card I’d taken, how could he do that right there? It explained why she was such a bitch during the show.

The next photos wasn’t sexual just loving, it was labeled Indiana. I really wanted to stop but I kept flipping them and Michigan, some girl was pinned against the wall, while Max had cornered me, put me into a wall he’d been fucking some blonde bitch. It explained why Sierra came first and even Austin! The next picture seemed to seal it, he was in a car with some blonde in his lap, I was pretty certain since she was naked he was partially. But at the bottom it said Rochester, NY. While I was in a hospital he was out fucking someone. The next three came from some of the last few shows and hell the very last one was dated the day I had the appointment for the OB!

I just kept flipping through them, realizing that Maxwell had been right all along, he’d never even stopped. He had just lied to me, so what the hell was I to him? A cover? I’d lost a friend because I thought he really did care about me, but these pictures just proved he didn’t. I think what really hurt was he knew about the miscarriage before I did, it did explain why lack of sex didn’t bother him, he was off with everyone else, he didn’t need to come to me. Then why the fuck did he want the theatre? Recreating some bullshit time with someone else?

It felt like the ring on my finger was burning through. Everything was a lie. My gut reaction was to go to Maxwell, he’d make everything better. But I had told him for months that Zac had changed and I’d told him I wouldn’t go to him if it turned out he was right. I couldn’t call Abby either she’d call him. But I could feel that pain again, the same shit I felt when Shawn left and when Max walked out. He wasn’t telling me to leave, fuck that. I started to call Sierra but she didn’t fucking care either.

If he’s not making you scream then look me up. I can make sure you scream and get that confused look in your eyes to just go away.

It was like autopilot that I got up and found the napkin, printed neatly was her phone number and address. I didn’t need the number. I took one more look at the photos and it was his face in every one of them, I laid them out on the table and placed my phone down on top, the last thing I did was put my wedding band on top of the New York one. I then got up and left as bad as it hurt, I couldn’t handle it. I no longer knew what to do.

I arrived at the two story brick house at 6:30, I was barely able to even speak as the entire walk took far too long and allowed me to think far too much. I rang the bell and for a moment I wondered if this was even her address. But when the door opened, there she was. Her hair was still red and she was wearing a mini skirt, corset top that showed the soft cleavage I really wanted to be against right now. She had her heels on too, making her slightly taller. I had no idea what the hell I looked like.

For a moment I feared she was going to turn me away and if she did I was fucked. But she smiled and held her hand out and I gladly took it, letting her pull me into her arms.

“It’s okay Sugar, come inside.”

I followed her inside which was just as nice as outside. She lead me away from the main room and to the back. Never asked what was wrong she found a room that had no one in it and when she sat down she pulled me into her lap. She didn’t care that I cried, didn’t care that I just clung to her. She just told me it was okay and that she was there. I have no idea how long I sat there with her but around eleven maybe we went to the front, several people I recognized.

“Skyefrost! Where the hell have you been? And what the fuck are you wearing? Are those granny pants? You got granny panties on too?!”

“Daniel, shut up.” Tera said.

“What? She waltz in wearing that shit come on.”

“Ignore him Sugar, you know how he is.”

“She should know how I am.” He wiggled his eyebrow at me.

I did know him, including what position he liked, but I didn’t want that I just wanted to feel normal again. Included and loved. So, I sat beside her and not them.

“Fuck, you really going to be a lesbian now? God damn Skye, I was hoping for a lot more.”

“Keep wishing, only bed she’s coming to is mine.” Tera said.

I hadn’t planned hers either but whatever, I liked the way she hadn’t told me what to feel, what to do, or what I needed to do. She’s held me as I cried, kissed my forehead when I needed it, and told me shit would be fine. It was Kyle that brought out the bag of white powder.

“You joining us Skyebell?”

“No.”

For an hour I watched them and the thoughts came back, seeing him in the car with her in his lap, seeing him with blondes while I was laid up in a hospital, cramping because my body said no to a pregnancy I didn’t even know I wanted. I guess I was wrong about their possibly being another baby for him, it was apparently very possible. Yet, he’d stood there and told me it wasn’t true, when he knew it was. I could almost taste the powder on my tongue. I really shouldn’t though, it wouldn’t solve anything.

“Sugar?” Tera asked.

“Yeah?”

“One line won’t hurt you, may help calm those thoughts down.”

Guess it was clear there was a dozen running though my head. “I shouldn’t…”

I knew I shouldn’t, one line would lead to two and then three…but her warm eyes were looking at me and then she leaned in and playfully nipped my ear lobe.

“But you want to.” Her voice was low, seductive even.

“But I shouldn’t, Tera.”

Daniel cut several more lines and again I could taste it. She got up and left me sitting in the chair and she settled down across from him, he cut the two lines in front of her.

“Whatever is making you sad, let us take it away for a while. Face it later Skye.” He said.

I really shouldn’t but god I hurt so bad, he hadn’t left but it felt worse than when Shawn left and worse than when Maxwell left me there. Tera turned around and held her hand out again, such a simple gesture as someone wanting me there.

“Come on, I’ll take good care of you. You know I will sugar.”

I shouldn’t have but I took her hand and she lead me to where she had been in the floor, with two lines on the mirror. I leaned over and I could see the redness in my eyes, the puffiness, and the sadness. Sierra said live in reality. Reality was I was nothing more than a whore. I couldn’t be his wife, I couldn’t be a mother, all I would be is what I was right now. Nothing.

The two perfect lines on the glass were pure white cocaine and they both burned like hell when I sniffed them up.

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