Chapter 11: Explosions
POV: Gabby
April 19, 2008: Royal Oaks, Michigan
I’d seen Zac’s tweet from the ITZfan007 and while she agreed with him and maybe ten others did, a lot didn’t. I didn’t attend the walks in Kentucky or Illinois nor did I run those days either because perhaps Zac was right maybe I was overdoing it. We arrived early today and I was the first out and already had the few items that I could get too inside and then I had to wait for them to unpack the trailer and set up. I checked my e-mail, I deleted any from Simon that wasn’t a picture and noticed ones from Abby and Shawn, so I opened them first.
Shawn had found more baby pictures and I was positive he had either seen our parents again or he’d somehow found them. Although based on the pictures I was rather happy as a baby but not a single one had our parents in them. Each one had white sections added to say any additional information and most of the ones of me as a 2-3 year old were marked with the group home we stayed at. I wondered why he was doing this briefly but considering Zac’s parents had a thousand pictures of him as a baby, it was nice to see myself that young too.
Abigail had sent pictures too, ones she had of us and that even included Max. Although, most of what she sent was she and I or just me. Her mom had taken a lot and I could clearly tell that before Shawn I was super happy and afterwards, I wasn’t. There were pictures of us after Max left, but not many.
Simon kept sending more too, although he was nearing the end of our relationship now and I didn’t know what he would do after that was over. Yet, I was sure they’d just be reminders again. Like all of his now included. I sighed and closed the e-mail program. I finally logged into Twitter, not that it was any different from the website itself, the messages were just bigger.
“You know if you stop being a kitten and speak your mind they’ll stop.”
I closed the window and then shut it down. “Then I’ll just be the bitch.”
“Would you rather they keep on calling you a whore? A fat slob? Would you rather never be able to use your own accounts to interact with people you want to hear from because of them?”
I hadn’t really paid much attention to the weight comments until I went to try on a pair of jeans that I knew fit, they no longer fit, they weren’t just tight I couldn’t even button them now.
“I’m not that person.”
“You keep telling me that but I don’t believe it.”
“Why not?”
“It’s not you.”
I got up. “I’m not her Sierra. I’m not that person. None of them are worth jail time.”
“Jail time? You telling them to shut the fuck up will not get you jail time Kitten. A little bit more respect from them maybe, do you not want them to respect you at all?”
“I want them to like me, not hate me.”
She stopped at the cooler and turned slowly. “Like you? Kitten they will never like you. They are fans of your husband’s band. I looked up some of them on MySpace and other formats and several are delusional enough to think he’s dating them. Why? Because he replied to a generic questions on Twitter. Those women will never like you, no matter what.”
“What is your fucking problem?”
“My problem? I should be asking you. You ignore me most the time, you avoid talking to me, you won’t listen to me, you get defensive when I try to defend you. You think Carrick or Austin liked that I slapped the taste out of her mouth? Hell no! But you know I’d do it again in a heartbeat. I don’t have a problem, you do.”
“What problem could I possibly have?”
I forgot that while she was short she was quick and the wall prevented me from backing away from her. She left space between us though. But, I could still feel her presence and warmth.
“I don’t know Kitten. You tell me. You’re the one avoiding me. You’re the one that claims to have changed but I see sparks in your eyes all the time. Then I see pictures of this scared little girl that was never who you were. I see you cowering to a bunch of fake ass bitches who can’t accept no for an answer. So you tell me what the problem is because I don’t have one with you.”
“I don’t have a problem.”
“Sure about that? I walked in and I was happy to see you. Seven fucking years you just vanished and I get to spend two months with you and you don’t even want to be in the same room. You use to love being around me, you use to sit beside me and talk to me. Now all you do is take pictures, stare at me from afar and draw naked pictures of me. Sure sounds like there is something going on in your head.”
Those green eyes were awfully convincing at times but not this time. I just didn’t want to be that person anymore, so I didn’t say a word even though she wasn’t like many, she’d stare right at me and again she was so close to me. Her hand felt soft and warm against my cheek and I could see it then, that little spark that caused me to run like hell last time. The same one I was seeing in Zac’s eyes.
I could have kissed Taylor for walking in at that moment, but I was sure Zac would frown upon that!
“Um…do I need to come back?”
“No.” Sierra said.
Then she was gone and I was just standing against the wall, wondering what the hell was going on. She wasn’t even in the room anymore, she’d literally just vanished on me.
“Gabriella?” Taylor asked.
“I’m okay.”
He handed me a tissue and I was momentarily confused until I felt the wetness on my face. I didn’t even know I had tears on my face at all.
“I don’t know what she said to you but if it was bad then I can talk to Carrick and Austin.”
“Wasn’t bad. How much longer before they get done?”
“Least another hour. Zac is helping them and I am too, I just came for water and well I won’t mention how that really looked.”
“It’s not like that Taylor. Not anymore.”
He got two bottles and left the room, didn’t comment and I didn’t have anyone I could call. Max hated me, Abigail was busy and well, no fan ever needed to know that. I sat back down, stared at the black screen on the laptop. About twenty minutes after he left I heard the shoes and saw those same blue jeans she’d worn. But the laid a sheet of paper in front of me.
“Because you don’t always see everything, you will have to stop being this scared little girl because anyone can find anything. It didn’t take me but ten minutes to find this picture Kitten.”
My eyes landed on the color print before me as she walked away. The picture was of us, Newton had taken it but he didn’t really like pictures of she and I. Like the one they’d seen I was in her lap, but unlike the last one this one showed us actually kissing each other, her hand was even on my butt. At the bottom was a web address and I used my phone to go there, that wasn’t the only picture of us. One of us at the drums, her teaching me how to play.
“I haven’t seen that one.” Zac said.
I nearly dropped the phone and he giggled. “Sorry, I thought you heard me coming in.”
“No.”
He picked up the one printed. “I definitely have never seen this one.”
“You saw the one he took after that one or before, I’m not sure which came first.”
“I thought Newton gave you all of the ones he had.”
I got up and put the phone away. “He did. He didn’t have these, she did.”
“Oh.”
The website however was one he’d used, so maybe that’s how he shared them with her before.
“You feel okay?”
“Yeah, why?”
“Your face is flushed.”
His hand felt cool to me but he frowned which wasn’t ever good.
“You feel really warm Gabby, sure you don’t have a fever?”
“I feel fine. No runny nose, no coughing.”
“Weird. We have the trailer unpacked, want to come help me set the drums up and other stuff.”
“Always.”
I plucked the picture from his hand and closed it in between the screen and keyboard of the laptop. No one else needed to see that! Setting up I still felt fine, but that tension between Sierra and I felt worse. She was right, I was avoiding her. After the instruments and stage was set up we took a lunch break, ordering pizza. Which I didn’t even want, but I knew skipping too many meals would just make Zac suspicious. The walk was at 2:30 and I decided not to walk with them, instead I would stay here. Yet after the crowd was gone I realized I needed my bag from the bus, I needed clean clothes for my shower later. I went out the back but found the bus gone.
“What the hell?”
It hit me that the bus couldn’t remain parked out here, they had to move it down the street. I contemplated waiting on Zac or Carrick, everyone had gone on the walk with them today but me. Fans weren’t here and I was behind the buildings, so I should be fine. I did text Carrick to ask which way, he told me the location and told me to wait. But, I headed right anyway, the bus wasn’t far down the road, it was parked behind a bank. It was a bright sunny day despite cooler temperatures. I made it to the bus in about 30 minutes, got on and got my bag and then headed back. I was about halfway there when I heard my name.
“Gabriella!”
I turned and blinked. “Max?”
“You like speed walking back? I seen you at the bus. But I didn’t know if it was Hanson or someone else.”
“What are you doing here? You haven’t even wanted to talk to me since March 1 st.”
“I know and I’m sorry.”
I paused to let him catch up to me, but I needed to get back to the venue before they got back.
“What do you want?”
“I was traveling again and we’re passing through. I knew they were playing tonight but I didn’t expect you to be out alone.”
“Eh, I needed the bag and it’s not far.”
“You look good.”
Was he blind? Clearly he was. Every fan in the country felt I was an overweight blob of skin and fat. I guess I didn’t believe he meant it but he didn’t seem to care about that.
“I talked with Abigail and I think we’re going to try us again.”
“Good, you made a good couple but you know she’s not going to share you with anyone else.”
“Yes, we’ve talked about that extensively.”
Didn’t sound like he fully agreed with that concept though. “So..what do I owe the visit too? I sent you a birthday message which you ignored, I sent you an e-mail and you never replied.”
“Because you haven’t come to your senses yet.”
“Wasn’t aware that my senses were off, but thanks for the notice. So, is that why you’re really here? You don’t want to see how I am or if I’m alive, you just want to tell me how stupid I am for being here?”
“We know it’s true Gabby. You aren’t even with him now, are you sure he’s not accepting some card from some blonde? Are you absolutely positive that he hasn’t gone to any hotel rooms the last few weeks?”
I just looked at him. “I’m going back to the venue and I’m going to just pretend this never even happened. You obviously can’t accept that I am with someone and that I want to be there.”
“You can’t accept what everyone is telling you! Come on Gabriella, the fans tell you they’re with him, they are telling you everything you know is true. You have gained weight, you are eating just to drown out the fact that you know I am right about him. He doesn’t love you, he never has and he never will.”
“So, you do then? Because really it sounds like you are jealous that I married him and not you. Sounds like what you want is for us to be buddies again so you can convince Abby that it’s okay if you sleep with us both. Are you going to pretend to love me and pretend to tell me you care just so I’m there when she isn’t?”
“It worked before. You were happy, you were doing great. Even after Simon you were doing great until the tour.”
“A tour you told me to go on. A tour you told me would be good for me. Sure you warned me about Zac but let’s face it what was the real reason you told me? I think it was more to make me hate him to start with.”
“See, you’re not even denying that you were happy with the arrangement.”
I blinked. Had he not listened to me the day he left me standing there alone?
“I was happy because I thought you fucking loved me Maxwell. I thought you wanted to be with me and then you left. You stood there in the yard and told me I was nothing to you but a friend. That every time we had sex it was just a benefit to us both.”
“YOU ASKED!” He yelled.
I actually backed away from him until I felt the wall behind me. “Stop throwing that in my face! I know I asked you, I’m not forgetful. I know exactly what I asked you for. I asked you to be the first person I had sex with. I didn’t ask for that to continue for two years.”
Like with Sierra he was fast, unlike her he didn’t leave any room between us. Unlike her I could feel how turned on he was too, why he would be was beyond me.
“You can’t say no to me, you never have been able too.”
His fingers felt rough against my skin but warm, it was how he’d come to me the second time. It was random. We’d been outside cleaning up the yard for his parents and I just found myself against the brick wall, felt him then too. I couldn’t tell him no, because fuck I wanted too just as badly. I’d only gone to him a handful of times and usually it was because I just wanted to be held, which he would do afterwards.
“You want to come with me, you know I’m not lying to you Gabby. He will mess up, you will get hurt, and you know you’ll come to me.”
“You just left, I could have gone with you.”
“You needed to learn your place, you were always clingy and needy. You want to so badly right now, I can feel it in your heartbeat, I can feel it in your skin, so warm and flushed. You want too, nothing is stopping you. We can even go back to the bus if you prefer, but you know me. Inside or outside it doesn’t matter.”
“KITTEN!” Sierra’s voice broke through that fog.
“Sier..” His hand was over my mouth before her name was completely out of it.
“We don’t need weird people calling for their cats.”
His hand felt hot and it was not just gently over my mouth, it was forced and had forced my had back against the wall. Her voice got closer and I tried to pull his hand away, if she was this close then they were looking for me.
“KITTEN! Come on! Skye?! Gabriella?! If you can hear me, answer!” She yelled.
Max looked at me. “She’s calling you? Is that…seriously? You really are fucking stupid to allow Sierra on tour. You just can’t learn? Fuck, Simon was right. Your decision making skills are completely worthless, allowing the girl you wanted to be with on tour with you while you’re married? Fucking stupid.”
I tried to move his hand again and when I couldn’t I just let my bag drop to the ground, the noise would hopefully attract Sierra. I didn’t understand his comments about Simon. He was pissed when I told him what Simon had done, how he treated me. Now he agreed with him. His body was pressed so tightly against mine that I couldn’t really move my legs or else I’d kick him!
I didn’t even realize he’d managed to get me off the street in some little corner, I couldn’t even see the street. It never occurred to me to fear him but right this moment I really wished I’d listened to Carrick. Sierra’s calls were fading so she was moving back but I could faintly hear Austin calling my name as well.
Max’s attention came back to me. “Guess they have to make sure you aren’t fucking around on him, I can tell you really want too. Wonder how he’d react to finding us.”
My phone began to ring and I was sure he knew they would hear it eventually, he looked disappointed but he moved his hand.
“I don’t want too. What I want is for you to just leave. Zac loves me, you don’t.”
“You are stupid to believe he does.”
I used my hands to push him away. “No. I was stupid to believe you ever loved me. Stupid to believe that you helping me last March meant that I was wrong, that you did love me. I really should have known all along. You are jealous because you just want a piece of ass on the side.”
I picked up my bag and started to leave this area, I could vaguely hear Austin and once I was on the street I could call for him. But he grabbed my wrist and spun me around right into the wall. A brick pretty much hit the same spot the knife had, which sent pain radiating from that spot. He didn’t seem to care, just pulled me back to him, tightly.
“Be happy with your whore Gabriella. Because he will break your heart.”
He then pushed me away and my luck, I tripped over my own bag and went down. That was another sharp pain but it was the other side. I could see him walking away and I was kind of wishing Austin was nearby but I didn’t hear him or anyone else. I laid there for several minutes, wondering if the pain would go away before I heard Zac’s voice and Taylor’s. But, Zac’s was closer and I could hear the phone ringing, his tone. The longer it rang the closer he sounded. But the level of pain was getting quite intense and I felt this heavy feeling.
“Gabriella? Come on, wake up.”
When I opened my eyes I could barely see Zac and Taylor standing over me. Taylor was the one pouring water over my face though from a water bottle.
“That’s it, come on.”
The pain level had decreased significantly but god I felt sick now, I tried to stop them from sitting me up, but it was too late. Thank god Taylor moved, so I didn’t get any vomit on him or his shoes.
“Ewe.” He said.
But Zac was the one moving hair and was he using his shirt to wipe my face off?
“Are you okay? Did your abdomen start hurting again? Why is your nose bleeding?”
It took a few minutes to get the nausea to stop and Taylor was the one putting a rag against my nose and tilting my head back. Yet, I was suppose to believe that the concerned look written all over their faces, meant nothing? When I didn’t feel like throwing up and when Taylor moved whatever cloth they were using, I told them what happen. Again, the level of anger they had, more so Zac than Taylor, was more than enough to know they cared. Taylor may not love me like Zac, but he cared.
“Think you can get up?” Zac asked.
“Yeah.”
He did help and my side hurt but not bad. Once we were back to the venue I just found the first bathroom because I knew he wanted to check, hell I wanted too. He actually started with my nose.
“Doesn’t feel broken, doesn’t hurt?”
“No. Broken nose experience?” I asked.
“Twice. Thanks to my brothers. Isaac was totally unintentional, Taylor though I think was.”
The sides however were very tender to the touch.
“You will have major bruising, it’s already starting.”
“I figured.”
“Stop blaming yourself Gabby. This isn’t your fault.”
“Always my fault Zac. Should have listened to Carrick and waited. He could have gone with me, you could have, he’d have never approached me with anyone else with me.”
He got my hands. “You had no reason to think he would do this or even want too.”
“Didn’t I? He doesn’t like that I am here, he doesn’t like you, he came on to me before we left. I had clues Zac.”
“You also have a heart of gold Gabby, you don’t want to believe that he doesn’t like you or that he would hurt you. You’ve known him a long time and until recently he hasn’t done anything to make you believe he would. Do you feel like staying here?”
“Yeah, I’ll just find a comfortable spot and lay down.”
“Taylor said you and Sierra must have had words too.”
“Yeah, but it’s irrelevant right now. You have sound check and a show.”
“Still hurting?”
“It’s mild, I’ll take something and lay down.”
He kissed my forehead and I put my shirt back on, followed what I told him. I found Tylenol in my bag, showered, and then laid down in the green room. Sierra came in and checked into the room about 9:15, fresh from her shower and she sat down.
“Feel okay?”
I only nodded but I felt very warm. I felt her hand on my forehead and she frowned. I could still see that look in her eyes though, the ones that said she cared and she loved me.
“DJ is bringing the bus back at ten, he is eating now and after a shower he’s bringing it back. I am going to fix us a plate and we will eat too, then I’ll take your stuff and then you to the bus.”
She was gone before I could object but what she brought back was easy to eat and light. Which was a good thing, I didn’t think I could handle anything heavy.
“Looks and feels like you’re getting sick. Eat this and then you and I will head to the bus, Zac said to go ahead so you can get comfortable.”
I didn’t want to argue anymore today, so I followed her directions. When she gathered my things I stopped her though. I really didn’t want to ask for anything but while I was inside I may as well.
“When you come back inside can you bring me a pad or something? I can feel it. I just didn’t expect it. ”
“I have both, preference?”
“Tampons if you have them.”
She smiled and took the items to the bus, returning with what I asked for. I went to the bathroom alone to handle that and then went with her to the bus. She laid me in Zac’s bunk, got medicine for me too.
“Get some rest.”
My abdomen was hurting still but just dull and achy. I turned and was asleep before they even finished the show.