Chapter 14: Reality

POV: Gabby

April 29, 2008

4 am…I should be asleep but I couldn’t sleep. I wasn’t the only one because Zac was playing video games with Andrew and Carrick was curled up in the corner reading, the last week had been different.

Bailey hadn’t wasted any time posting the pictures she’d taken. Some fans were honestly shocked that I’d bothered to be nice to her, others were shocked that I could actually draw that well, but it didn’t stop the ones that hated me. Increased them a bit because they felt I was doing it just because I needed too or because I was just there. She thankfully did not post the blurry photos of Ella and I. It was unfocused, blurry, and it was clear that I had been terrified and Ella was screaming.

I hadn’t really shown Zac the drawings I had done the last few days, honestly they scared me. They weren’t necessarily dark but they had a lot of broken cribs, cracked rattles, leaking bottles, and broken toys. I didn’t understand them at all, I didn’t want kids. I’d never saw myself as a mother. Why then would I draw these things over and over and over again?!

“Quit running me off the road dude!” Andrew said.

“Then speed up, I’m trying to win here.”

“Win? You’re both the last two racers dude, if Gabs was playing she’d be sitting at the finish line laughing by now.” Carrick said.

They all looked at me and I gave the best fake smile I could. “Truth.”

“I really don’t want to say a girl beat me.” Andrew said.

“It doesn’t feel as bad as it sounds.” Zac said.

“You should know, she’s stomped your ass on every race there is.” Carrick said.

“I’m learning man! Give me a break.”

Andrew and Zac both agreed to restart the race, they were so far behind it was impossible for either of them to win. I turned the page and tried to think of a naked husband, naked Sierra, hell I’d even take Max or Simon at this point. I just didn’t want to see another broken crib. I was about to start another one when my phone pinged. I picked it up and about fainted.

“Who thinks you’re awake this time of the morning?” Andrew asked.

Just as he rounded a corner and flew right off the road. “Well, Max is alive.”

“What did he say?” Zac asked.

“Just wants to know if I’m awake.”

He snorted but he wouldn’t tell me not to reply, Sierra would have. I stared at the message, recalling the last few moments of that conversation. How he just didn’t seem like the Maxwell I knew.

I’m up.

Are you okay? Abigail finally reached me.

I blinked because Abigail told me she hadn’t even bothered since Monday. That she’d left the message and that was it for her.

Stop lying. Abigail cut you off Monday. What do you want?

Are you okay?!

I’m fine.

Gabriella. Come on, you know it was an accident. You know I don’t want to hurt you.

I re-read the message and all I could hear in my head was Zac’s voice. Those words over and over and over, like a broken record. Max had nothing to do with that though. Yet, he could have very well have killed me if the appendix had ruptured there in the cubby area, if we left without knowing I could have died. That was the reason for the hospital. But where was this little bubble of anger coming from?

Accident? No. What you did was no accident. Fuck that shit, you aren’t going to pull a Simon on me and claim it was just an accident. Own up to your actions Maxwell. You’ll be happy to know you didn’t “cause” my hospital stay, go ahead, admit it that’s all you want to know.

It was an accident! That’s not all I want to know!

Four years Maxwell. You left me standing there begging you to stay and you see how I reacted then, if you have ANY hope of ever being my friend again, I’d suggest you just leave me the fuck alone. I’ll contact YOU when I feel like I can trust your words. Goodbye means Goodbye.

He sent another ten messages but I ignored every single one. About six we went to bed, I could sleep late really because I couldn’t do anything again. Some wife I was, we weren’t even married 6 months and most of the times I’d been on no activity status. He didn’t seem to mind though, but with what happen I guess he was afraid of a repeat.

I got up at 1 when they went for lunch. The surgery had cut the bloating issues, so what I thought was just excessive weight was just bloating and water, the jeans fit again but I was wearing the larger ones still because the doctor ordered it. I was still mostly asleep at lunch and I considered going back to sleep but I’d done a lot of that already. The walk would be nice and I hadn’t attended one in a while.

“Would it hurt me to walk with you guys today?” I asked.

“The doctor didn’t forbid walking, but you can’t speed walk.” Zac said.

“I think it would help you actually, you’ve been kind of sluggish. I guess the medication the doctor has you on to cause.” Taylor said.

“Sluggish?” I asked.

“Yeah, you don’t normally sleep all day and all night.”

Yeah, well, I don’t usually…no, I couldn’t think of that word. I was in the hospital for appendix issues.

“Maybe.”

I was with them when they planned because incase I fell behind it would let me know where to go. Sierra came in before we went outside, declared she was walking too. I didn’t think that meant she was walking with me though, she really hadn’t said much to me since the confrontation in the room in Royal Oaks. I actually listened to Taylor’s speech, not that it had changed and then we set out. It was near instant that a selected few fans began their banter. I was still “fat” according to them, I was still cheating, and he was still finding blondes. I ignored them for the first half.

“Bet she can’t make the hill.” She remarked.

“Last time she tried she nearly fell out, remember Flora telling us.”

“Oh god, yes that was hilarious.”

Sierra looked over at me and I was trying very hard to remain calm, but I hadn’t felt this in years. We followed Isaac and they kept on, even he was turning and looking at them. We paused at a red light, waiting for it to change, Isaac was talking about their trip to Africa, which was before I met them.

“She looks like a tramp, she probably is.”

“You know they found a picture of her with some heavy metal band. Oh my god. You have to see it, she looked like the band’s personal little toy.”

I turned my fingers in, let the ends of my nails dig into my palm. I was not the person Sierra knew seven years ago. They truly had no right to talk about me but I also didn’t want to piss off anyone, namely Isaac and Taylor and especially not Zac. They kept talking and because I knew I was about to say something I just moved away and started down the street. I’d beat them back but that was fine. I could hear the shoes on the pavement behind me and turned.

“Don’t follow me back, I don’t need a babysitter.”

“Sure about that? Last time you went off alone you ended up in the hospital.”

“Yeah, I would have ended up there regardless to what happened that day Sierra. It had nothing to do with Max.”

“Still.”

“Whatever.”

I went back to the venue and they let us both back inside but I just wanted a quiet corner somewhere to calm down.

“You want to tell me what the problem is now?”

“I told you, I don’t have one.”

“Seven years Skye. You just left, you didn’t bother to find me, you didn’t bother to call me, you just left.”

“I told you! I caught Newton with Mary.”

“I don’t believe that’s why you left, I believe you caught him because really he’d been fucking her for weeks. That’s not why you left Skye.”

“I caught my boyfriend having sex with another woman, what other reason did I need?”

“Then turn around and tell me to my face that you didn’t leave because I told you I loved you.”

Not happening, not now. I just needed to get the fuck away from everyone, I started down to the stage, trying to get away and she just followed.

“You can’t can you? You didn’t leave because you caught him, did you?”

I was not having this conversation right now, not ever really. I was trying my best to get away from her and just find a nice, quiet room where I was forget the world existed.

“Damnit Skye talk to me! You’ve been acting like I don’t exist since I got on this fucking tour. You don’t want to really talk to me, you don’t hang out with me, all we do is argue. It is not me. It’s you. Face it Skye, you ran away because of me. Because you couldn’t deal with the fact that you were in love with a girl. You used Newton and Mary as an excuse to just fucking run.”

I stopped near the stage and looked at her. “I left because I caught them.”

“No, that’s not why. You never believe anyone when they tell you they love you. You say the words back but you don’t ever believe them yourself.”

“You didn’t love me Sierra, you just loved the sex with me. You loved that I was some wild ass party girl who had no restrains on anything. You loved that I’d drink until I couldn’t move, I’d do whatever drugs you put in front of me, you loved the idea of that person. You never loved me.”

“Bullshit. There was a lot more to you than that. You should know I’d never tell you I loved you without meaning it. Do you even believe Zac?”

“Yes.”

“You’re lying. You don’t believe him you follow along but you’re still living in a fucking fantasy world.”

I snorted. “I stopped living in a fantasy world when I met Simon.”

“Really? The mysterious guy that no one talks about. You never stopped, you’re still there. Thinking everything is fine and dandy.”

“Simon is my ex-boyfriend, the one right before Zac. Simon didn’t believe in fairy tales or happy endings, all he believed in was absolute control. I didn’t cut my hair, he did. I didn’t want to stop dying it but he made me. When I touched it up he spanked me and when he was certain I couldn’t sit down for days he held me down and cut it, just because I touched it up. When he found out that I’d been with a lot of guys before him, he told me I had no rights to ever tell him no. Believe me Sierra, he didn’t give a shit if I told him no. He’d just spank me and do it anyway. I stopped believing in fairy tales a long time ago.”

“Then what’s the problem?”

I guessed no one cared if I was upset, what was a little more stress? I couldn’t do anymore harm now, I’d already…No! Can’t go there! It was clear she wasn’t going to back off and the boys should be back shortly too, so there was no point in dragging it on.

“I already knew he was cheating on me. Catching him was the perfect excuse to get the fuck off that bus. No one ever loved me Sierra, it’s not possible. Jacob told me that many years ago. Shawn left because of me, because he hated me. Max left because of me, because I was too clingy. I didn’t leave because you loved me, I left because I loved you. I left because I couldn’t handle you walking away like Shawn and Max did. It was far better to be the one leaving than the one being left. Are you happy now?”

“No because you fucking left, you didn’t even give me a chance.”

“You don’t get it Sierra. I couldn’t. Shawn is my brother and he just walked away, 12 fucking years he was there. He was the only reason I had to live and deal with Jacob. I was sure when he turned 18 we’d leave. But he left me there with a simple note that said he hated me. Max was like a replacement. I loved him and I wanted to be with him, but he just walked away. I didn’t even really get a reason, he just left. I couldn’t handle you walking away from me, I couldn’t risk that heartache anymore. Your words scared the fuck out of me and I had to go.”

“Yet you married Zac after fourteen fucking days? He drops the love word and you just fall into the chapel?”

“He didn’t tell me he loved me until New Years.”

“Are you fucking kidding me? You went and married a guy you didn’t even love? How stupid is that?”

“As stupid as every other decisions in my life because he didn’t ask Sierra. I suggested it as a joke. Neither of us thought it was real, we were going to talk when we got home but things happened and then I was nearly killed. I figured if he was willing to sit at the hospital day and night with me then he cares and that was all I wanted at the time.”

“So you don’t love him at all, you’re just using him?”

“No. I love him and he loves me.”

“Bullshit.”

I really couldn’t take another person hounding me over this marriage, I just couldn’t. I really just couldn’t deal with this.

“You can’t run Skye, there is nowhere for you to go. You just have to face reality because you don’t live in a fantasy world. I was ready to be the person that loved you endlessly, forever and you just left. You think Tera didn’t call me and tell me you were there? How you jumped her the moment you arrived. Maybe it was best we didn’t talk about this. Sorry I asked. I’ll just pretend there is nothing here because that’s how you cope with everything apparently. Just pretend it doesn’t exist.”

She walked by me and went up to the stage to make sure their equipment was set up right. I stood there until it was clear she was going to do just that, I then turned and walked to the bus, I really wanted to cut down the side and just run and never look back. Instead I sat down at the table inside.

I’d just pretend it never happened.

No one will ever love you Gabriella. You should know that by now. We took you in for the check, not because we love you. Everyone will leave.

I never loved you Gabby, it was just sex. Come on you knew that. It’s not my fault.

I got up and got the drawing pad again, maybe this time it’ll be something else, something brighter. I could only hope but what came out was nothing less than the last few had been. Only darker.

“Gabby?” Zac asked.

I looked up and found him standing there in front of me. “Yeah?”

“You okay? Sierra said you just came out here.”

“I can’t do anything inside, I just wanted to be somewhere familiar.”

“Draw anything good?”

I glanced down at the dark crib with cracks running through it. “Na, just doodling mostly.”

“One of the fans asked about you, she saw you picture, asked if you really drew it. She was impressed.”

“Must have been in the rear of the bunch.”

“She was, dead last almost. Isaac said you cut out early, were you in pain?”

Technically yes. “No. Just didn’t feel like finishing, I knew there was that hill and it might be best to avoid them.”

He slid into the seat and laid his chin on my knees. “Want to go get dinner?”

“Dinner? Don’t you have a sound check?”

“Honey it’s after 6, out sound check is done. Isaac and Taylor ordered pizza but I really don’t want pizza. I want something different.”

“Anything particular in mind?”

He smiled which meant he did. “There is a diner about a mile from here, other direction from the walk. They make the best milkshakes in the world.”

“The best in the world? Really?”

“Homemade ice cream, fresh cream, any topping and even cherries.”

“Glass cups?”

“Lined with chocolate.”

“You have my vote.”

I closed the tablet and he let me up, it was nice to walk with him without the other 400 women around us. He had not lied about the milkshakes either, I’d ordered one thinking he had to be exaggerating a bit. I ended up finishing the first one before we even got the plates, ordered a second one this time going with something super fucking sweet.

“The venue manager told us when we came in that he heard you and Sierra arguing. Is everything okay?”

“Yep.”

“What was it about? Because the two of you hardly talk.”

“Nothing important, we’ve agreed to ignore each other.”

He paused mid-bite and looked at me. “Agreed to?”

“She wants me to be someone I’m not. I can’t be her wild sex kitten anymore, she’ll just have to deal with it.”

“That is true, mostly.”

“Sound check go okay?”

“Yeah, Taylor did a good job with the wires and stuff, the venue staff pitched in too.”

“I feel like I should be in a bubble.”

“Eh, the bubble wouldn’t have stopped the appendix honey.”

“True.”

“Did you find a doctor in town?”

“Yeah, I made an appointment for May 9th, it’s the Friday after we get in. It’s for 3pm.”

“Who did you go with?”

“Your recommendation, the others had iffy reviews.”

“You’ll like him, I know you will. Did you um..make the other one?”

“No. I asked Stella but I didn’t like the reviews. I sent Nicole an e-mail and asked, she hasn’t replied yet.”

“Did Stella ask why?”

“Nope. I told her it was for a routine checkup.”

We finished dinner and I finished that second shake and we walked back to the venue, but I went to the bus it was more solitary than inside. I tried reading, tried fiddling with the programs but I wasn’t making much progress there, and I ended up drawing again. Another cracked rattle and after that I just put everything up and sat in the back in the quiet room. It remained absolutely silent until after the show and after they were done with loading us back up. Only then did the silence give way to conversations, laughter, and jokes. Yet, Sierra sat across from me and while she participated in the conversations around us, it was me she was staring at.

You just have to face reality because you don’t live in a fantasy world.

Reality. Reality was no one would ever love me, I’d just be there to show off. Reality was the fans would never like me, they’d never care who I was or what I could do. Reality was Maxwell and Simon were right, I had no ability to make decisions on my own. Reality was that I was just a whore and no matter what I done, I’d never be anything else. Reality was Simon was right, I was useless. Reality was I was still on the outside, like I always had been.

I felt my hand unconsciously lay across my abdomen. The reality was I had lost a baby. I’d miscarried.