Chapter 13: Denial is a gift
POV: Gabby
April 21, 2008
The nurses pissed me off coming in multiple times through the night, I’d get comfortable and barely asleep and then they’d want to come in and move me around and change the pads under me or change the gown. How did they expect patients to rest?! The whole nothing there was unpleasant too. After the second time I sent Zac to the sofa, because he had a show to do and walk to attend, he needed sleep. The nurse came in at 7 to rearrange me and I paused her.
“Is there any way I can get a pad or something and a shower?”
She smiled warmly. “You hate that too huh? I hated it as well. Do you feel like it’s not as heavy?”
“Yeah, the cramping isn’t as bad either.”
She looked at the machine. “You are still getting low doses of pain medication. Let me do a check and I’ll ask the head nurse.”
She spent 15 minutes checking bandages, checking IV’s, temperature, pain levels, and in her words ‘flow rate’, which I was glad Zac just slept through that. She then stepped out of the room. I thought about everything but what he said.
It was an appendix issue and nothing Max did caused it. That was all I needed to think about. She came back in about 20 minutes later with a package of pads and what looked like mesh underwear. She unhooked the IV, taped my hand in plastic and smiled.
“Shower time. Do you want me to wake your husband?”
“No. I assume someone has to be there?”
“Yes.”
“You’re okay or any female nurse.”
She was the one that stayed, clearly I landed a good nurse. She even remained outside unless I had to have her. Which when it came to the funky underwear I had to ask what the hell was up.
“There from labor and delivery, new moms use them.”
“Oh..”
New Mom’s.. No. I was here simply because my appendix ruptured and tried to kill me. She didn’t say anything else but did change the bedding and then settled me back down and bandaged me up. New IV tubes, new bags and all. Great two cuts to the same area. Zac sat up about 9:30.
“Did you shower?”
“How do you even know?”
“Your hair is wet.”
“Yeah, the nurse got me up about an hour ago maybe. New bedding, new tubes, clean bandages, and I have mesh panties.”
“Mesh?”
I even showed him and he no more understood the reason than I did, why would anyone want mesh underwear?!
“Do you feel better?”
“Yeah, doctor hasn’t been in yet but I don’t think there sending me home today.”
“Doubtful, but I don’t know how to work this. None of us can stay all day. Taylor and Isaac said miss the walk if needed but I can’t miss the show and the opening peeps can’t either.”
“I’m in a hospital Zac, what’s the worse than can happen?”
“Max shows up, they don’t allow me to block people here.”
“Does he even know I am here? Pretty sure you didn’t call him.”
“Abigail called him.”
“That good or bad?”
“Bad for him considering she didn’t know he was here or anything about what you mentioned. I’m not sure she doesn’t blame him either.”
“He’s not going to show up here. I’ll be fine, I mean I have round the clock care and they’re going to feed me and give me whatever I want basically. You have obligations and you can’t just avoid them because I’m here. I’m going to be okay.”
He frowned. “But you’ll be alone.”
“I’ll be fine.”
I was actually wanting to be alone. It took some convincing but he finally agreed. Taylor and Isaac brought him an early lunch and they brought my laptop to me also, least I could browse or whatever while they were off walking and playing. They remained here at the hospital until after two, the walk was moved to three today, so they had to leave then to make it. It was different being in a quiet room, without them talking about how much I scared them, without the banter between them or the general noise. About 2:30 Abigail called me.
“Hey Abby.”
“Hey, you’re up?”
“Yeah, I actually walked the hallway about 1 with Hanson. Was a journey for sure.”
“Gimmie the dish, how bad was it?”
“Not bad really, just hurt like a mother fucker. The incision is like four inches and they said it should heal fine. I’ve got to make an appointment with someone in town for follow up.”
“Want me to get you a list?”
“No. They brought me the laptop so I’ll just use it, will give me something to do because Zac won’t be back until after midnight.”
“He had to play?”
“Yeah. I told him to go, I’m not dying or anything so there is no reason for him to miss things for me.”
“Stay off social media.”
“Why?”
“The rumors vary from you overdosed to you over ate, are you seriously okay with the way these people talk to you?”
“I’m fine.”
“I don’t believe that, but I know how stubborn you are. I was about to head to class, wanted to make sure you were okay. Zac sounded rather upset yesterday.”
“He was. You told Max right?”
“I can’t get him to answer my calls actually, so the last time I left a message and told him if he didn’t call me today he could kiss my ass.”
“Smart girl…You don’t think he’ll show up do you?”
“Doubtful, he will think someone is with you. I can’t believe he’s acting this way.”
“Guess he changed too.”
“I guess. I get out of class in a few hours, I’ll give you a call back.”
“Okay, enjoy class.”
“Not a chance, math class blah!”
I giggled and we hung-up. Abigail hated math, but this was her last year and she was super excited to finish. I turned on the TV of course most everything tried to bring up the second reason, that was a nope. I was here because my appendix ruptured, nothing else. Shawn called at 4:30 and checked in, Zac seemed to ask me if I was okay every hour. By five I was bored and wanted to see what they were saying, so I logged into my twitter account, saw the nice picture of me pale and crying being wheeled in. Perfect. I suspect that was why Max wasn’t answering her!
The comments did range all over the map! How can anyone overdose on donuts?! Sugar coma? Although there were the obvious reasons too but I didn’t read those, that wasn’t why. Sierra hadn’t commented on any of them but then again I didn’t expect her too. Dinner came at six and the nurse removed the IV, they were moving me to tablets for pain medication and since I was back on solids there was no need for the IV.
“Can I slip on pants, loose ones, to walk around?”
“Yeah. Just nothing tight.”
Taylor and Isaac had shopped for me, getting a few pair of sweatpants because I couldn’t wear anything I had for at least a week. Once they picked up the tray I got a pair and slipped them on. Mesh underwear sucked but these were black sweats so I should be fine. I took my phone incase Zac called or texted, heaven forbid I miss it, he’d be back worried sick. My plan was to wander the floor I was on, but I ended up just going to random places, found the cafeteria and stumbled upon the morgue, I didn’t even get out of the elevator there! Yet, the one place I tried not to be is where I found myself. Looking through the window at the five little humans laying wrapped in white blankets.
I’d written off the concept of being a mother, I couldn’t even make decisions about my own life, how the fuck was I ever going to be responsible for another life? Why would any kid want a whore for a mother? I’d never even wanted a baby. So then why had it hurt like a son of a bitch when he told me I’d…No. I wasn’t here for that!
A lady came up and took a few picture of one of them, I couldn’t read the card well but I think it was a boy.
“Are you a new mom?” She asked.
There was a sharp stinging pain that came and went quickly.
“No, I was just walking and this seems to be the happiest place here.”
“That it is. Lots of new life entering the world here.”
“One of them in your family?”
“That little boy, my first grandbaby.”
“Congratulations.”
She smiled and thanked me, but it was clear she was more into her grandson than me. Before long she was shuffling back toward a room near the end of the hallway. I didn’t have a parent that wanted a grandchild, but Zac’s did. He hadn’t really mentioned children, but by the way he cried and the mention of future chances it was pretty clear he wanted them.
He deserved a far better wife, the fans had to be right, I just wasn’t worth being his wife. I couldn’t make decisions, I had no future plans, and everything was by that moment in time. Max had been right, I’d just followed Shawn until he came and then I followed him. Because it was a easy path that required no work on my behalf. I couldn’t do anything right.
I’d failed as a mom before I even had the chance to know I was going to be one.
Another parent came up and got pictures of their new baby, gushing about how her delivery had been so smooth, so effortless. I just stepped to the side, it’s where I was use to being on the outside. I was the third wheel to Max, I was just a nuisance to Shawn, Abigail tried but I was always the outside person with her too. I hadn’t care about fashion, didn’t care about the next big thing, I just wanted to draw and I just wanted to be included in something. Shawn had left to get rid of me, because he didn’t want me there anymore. I found myself simply staring at the baby in the middle, the only girl that I could tell. She was awake, wiggling around in her little cubby bed.
“Gabriella Hanson?”
I did not expect anyone to even know my name here and sure it was on my ID band but it was in my pocket! No one should know me here. I turned and seen a young woman, clearly by her shocked expression she did not expect to see me here either. But the Hanson symbol around her neck made me think she was a fan, it would explain how she knew me.
“Look, if you’re just going to tell me that I am some whore and that Zac deserves better than me or that he’s just fucking everyone behind my back, save it. I’ve already heard it.”
She blinked, clearly not expecting that as a response. “I wasn’t really going to say any of those things.”
“I’ve heard all the insults.”
“I’ve seen a lot of them myself, tried to argue against them but they don’t seem to care. Although, I really didn’t expect you to be standing here.”
That made two of us really, why the fuck was I standing here!? What purpose did this serve to me? I would never be a mother worth anything, hell I wasn’t even cut out to carry the baby, let along deal with delivery and then make decisions that would affect their lives forever! So, I used the same reason as before.
“Happiest place in a hospital is the nursery.”
“For the most part that is true. I see your emergency wasn’t life threatening, obviously you’re not in a coma. Going to assume it wasn’t diabetes or anything either.”
“Not a single one of those was true, my appendix ruptured on the drive here. Scared everyone pretty badly.”
“Ouch, I had that happen when I was 14. Worst pain of my life, not even birth was worse than that.”
“I can certainly agree there. Is one of these in your family?”
“The middle one, she’s mine actually. My first.”
“She’s gorgeous. Don’t be freaked out but she’s the one I’ve been watching. She’s been moving around a bit the others are asleep and not doing much.”
“Not an issue. Stare away. I named her Ella Grace.”
“Why Ella?”
“My grandmother’s name, although it’s a nickname for Gabriella isn’t it?”
“Yeah, it’s what my brother calls me exclusively. He’s never called me anything but Ella, refuses to acknowledge my full name.”
“I didn’t know you had siblings.”
“Just him and he’s older. We kind of lost touch for a while though.”
“It happens, my parents kind of disowned me for a while. I was the party queen and loved having fun. I met Ella’s father about a year ago and he changed my whole life. Got me clean, got me motivated to finish school, and then we learned about her. She’s a gift.”
I didn’t have anything to really say, I didn’t know her at all. Sounded like she was similar to me in a lot of ways. Sounded like her husband was a blessing to her. I was about to ask her about him when Zac’s tone went off. I answered, regardless, if I didn’t he would come find me.
“Hey honey.”
“Hey, feeling okay?”
“I’ve been okay since you left, surely you don’t think I’m going to go into a coma do you?”
“Maybe!”
“I’m fine, really. I’m even out walking around the hospital.”
She looked at me and I could see the moment she realized that who I had to be talking to was Zac. Her eyes got wide but she kept quiet. Yet, I could see the thought on the tip of her tongue, she really wanted to ask to speak to him or have him acknowledge her in some way. That almost jealous look that I got to speak to him and she didn’t.
“That’s good! The doctor said walking was good. No difference in them feeling good about releasing you tomorrow right?”
“Haven’t seen him since he came in earlier, I think he said he’d come back about 10. I don’t see them changing their minds.”
“Carrick and em just went out. Sierra mentioned coming up but I told her it might be best to wait.”
“Yeah, I um...yeah, I think I’d rather wait to see anyone else. The other two are coming right?”
“Yep. They are bringing me buttercup.”
“Oh god, seriously? No. Buttercup is your nickname, not mine.”
“It can be yours too. Do you want me to bring anything to you?”
“A greasy burger, fries, and a chocolate shake?”
“Gotcha. I’ll call or text when we head that way.”
“Ok. Have a good show.”
“I will try my best, but worrying you may fall into a coma will make it hard.”
“I won’t be falling into a coma. Love you, bye and have a good show.”
“Love you too, do rest also.”
I hung-up and she was still staring. “Sorry, if I had ignored his called he’d be canceling the show.”
“Ella canceled for me. I had tickets but gave them to a set of friends. I went into labor yesterday and she arrived earlier today, no way they were letting me go just to see Hanson.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. Her daddy told me the next time they come to town we’d go, hands down he wouldn’t even question it.”
“I’m sure it won’t be too much longer.”
“This may sound strange but do you want to hold Ella? I would have to take her to the room though.”
“No. That’s okay. I’m more of an admire from afar.”
Truthfully, I couldn’t ever remember holding a baby. I’d never wanted to be near them. Avoided the fans with them, avoided strollers and baby sections.
“Are you sure? I really don’t mind. Your about as close as I’ll ever get to Hanson.”
“I’m sure.”
Some guy came out of what I presume to be her room and came down, together they got her from the nursery, she said bye, and they returned to the room. She looked disappointed but I couldn’t even do things right, I didn’t want to hurt her child. Least she didn’t seem to hate me. I glanced back into the room, four tiny human beings now.
One that I’d never see. Never hold. I hadn’t even known about until he or she was gone. I walked back to the room and sat down, tried to block it out. It shouldn’t bother me, I’d never wanted to be around children. I got the drawing pad to hopefully just block the world out, I needed to get back to believing my sole reason was the appendix. I didn’t even realize how much time pasted but it was Zac’s text that brought me out of the trance. I replied with a smiley and then looked down at the tablet.
My heart just sank.
I had drawn Ella, the fans daughter. It was a portrait style because I hadn’t seen anything but her face, which I’d stared at long enough that I believed I captured her exact likeness right here on paper. To make it worse I’d even added fucking color to the image! The little slight pink tone to her skin, the border of filigree around the edges to make it look presentable. I had never drawn babies, of any age for any reason.
I closed the tablet and waited for them, they arrived not long after with my order and they all sat down and ate. The show had gone very well according to Zac.
“Doctor come in?”
“No.”
He frowned. “He better release you tomorrow.”
“I’m sure he will.”
As long as I didn’t mention this going crazy aspect! When they finished eating I hadn’t quite considered what to do but I did feel bad for Ella’s mom a bit. She had clearly wanted to go and well, she was planning to go and so close to the due date.
“I uh…walked earlier and saw a fan here.”
“Where?” Ike asked.
“At the nursery window, I had to walk and ended up there.”
Zac looked up at me, concerned expression all over his face but Taylor and Isaac both commented about liking to view nursery windows too.
“Anyway, one of the babies was a little girl. Her mom had her today and missed your show.”
“Hey, I can excuse that absence. Little babies are so precious.” Taylor said.
“Cute and smells like baby powder.” Ike said.
Zac didn’t say anything but I noticed he didn’t finish the fries, just threw them away.
“Um..I sort of drew her.”
I handed the tablet over and they all looked at the drawing of Ella, perfect fucking drawing that I shouldn’t have ever done.
“Is this what she looks like?” Taylor asked.
I nodded. “Yeah.”
“Why don’t we take it to her?” Ike asked.
“Um, visiting hours are over?” Taylor asked.
“She’s probably asleep.” Zac said.
“I know her room number, I can have the nurse ask.”
Where had that come from? Why had those words tumbled out of my mouth?! Maybe they wouldn’t want too, but then Ike spoke.
“Do that.”
It didn’t take but 15 minutes to confirm that room 316 was awake and alert and willing to have visitors. I had to be fucking insane, why would I ever want to go there?
“You should sign it.” Taylor said.
He handed it to me and I signed, then took it out of the pad. Taylor took a photo of it for me to have, but I didn’t really want it. Taylor managed to find an item of merchandise in his bag, why he had a program I didn’t know but they signed it for her and Ike insisted I walk down. Zac provided me with an actual shirt to wear, instead of the hospital gown.
She really was freaked out to see me, but when they came in behind me her eyes just widen and I was glad that her daughter was laying on the bed. I think she may have dropped her if she wasn’t. Would I do that? Drop a baby because of shock?
“I…you…oh god.”
Clearly, none of us had thought this plan through very well. She just had a baby, her hair was in a messy bun on top of her head, she was still in a hospital gown with wires and IV’s everywhere, and even her husband was so shocked he couldn’t speak. Since she was pretty much in a catatonic state of mind, I presented her with the drawing.
“Apparently little Ella stuck with me, I’m not entirely certain this drawing is a direct likeness of her.”
It seemed that it worked, she snapped out of her catatonic state and looked down at the drawing, Ella was her child and if anyone would notice if I missed anything, it would be her.
“Oh my..that’s..incredible.”
She laid it down beside her and sure enough she was an exact copy of the drawing, damnit! It didn’t help the sinking feeling I had, but she seemed thrilled with it. But of course, Taylor being Taylor, asked if he could hold Ella. Zac was really not standing close and seeing Taylor holding her I could see the tears in his eyes, even if they weren’t falling.
As bad as I felt, I could imagine he felt close I mean he had cried too.
Eventually Quinn and Bailey talked, they were very sweet but Zac and I both refused to hold her for different reasons. They did a few acapella songs for her and because obviously no one would ever believe this she asked for a picture with them, which they did and then she asked for one of us. I reluctantly agreed, knowing this was going to be all over social media. She held Ella and I held the drawing up, Zac took the picture for her. I laid the drawing down on the window seal and before I could comprehend it I had Ella in my arms.
This tiny little baby girl was in my arms and I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t even move and that lasted ten seconds before she started screaming. I had no idea what the hell I did wrong! Isaac took her from me though, two bounces and she was fine. I really couldn’t breathe not even now.
“I think Gabby needs to get back to bed, she’s looking a little pale. Congratulations on your daughter and these two can stay as long as you want, but you may have to kick Taylor out.” Zac said.
I didn’t see him move but I felt his hands and he did the goodbyes for us, I just couldn’t. I was here because my appendix ruptured that was it. I vaguely remember him using the elevator and laying me down, but sleep helped forget the second reason.