Chapter 32: My Brother

POV: Gabby

December 5, 2007

I had sent poor Zac home for a while, it was clear the little couch wasn’t allowing him to really sleep well and he looked drained. I told him to go home for the day and night, I was under good hands and not many were even allowed back. I spent most of the morning reading the last book I’d downloaded and just cat napping, trying to get better so I could leave the hospital. Yet, where I would go was a major question mark. Stella assured me, her couch was available for as long as I needed. But I had seen the disappointment in Zac’s face too, he wanted me to go there. About noon Zac sent me a text messages.

You know sending me home to sleep pretty much means I don’t sleep, right?

It’s easy to sleep, lay down and close your eyes.

Yes and when I do my brain wonders how YOU are! Did they bring you lunch?

Yes. Very good lunch actually. They even let me bathe alone!

Alone? Wait, I could have joined you and you sent me home?!?

Aw, sorry. I didn’t know I got to bathe alone, shocked me too.

Yeah…no sleep for me :- (

Seriously, just close your eyes and sleep.

The next message included a picture, nice one of the erection he apparently had.

You + Shower = this problem. Yet you’re all ‘close your eyes’ seriously, that won’t work!

I giggled and thought about the reply.

You could easily pretend I’m there, naked of course. Crawling up the foot of the bed, cat like with those little ears.

Fuck…are you doing anything else?

Placing kisses to your legs, thighs, hips, chest and lips. Mm, those lips. You know I’d bite those right?

Counting on it baby, where would your hands be?

All over you…your sides, thighs, and most definitely your cock, pretty sure you want them there anyway.

I got another message a short video this time, he really was very open with me. Give the length of time that he’s been without sex, I was kind of shocked that he was there alone. Because I was sure these pictures and videos were today yet there was that sneaking doubt. I hooked up the ear buds and then sent him a video chat request, I was certain if he was there with anyone else, he wouldn’t answer. Which is what I expected, so when he did accept the request I was shocked

“Okay, this is very new.” He said.

“What can I say, it’s not watching if you’re texting me.”

“Can you really talk though? Fuck if you can that would be amazing.”

“The door’s closed, no one is here but me.”

“No one here but me and my empty bed and one really painful hard on.”

When he panned around to show me that painful erection, it showed nearly all of the room which was empty. The bathroom door was open and it was empty too. I mentally kicked myself.

“You know exactly what your hand should be doing.”

Good thing he could coordinate well, holding the phone in his right while the left wrapped around the base. I couldn’t see his face though, but that was okay too. He’d set a semi-fast pace.

“What else would you be doing Gabriella?”

I consider that for a moment and wanted to test something.

“How about I put your hands above your head, tie them there with a scarf so I can just do whatever I want.”

I could see his hand tighten and heard the moan that slid from his lips, god I wish I was there to see his face too.

“Okay, I can’t touch you…what would you do to me?”

“I’d keep my hand moving very slowly, up and down as I made good use of biting that bottom lip. You should slow your hand to match.”

It took a few moments but he did slow down and I smiled. It seemed that being tied down might be something he would be interested in.

“You learn quickly. I’d move down your neck, leaving a nice mark there before moving down to your chest, letting my tongue move around each nipple, before brushing over the top.”

“I wish you were here.”

“I’d keep going down, letting that little patch of hair glide across my cheek, letting my hand speed up a bit.”

On cue once he heard it he did speed up, but not much, it was working very well. I could see drops of precum on the head and occasionally when his thumb would swiped across the top I’d see more. He wished I was there? I wished I was too!

“Baby?”

“I’m here. Just thinking how much I want to torture you and drive you insane, maybe I’d keep that pace as I massaged the sac, letting you come down some.”

As if on cue, his hand slide down. “Fuck Gabby.”

The phone wasn’t quite as stable in his hand anymore and when it went askew and then dark I was sure he’d dropped it. But then I got the best view ever, he’d propped it up against something and I could see his face! The pure lust and the sheen of sweat that glistened his body.

“Now, this view I can appreciate much better.”

“Thought you would.”

The nurse came in and got the empty lunch tray and I smiled, kept the phone away from her view and listened to his moans. When she walked out I went back to watching.

“You know I’d run my tongue up that major vein on the underside, slide around the head just the way you like before sliding down.”

The look on his face was delicious and he’d gone back to that medium pace, which was fine. From that point it wasn’t much to talk about, which worked just as well and watching his orgasm sweep across his body was almost as good to me as it was him. I waited until he was able to get the phone.

“Can you just…close your eyes now?”

“Fuck, no. I need a shower now.”

“Can I watch?”

He blinked. “Are you serious?”

“Yes. Obviously you can’t take it into the shower but prop it somewhere.”

“You really are bad, but okay.”

I really was but it proved beyond a doubt that no one else was there with him, despite the fact the shower cam was bad because the shower’s glass wall steamed and I still couldn’t see him. One of these days I’d get to really appreciate him naked. I did get to see him dry off quickly and then he laid back down.

“Tired now?”

“It’s sinking in, still miss you.”

“I’m fine Zac going to read and maybe watch TV.”

We talked a little bit longer until it was pretty clear that he was losing the battle with sleep and I finally had him hang-up. I put the phone on charge and tried to relax, tried to nap again and I couldn’t. I couldn’t make the decisions between his home and Stella, between whether I trusted him or not, between listening to Max and Abby or giving him a chance. Looking back, sure all of my decisions since Shawn left had seemed like complete disasters. I heard the door open about 2:45 and I looked up, there was someone coming in with a vase full of multi-colored lily’s, there was white, blue, purple, and yellow. The flowers hid the face of the person so I assumed it was a delivery person until he sat them down on the tray beside the bed.

“I wasn’t entirely sure if they were still your favorite, I know they were when you were eleven. It’s been a long time since you’ve been eleven.”

I blinked several times because the previous times he was just quick movements and I was sure I was just seeing and hearing things, but he was standing there looking terrified that I’d hate them.

“There still my favorite…Are you actually here or have I gone to sleep?”

“No Ella, I am here.”

The number of emotions that crashed over me seemed to go from very happy to very angry. Yet, what I ended up doing was just moving, I knew he was real when I felt his arms around me. I don’t think anything could quite compare to that feeling.

“Hey! No tears, you know I don’t do well with them.”

I really couldn’t help it, the last time he’d hugged me was the night before he left.

“Why did you leave?”

It really wasn’t the first question I wanted to ask but it’s what tumbled out, I should have started with anything but that!

“Why don’t you calm down Ella, you don’t need to be upset and you are.”

He guided me to sit down but sat down too, he hadn’t changed much older looking, his hair was shorter than it used to be, but he was Shawn. He was my big brother. He moved some of my hair.

“You changed so much, not the awkward pre-teen you were then. You got a bit taller and you just changed. I’m glad you got rid of the black hair though, your natural color is so much better.”

He knew I had black hair? How did he know that? The number of questions that swirled into my brain seemed infinite. But the one I wanted an answer too was the one I’d already asked and he knew I was waiting on that answer.

“I left because I was a stupid, dumb, asshole teenager.”

“You said you hated me and that you were leaving to get as far away from me as possible. What did I ever do?”

His eyes diverted away from me. “It’s hard to explain Ella.”

“No it’s not Shawn, you simply tell me what I did for you to hate me. I never had a clue. You just up and left me with that bastard and all you said was you hated me. I spent weeks trying to figure out what I done, why you’d left. Months reviewing that note looking for anything that made sense. Nothing ever made sense. You vanished for the last twelve years and now you come back for what?”

He took a deep breath and looked at me. “It’s not easy to say Ella. I came back because I’ve wanted too for years, I just felt like you hated me for leaving and that you’d never accept me back. It terrified me that you’d just scream and leave. As for why, yes I did hate you. It wasn’t a lie.”

I could feel that familiar little stab of pain, the same one that occurred every time I thought about that note, every time I thought about the days of waiting for him to come home.

“If you hate me why would you ever want to see me again?”

“Because my hatred toward you was misplaced. When I look back at when Mom and Dad brought you home I was so happy, you were just perfect. When you were a little older anything I did made you smile and laugh, that never changed Ella. You don’t remember child services coming to the house. Ella you were the reason we were taken.”

“It wasn’t just me.”

“No, I admit they took us both for the same reasons. But, you were the one that was far worse. I never told you but the days before they showed up, I was taking care of you. I was just too young to know about diapers or how to feed you really. All I could do was make bottles and change your clothes. But when you ran out of clean clothes I didn’t know what to do. The way they found you caused them to immediately take us and they stripped our parents rights a week later.”

“They didn’t have a chance to get us back?”

“No. They spent time in jail I found the public record. Child neglect, the conditions the house was in and especially you was enough. I couldn’t bathe you Ella, I could barely get clothes on you. I thought at that age we’d be gone from home a little while but then we’d go back. I didn’t know it was permanent.”

I swallowed hard, he was basically telling me that at 4 he was the one person who cared enough to even bother? Yet, he still left.

“You were very adaptable to places and situations. You were happy with attention and it really didn’t care who, it was after the first foster home that I kind of realized we weren’t going home. I was upset and angry with that and then you just didn’t seem to really care about that.”

“I was a baby, I don’t even really remember anyone until the Pines and spiders.”

He dropped his head. “Yeah, I didn’t realize that though. It seemed like you adapted and flourished no matter where or who you were with and I just resented that. I guess I resented that you didn’t seem to miss our parents at all, it was irrational and stupid of me to believe that. You were clingy with me, always wanted to be there and be part of things and I just felt like you were rubbing it in.”

“Wasn’t that at all, you were like the only person that I trusted really, only one that wouldn’t lie to me.”

“My therapist said your actions showed that you were just wanting comfort and stability because even if we changed houses or people I was always there with you. Someone that you believed loved you and truly cared about you, I did and I just misplaced the anger toward our parents as anger toward you. I was blaming you for their mistakes. It took that poor women months to get it all.”

“So you left because you hated me, but you didn’t really?”

“Yes. She told me to find you and I did when you were about 16 and a half, but you seemed to be doing very well without me. I hated the black hair though. You seemed happy and healthy and I just couldn’t.”

“You should have. Looks can be quite deceiving.”

“Tell me what happen after I left, don’t temper things either. It may have been a long time but I can still tell when you’re lying to me.”

He asked and I provided the answer, telling him about Max, even the sexual side. He didn’t seem happy about any of those times and I think he felt the same way Zac did about Simon.

“What about you? What did you do after you left?”

“I traveled and did odd jobs for about a year, just kind of enjoyed that freedom to do whatever I wanted. I settled in Oklahoma City and did med school. Busted my ass to get the best grades possible, best of everything really. It wasn’t always easy. When I started classes I started therapy too, went through things because I was down.”

“What? No girlfriends?”

“Plenty of girlfriends, plenty of relationships I just haven’t found the right girl. Seems you did though.”

“Who? Zac?”

“You mean “my husband” Yes, Zac.”

“Drunk in Vegas. I’m not sure about him.”

“So, I did talk to him. You don’t draw anymore?”

“I stopped a week after you left, everything I did was just dark and depressing. Abby said they sucked so I just didn’t bother anymore. Sometimes I doodle on margins or something but I haven’t actually drawn anything.”

“You wanted to be a doctor or an artist, what happen?”

“You left. I didn’t want to be a doctor anymore, didn’t want to draw, didn’t want to do anything. I just wanted to sit. Abby was glad when Max moved in, I wanted to do things but she didn’t know the only reason I did was because he reminded me of you. Of course after a few years I knew he wasn’t but I felt…safe? I’m not even sure.”

“Not entirely sure I like Max. He seemed to be very commanding of you.”

“Hey, my track record for decision making sucks. I mean I chose Newton and Simon.”

“No it doesn’t.”

“Clearly you didn’t hear that I can’t tell you the number of partners I’ve had. Abby and Max told me not to get involved with Zac, I did anyway. Now look where I am with that. I’m married to a man I barely know, I don’t even know if I can really trust him not to cheat on me, I don’t have a career that’s worth anything. I followed Max because it was easy and it paid okay. I have done nothing with my life. Clearly, I don’t make good decisions.”

“Maybe you need to not listen to everyone else.”

“I just…”

He lifted my head and smiled. “You need to remember who you are Ella. You are smart, you have a skills and abilities of your own, you are beautiful and I don’t care what they tell you, your ability to make decisions and good ones, is not bad. You are just listening to everyone else.”

“Why did you ban Abby also? I know you had to be the one to do that.”

He took a deep breath. “Max said on the way out that he’d just have her come up and convince you. I have to admit that I was never a fan of Abigail. She was very influential over you. I didn’t like that she kept telling you that everything you drew was crap, or that you had no talent.”

“Honest criticism is needed.”

“Not the only thing I didn’t like, she didn’t like the way you dressed or fixed your hair, she just…I guess I felt like she wanted to change who you are and what you were then. Even when I saw you later she wasn’t really doing much to prevent your actions. I mean, she watched you go home with that one guy.”

“She what?”

“Yeah, she was there when I saw you and she made no effort to stop you. I didn’t like that but I also thought he was your boyfriend at the time.”

“Yeah, I didn’t do boyfriends then.”

“Do you have somewhere safe to go when you leave here?”

“Stella said her couch was available still and Zac kind of wants me to come there but if I do, then no judge will grant us an annulment.”

“No, not with you living there. I rather like him.”

He probably wouldn’t if he knew his past history with women, but that wasn’t my place to tell him and really, did he need to know?

“So, I know hospital food sucks ass, I work here I know. So, how about I go get us pizza?”

“Pizza sounds very good.”

He asked what kind because well, when I was eleven it was just cheese and now I liked more things. He then left to get us dinner. I sat there and mulled over what he said, it almost felt like he’d never left. I wondered if he had stayed, would my decisions have been different? Zac hadn’t added Abby or Max to my phone, yet he didn’t complain when I did. I hadn’t sent them anything yet because I wasn’t sure what to say. When he got back with dinner we ate and then talked for hours. More about what occurred from the time he left to now, he made me feel safe and it really felt like time had never ended for us. I still loved him, he was my brother and I trusted him. He let it slip that he had talked to Zac the week before, but I couldn’t even be mad. He didn’t leave the hospital until ten thirty where he told me to rest and get better, promised to come by more often. After he left I settled in but I sent Zac a message.

Shawn came by today, I’m not 100% sure what you said to him but thank you. But…why did you tell him I wouldn’t be mad? You and I never talked about him…

I didn’t expect a reply, it was late, yet one came anyway.

Mmm...promise not to be mad?

Promise.

You didn’t need to tell me that you weren’t mad or upset, because each time you’ve said his name it was out of love. It was clear you loved him, I just didn’t understand how until I knew who he was. As for getting him there – You’re welcome. You deserve to know him and he deserves to watch you grow. It sounded like he really loved you.

: -) You are suppose to be ‘resting’ you know…

Geez baby, I slept all afternoon! Munchies woke me up and I did some laundry and cleaned up a bit. Playing games then I am going to bed around midnight, as I will be there at 8 am sharp. No arguments. 24 hours is ALL I can handle!

Fine..I *suppose* I will let that slide. Um…can you like…bring me clothes when you come back? There removing the IV tomorrow so I can put on clothes!

Um..why? The gown allows for easier access ;-)

Pervert! But your brothers and Stella may not want to see that much of me. Something comfortable but no footie jammies as they’ll want to reach the area.

I’ll find something. Do you also want bras and panties?

No bra, Dr. James said to avoid them for a few weeks since the cut is rather close. I’m fine with that and I know you will be too. Alright – I am being good and going to bed. Thank you again…

You’re welcome and I will see you in the AM.

I laid the phone down and found sleep was rather elusive, I kept looking over at the couch expecting him to be there and he wasn’t. I did fall asleep sometime after midnight.