Chapter 15: The Fan

POV: Gabby

May 2, 2008: Allentown, PA

I felt better from the surgery and not as groggy as before but I was still drawing cracked cribs, broken rattles, and a new one involved broken hearts. It made no sense to me but who cared but me? Reality was here and now and nothing I did would change it. I’d avoided everyone on the bus except Zac, as long as I was near him I didn’t quite feel the need to run, didn’t feel the need to drown myself in vodka either. Sierra barely acknowledged me anymore, which was fine. It kept the bus free of tension and my not really interacting was keeping everyone sane I guess. I had participated in the Falls Church, Virginia walk and despite the excessive comments about my weight I’d managed to keep my anger in check. I’d simply ignored that anyone else was there even if I did almost get run over by some guy on a bike. Least it wasn’t a car.

The morning for me was spent viewing the dozen e-mails from Simon, they now were just put downs. No pictures, so I rarely opened them. I already knew how worthless and useless I was, I didn’t need a reminder. Max had sent a few e-mails included pictures of us as kids, wanting me to remember the good times. I saved the pictures but mostly deleted them too. I did send Shawn a few dozen of the ones I’d taken and I sent Abby some as well. I then occupied the time around lunch with fiddling with the graphics programs. There was no need to draw, I knew what would come out. Here, it seemed less but nothing seemed really good.

I ate lunch with Zac before the walk because really, he wouldn’t let me just not eat, so I may as well at least enjoy the company. I then helped them chose a route, because I couldn’t do hills, they had to chose something I could handle or provide me an alternate route back. I felt pretty good when we walked out, felt okay as we started and yeah I heard a few talking but nothing major. A quarter in my phone rang and it was Max.

“What do you want?”

“Where are you?”

“Walking, where I am doesn’t matter.”

“Whatever. Did you release any of the pictures that Newton took of you?”

“No but some existed before. Why do you care?”

“Because one of you topless with black hair just got tweeted to you. Guess you should care now.”

He then hung-up and I checked and by now the four Carrick had found had been tweeted to me with bad and negative messages. The few around me must have gotten them too. It wasn’t bad but the picture of me in Sierra’s lap seemed to be the favorite especially when people connected who she was. The next messages were all ones about us, because suddenly we were dating and Zac and I was just a cover and I was using him.

We stopped for the mid-way speech which I barely listened to now because I had it memorized. But I could hear them whispering around me, I was a whore and a slut, I was using him, the unlikely he was having sex with us both, and for some reason it was beginning to bother me. Max calling had irritated me and these comments were just adding to it.

Sierra seemed to materialize from nowhere. “I told you they’d get worse.”

“Nothing that wasn’t already out there.”

She leaned in very close which seemed to set off the ones around me, I swear the camera clicks were making music!

“It won’t take long to find the others.”

“Thought you weren’t talking to me?”

“Fantasy land is coming down Skye.”

They shifted and began to walk and I followed the beginning, staying near Isaac. A few times he looked back like he heard the fat whale comments, the ones calling me a tramp, and I was just not feeling this today. I’d walked away last time because I just couldn’t and here I was again. We stopped at the corner to cross and they just kept on. I moved closer to Ike hoping that maybe they’d back off if someone in the band actually heard them but that did nothing.

“Stacy did you hear? There is a girl from Rochester saying she hooked up with Zac after the show and she might be pregnant.”

“Wow, I wonder how Mrs. Whale would respond to that.”

They laughed but I knew damn well he hadn’t, they’d packed up and left and he, Taylor and I had drive to Albany the next day when I was released. He had been with them the whole time.

“He’ll probably divorce the slut and go be with his baby’s mama.”

I dug my nails in, but it was a quick reminder that I wouldn’t ever be his baby’s mom. I was just fucked up and he deserved so much better than me. We paused again to cross and I saw Sierra move up beside me.

“Kitten?” She asked.

“Oh my god, kitten? Meek little kitten no wonder he’s just fucking everything around and impregnating other women!”

She looked stunned when I stopped and turned around. “You need to shut the fuck up little girl before I shut you up. I’ve had about enough of your fucking comments. I am not a tramp. Your Rochester bitch is the tramp and if you want to keep calling me names, do it to my face.”

She stood there and blinked and I swear I heard the birds chirping over the silence. She and her friends simply stood there very quietly, stunned looks as if they didn’t think I could hear them. Most everyone had stopped.

“We…we weren’t talking about you.” She stammered.

“Bull shit. You said my name not five minutes ago when you called me a fat whale, might want to look in the mirror before you start calling other people names. But, really you’re just a bunch of fucking cowards. You talk behind my back like you think I can’t hear you. I am no meek little kitten, you may want to spread the word little girl I’m done taking your insults. You need a new hobby.”

“Gabriella.” Isaac said.

He got my arm and I pulled away from him. “No. I’m done with this pathetic childish shit.”

I pulled away and headed off to the venue. I heard her shoes on the pavement behind though, what the fuck was her problem?

“Go away.”

“Not a chance.”

I turned on her. “Fuck you. You lay your bullshit guilt at my feet and act like you’re some high mighty bitch. I ran but you didn’t have the balls to fucking find me. Not once in seven fucking years did you try. You want to say I ran because you told me you loved me? Fuck that. I made the right choice because you would have just fucking walked away.”

“Calm down Kitten.”

“Calm down? This is what you wanted!” I yelled.

“What I wanted was for you to stop taking this shit and just brushing it aside. Say something. But you don’t have to hit them to get your point across with them or me.”

“Fuck this.”

I turned and headed back, ignored her the rest of the path. I slammed the door behind me, but there was nothing I could do. I had nothing here that I could take the anger out on. Nothing but the drums but that could bust the stitches which would be even worse. So I stuck to pacing back and forth in front of the stage. I heard Isaac scream my name and I didn’t bother to tell them where I was.

“What the hell was that?” Isaac yelled.

He was livid and he had reason, they were fans and they cared about their fans. Fuck I really didn’t like to think Maxwell was right. Zac may care, but did the others really see me as anything but the bitch that got him drunk and married him? Always on the outside.

“You heard them Isaac. Do you just expect me to take it and go?”

“In fact I do. You have the whole fucking tour, I am sure they are not the only ones that have said something.”

I saw Taylor and Zac running down the side of the venue followed by the rest of the crew.

“That’s the whole problem, I never should have. I should have told the first fucking bitch that called me a whore to shut her trap. But I was being nice.”

“Nice? This is nice?”

“Isaac.” Taylor said.

Zac moved in front of me and I could see where this was going really fast. They had a show tonight and this didn’t need to effect that. I was yet again on the outside, I couldn’t win this. It didn’t matter what Zac said now, fact is the fans supported them and I wasn’t anything but the girl he drunkenly married.

“It’s not right, she can’t just unload on fans for no good reason. We’ve all dealt with being called names, how many called you a girl Taylor?”

“Not the same Isaac.”

“She can’t just do that!”

“Be lucky she didn’t stomp her ass.” Sierra said.

“What the hell do you mean?” Taylor asked.

“Shut up Sierra.” I snapped.

“No, let her talk. Perhaps we need to know this.” Isaac said.

“It’s nothing. It’s not who I am!” I said.

“Gabby.” Zac said.

I looked at him expecting some form of support but just the look said he really was on their side here. I really should have expected that since fans are important to them. But, really I expected that wives and girlfriends would trump even fans.

“Fine, everyone just wants another reason to hate me anyway. I jumped a girl when I was 17, beat the hell out of her because she was doing the exact same shit. Constantly calling me names, putting me down, and I tried telling her to back off and she wouldn’t. I snapped and it was just good that Newton was there to pull me off her. Six months probation and a sealed juvenile record. The most illegal thing I’ve done wasn’t drugs, it was assault.”

I then just walked away. I found a room with a locking door and I locked myself in because I needed to calm down and I needed to be away from everyone to do that. It helped that none of them knew what room I went too. I could hear Carrick and his band doing sound check and then I heard the boys do sound check.

I had regretted hitting her after when I was calmer, didn’t even care that I had probation and community service, it was all sealed in my juvenile record because I wasn’t even 18 when probation was over. I’d done very well after that with containing things and dealing with them. I wasn’t stupid I know the fans are what keeps them in business and any actions I or even their girlfriends done could effect that. Would it make everyone of them hate us? Not likely. But I didn’t want the fans to hate me because I understood being the fan of something. I’d been a fan of music my entire life.

I’d done very well until today, why would today be any different? But it really wasn’t the day or the comments, reality was I wasn’t the wife he needed. I checked my phone about eight, I made fan headlines again. Now I was insane and so jealous of the fans, I was rude and intolerable, I guess my explosion didn’t matter, they no more cared how I felt than anyone else did. About 8:15 I got up, I couldn’t hide here all night. I was rather shocked to see Zac sitting across from the door, dressed for the show and ready but just sitting there.

“I figured you’d come out before we went on stage.”

“How long have you been sitting there?”

“Right after sound check, figured quiet meant you were okay but you know any loud noises and I was breaking the door down.”

“You didn’t have too.”

He got up. “Of course I did. You are my wife Gabriella and I love you. I have no idea what happened but when you stormed out Sierra stopped me, told me it was better if I left you alone for a bit that you would calm down and when you were ready, you’d find us.”

“No need to find anyone, I’m pretty sure I have a ticket home by now. I was just going to pack.”

“Why would you have a ticket home, there are four shows left.”

“I screamed at fans, pretty sure I insulted them too. Pretty sure Ike’s going to send me home.”

“Ike isn’t sending you anywhere. Sierra kind of pointed it out at the hospital, I guess I didn’t quite think it was bothering you as much as it was. I saw tweets, I saw the messages going back months Gabby. They’re horrible and I guess on some level I thought you’d be like Stella and Nicole, able to shake it off and move on, you really seemed to be doing that but Sierra kind of pointedly told me that you aren’t them.”

“I tried to be, I kept telling myself that they’d eventually stop. I don’t know what happen today.”

“Sierra said she heard them talking about New York and while you were agitated before that done it. What did they say?”

“That one of their friends hooked up with you after the show.”

“Which you know isn’t true.”

“That’s not what done it, her friend told her she was pregnant by you.”

“Which you know isn’t true. Why didn’t you just tell me it was bothering you this badly?”

“So you can what Zac? Post on Twitter to be nice to me? It didn’t work before, you refused to go out because of a few. They just blamed me. Pretty use to it, it’s always been my fault.”

He closed the gap and moved some of my hair. “It’s not your fault. You aren’t doing anything to them and you don’t deserve to have them constantly putting you down. You have every right to stand up to them and defend yourself. Is Ike upset? Yeah, he is. Is Tay upset? Yep.”

“Is Zac upset? You are.”

“I’m upset with me for not recognizing that this was a major problem. I’m not upset with you.”

“But they’re your fans.”

“Yes. But fans come and go Gabriella. The ones doing this obviously aren’t good fans, I mean why would they hurt you knowing that would affect me too?”

“How does it affect you?”

“I love you, whatever hurts you does me too. They hurt you and it hurts me to see you that way. I don’t really know what would make them stop, but really Gabriella you are more important to me than they are. They may not even be fans next year, they may never come to another show again, but you will always be there.”

“But...Ike’s right I can’t just…”

“No, Ike wasn’t right.” He said.

I blinked, where has he come from?! He’s just literally like materialized there.

“What?”

“I wasn’t right, while I don’t believe beating the shit out of a fan is the proper way to handle it. I thought they weren’t that bad really, I didn’t realize the extent; I just heard mild stuff I didn’t hear it all. You didn’t hit anyone and you only told them to basically say it to you and not behind you.”

“But you are upset, so was Taylor.”

“We all were because we didn’t understand, we know there are fans that are quite brutal. We’ve seen the comments on the weight and all, but you can’t let that affect who you are. Honestly, you have done remarkable the whole tour. Are the fans the reason Sierra saved you before the appendix?”

“It was a combination of them, the pain, and the hill.”

“I’m sorry I reacted that way.”

His hugs didn’t feel like he felt that way and I was sure it was more Zac telling him to apologize than him really wanting too. But I didn’t say anything, I still had a week before the end of the tour. Because they had to go on the conversation was cut short. Yet I was a bit shocked that Isaac addressed the issues at the start of the show, it would probably just make everything worse but I watched anyway. I would be glad when we were back home and away from nosey, rude bitchy fans.

When the show ended that night I stayed out of the way as they loaded everything, I watched from the back door as the boys signed autographs, took pictures, and interacted with the fans. The one I screamed at seemed to snicker at me when he signed her book, like she’s won something major. The fact that he declined to hug her or take another picture pretty much said she hadn’t won shit. Especially when the next girl got all three. I followed him to the bus when he nodded to me, she was still there and I just couldn’t resist I waved at her as I got on the bus. She got an autograph, I got to do whatever I wanted.

We settled into the back for the ride to Lancaster, it didn’t feel tense.

“So, you beat some chick up?” Austin asked.

I looked over at him. “Yeah.”

“Never would have thought you to be the violent type. Is that why you are so good at blowing them up on games?!”

I giggled a bit. “Maybe. It wasn’t who I wanted to be so I just worked on not resorting to that behavior.”

“I think you did a good job. I mean, one girl isn’t bad.”

“Well..she wasn’t the first girl I’d ever hit but she was the only one I hit more than once.”

“More than one?”

“Should I be alarmed?” Zac asked.

“What? You think Abby stays away when I’m mad because she just wants too? No, she learned the hard way. She over stepped it after Shawn left. The only other girl was at school, didn’t like how she tripped Abby.”

“And Abby never warned me.” Zac said.

The others giggled but Sierra still stared, she didn’t even know about Abby. So, news to her too. Zac and several others started a game and I decided that reading was needed, so I found a good action drama story and began to read, choosing to go to bed when Zac did.